Blondescorp

I have been drinking nightly for years, vodka/soda was my poison. Last week I was getting a blood draw for a physical so decided to stop drinking the week before. I had symptoms of clammyness, cold sweats, anxiety, and the shakes. I convinced myself it was a silly bug, and Friday night I had 2 (strong) drinks. Saturday I pretty much binged all day, and to make myself feel better I had a little hair of the dog in the morning on Sunday. Ok. I had too much. By the afternoon I thought it a good idea to go shopping, and a friend was supposed to come with but changed her mind. I turned nasty, and went anyway. Afterwards I decided I was going to go alone to a bar that we had frequented. Had a few there, which strangely kickstarted my buzz like I had never stopped drinking. I was home and in bed by 8:30, but I really screwed up and treated my friend like total ****. Yesterday I had the sweats and the shakes and my stomach was really upset but different than a hangover, same as last week. Now I’m freaking out and convinced it’s withdrawal so I started scouring the internet and got scared about quitting cold turkey so I had one tiny drink, which immediately calmed me, further cementing that yes, I am having withdrawals. I sweated all night last night and was gaggy this morning. I’m scared. I acted irrationally Sunday and apologized profusely, with a lot of detail and sincerity. I never got a response. This friend tends to need space when upset but my own selfish need to hear forgiveness has me sick.
I’m done drinking. I ruined a friendship.
Do you think I should reach out again or let it be for a while? I’m more upset about causing someone else hurt than I am thinking I can’t drink.

Spence7471

Give your friend some space.. you need to work on yourself... start by going to an AA meeting....

Blondescorp

I did A.A. a long time ago. I did like it but after a while all the stories started to sound the same and it was depressing. I stayed sober the better part of a year, picked up again, and was fine until recently.
The physical symptoms which I’ve never had before are scaring me to death, as is the fact that my very mild personality snapped and I hurt someone I love. That’s the worst part. I hate myself.

DreamCatcher17

I agree with Spence on this one.
Space... go to AA meetings... work the steps and repeat.

Blondescorp

How long should I wait to reach out again?

DreamCatcher17

That would be step 9. So however long it takes to get you there and it is not a race. If your friend comes around before that, GREAT! Talk at that time..

Blondescorp

Thank you ❤️

DreamCatcher17

I am speculating here:
With the amount, you drank in your past. I would imagine this friend knows you drink and probably has seen you at some low moments... Maybe this friend is tired of the rollercoaster?
I could be totally wrong...
I know when I was drinking, I lost friends, gained friends and that cycle continued for many years. They have seen something I just couldn't see at that time, how destructive my behavior was, how I was not a normal drinker, the change in me while drunk.
There is 1 past friend I want to talk to, apologize to, but I am not able to do that just yet. I have given her almost a year of space, she has not reached out to me and that is ok. I will reach out to her when I am ready, I really screwed that friendship up... Who knows, I may never talk to her again and I have come to terms with that as I do not think even after I say my peace do I feel we would have a friendship, so would it even be worth it at that time? I have already forgiven myself, which is the most important step to me!

goodbyeevan

I've been waking up that way every day for several months until recently. Its awful. I knew it was withdrawals. I thought I could manage it but I couldn't. I assist surgeons in surgery and could not take the illness, the nausea, the shakes. I started to get panic attacks when I had to run the camera for laparoscopic procedures. Then i started to get panic attacks during the simplest of procedures. It was insane. All i can say is I'm grateful not to be experiencing that now. Life is so much better and more enjoyable. It will only get worse if you continue to drink. Moderation is a lie. I hope it gets better for you.

Blondescorp

She’s a friend and yes we occasionally had drinks together but she has never seen me drunk. I think she suspects I have a problem because in the past I’ve forgotten things we had texted about previously which is the real kicker here...

I think the biggest issue I’m having with not texting her again is this....
Sunday night when we were texting I don’t remember all that was said. I feel because of this, the apology, although detailed, isn’t enough.

Obviously I make horrible decisions so I’m gonna trust you guys and keep quiet and pray in a day or so she reaches out to me.

This. Sucks.

tomsteve

this probably wasnt the first time,eh?
something i had to do was put myself in the shoes of those i hurt- they had heard the apologies and im sorries and i promises a jillion times. my fiance had heard the im sorries so many times she got to a point of saying,"youre dam right youre sorry."
no change occured so i could understand why my pleas fell on deaf ears.
after getting sober and working on me, i was able to make amends- not just say im sorry,i apologize, or i promise. i was able to explain where i was wrong, why i was wrong, and what i had done to change.that didnt happen in a few days or weeks.

NerfThis

Same situation for me. My friends have seen me drunk as we go out and drink a lot together, however they do not see the days following on from this, where I continue to drink and very heavily. They only see the 'going out' version and not the 'At home having a drink early to calm the shakes of the hangover' which of course turn into more drinks. I will then be messaging all my friends and completely forget things I've sent, which I'm sure is suspicious to them. Literally the only person I am honest with about my drinking is my husband, as I care more about the fact I'm letting him down than I do about letting myself down.

Blondescorp

The crappy thing is, this WAS the first time. And I explained exactly where and why I was wrong 😓
I need to get over myself and let her have her feelings.

Blondescorp

She responded and said although she’s upset, that since I apologized, she’s willing to talk.
I’m going to be completely honest with her. Coffee in the morning

DreamCatcher17

Best wishes to you. I hope to see you around more and continue the journey of sobriety after all this passes!

Blondescorp

I’m not going anywhere. I need to be here. Thank you 🙂

Buckley3

Was hoping to see this. Good luck with your friend. Congrats on taking action to fix the underlying problem.

Booze is such a weird thing. I was thinking today what the downsides are to not drinking. Couldn't think of any, yet we tend to obsess about it and it tends to keep sticking it's head up to poo all over our lives. What's that tell us?

Dee74

Welcome Blondscorp!
So your plan is to say sober now?

D

JustTony

I identify with Blondescorp so much. It’s the next day and the realisation that you lost that control of your senses and that there is nothing you can do in order to go back in time. You want the world to swallow up up and hide you for a year.

That was my day 1 last week when I couldn’t get out of bed until nearly 7pm.

I’m glad your friend got in touch.

JT

Blondescorp

Dee yes my plan is to stay sober. I’m still sweaty at night, feeling a little headachy but much better.