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newpower 02-25-2018 09:31 PM

My sobriety My thoughts Just Me
 
Just an update.
So still struggling with my wife and my feelings about everything.
Haven’t drunk for a few days don’t know how I feel about this no good nor bad.
My relationship with my wife is strained due to my starting drinking again. She feels betrayed and lied to about my commitment to stay sober.
I am really struggling coming to terms with not drinking even though I was sober for over 3 months.
There really is part of me that wants to drink and say screw the world but there is the sane part of me that knows that something has to change.
I still feel I should be allowed to drink and I deserve it. It brings me peace and quiets the inner voice.
I have a lot of rage inside me I don’t know where that’s coming from I wish I could pin point it.
My business is going well I am very busy all the time.
I want to do something other than work but when I go to do it I don’t know what to do.
I don’t have any hobbies nor is there anything I even would like to try but drinking filled that space in my life for 40 years.
Do I want to drink or do I want to find peace I don’t know. Are they related or am I looking g in the wrong place.
In rehab they talked about working a program such as going to AA and NA daily etc. but I don’t know I find myself scared to go because I feel like a failure I got to get my 90 day keyring at NA how I can I go back and say day 2.
Feel so alone in this world like no one understands the hell I’m in even when I’m not drinking I’m in hell. The hell of sobriety is a different hell but it still feels like hell.
Maybe I’m missing something I want to go back to rehab but I cannot leave my family and business again for that time. Also who knows if that’s the answer maybe I’m looking in the wrong place.
Wish I could change my thinking around this issue wish I had more support and wish I knew what to do.
I’m not sure what I’m rambling about or why and to who for what purpose. Maybe it’s helping in itself to get this out.
Maybe your comments will have a solution, hope or something to point me in the right direction.
Thanks for reading
Newpower

Berrybean 02-25-2018 09:48 PM

I sat next to a guy last night in a meeting. He'd had years of sobriety, stopped working his program, and drank for a few months. He came back 5 months ago. Everyone was just relieved he made it back. He's still sober and feeling great on it right now. Don't let your addict voice tell you there will be shame and recriminations if you walk into a meeting tomorrow. There will just be love, fellowship and support. The shame and recriminations - they're somethings WE stir up in our heads. They 're only as real as we make them.

BB

Alex1994 02-25-2018 10:10 PM

AA is not for ecveryone
 
Not everyone is made for programs. I have been sober for almost three years and i never went to any program.

Dee74 02-25-2018 10:13 PM

I'm not really sure what I can add to what I said in your last thread, cos this thread is basically saying the same thing.

If you're angry cos you can't drink and you feel like you deserve a drink, even after being in rehab for your drinking...and your drinking is placing a disastrous strain on your marriage..and your pride is keeping you from going back to AA or NA...

thats a pretty hard road ahead you're laying down for yourself - and your wife.

There are other ways to relax. Exercise is great for me - 25 or 30 mins on a stationary bike will blow away any stress or anger.

Got no hobbies? find some. whats stopping you? :)

D

Berrybean 02-25-2018 10:14 PM


Originally Posted by Alex1994 (Post 6800868)
Not everyone is made for programs. I have been sober for almost three years and i never went to any program.

You're right. But the OP is saying he's ashamed to go back having relapsed before he got through the 90 day stint (which incidentally isn't actually part of the program, just something that became popular).

Alex, why not tell the OP what DID / DOES work for you. That might be more useful than just telling him what you didn't do.

BB

newpower 02-25-2018 10:14 PM


Originally Posted by Alex1994 (Post 6800868)
Not everyone is made for programs. I have been sober for almost three years and i never went to any program.

You must work some program or system

What's your thoughts

Alex1994 02-25-2018 10:21 PM

I consumed myself with reading all I could about alcohol addiction. I read so much that it drove my girlfriend crazy. I took megadoses of vitamins and drank tons of water. I kept telling myself that a program would just surround me with weak people and that I needed inner strength. I went to bars for the first 4 nonths and drank soda water to prove to myself I could.

Alex1994 02-25-2018 10:24 PM

I also told my girlfriend that she needed to help me and that if I relapsed that she should not judge me

Delilah1 02-25-2018 10:31 PM

There are many different programs to help you get sober, but you have to want to be sober. I remember having the same thoughts as you, I wanted to be able to drink socially, and I set out to prove that I could. I failed horribly, and I kept testing the waters thinking the next time would be different, it wasn't.

I have just about 27 months sober and I feel so much better physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have learned to deal with anxiety and stress through exercise, mindfulness, and breathing exercises. In all honesty, alcohol made me forget for a bit, but the. Ext morning I was more anxious than I was the day before.

SR has been the. Ingest part of my recovery plan. I read and post here daily. You should join the February of 2018 class, as well as the March of 2018 class when it opens. It helps to have others at the same point in your recovery.

Think about what you learned in rehab, and how you stayed sober the 90 days to get your key chain, and then think aBout what else you need to add to your plan to completely avoid alcohol.

You can do this!

johnnyt53 02-25-2018 10:36 PM

In 1987 I went to my first NA meeting. I was scared, nervous, etc. didn't know what to expect. I don't think it was a good meeting but how would I know one from another? Someone came up to me after the meeting and told me to try another one before I bailed. I did and stuck with it for 5 1/2 years. We became good friends and are to this day. Went out and used and drank for another 10 years. Things got bad at home with the wife but I still thought I was okay because I wasn't even close to what I used to be like but I was still miserable because I didn't know if I wanted to stop or not. I went to AA and got hooked in in 2003 for another 5 1/2 years. I went back out for another 10 years. Same pattern, kind of still blows my mind. I am back in AA, 56 days sober. Something is different this time. I want to enlarge my spiritual self and know that I am powerless to do so but there is one who has all the power if I turn my life over and stop trying to run my life on self-will. It was humiliating, embarrassing, and ego busting to go back. Surrendering feels like dying but it is necessary for transformation to happen. I still struggle with letting go but that makes me human in need of help. Healing happens daily. The work is worth it. Your path is your path and has unique qualities to it but when you look around and get out of your own way you might find many who are walking it with you.

Alex1994 02-25-2018 10:55 PM

Sobriety is about strength and mind over body. These programs expose you to sad stories and to failures. you need to hear stories of success and strength and not of weakness and failure. Do it on your own but take your wife on the journey. You will find that her love will carry you. Watch a lot of comedy because laugter helps. Think of all the stupid **** you did when you were drinking. Repear it over and over in your head. Do not romanticize the drinking. Make love to your wife and every detail will be so much more exciting when you are sober. Ask her to please don’t judge you but to stand by you and understand that you are sick and she can be a big part of you getting healthy. If shr cant’t find it in her heart to stand by you, find another woman who can. from another? Someone came one before I bailed. I did and stuck with it for 5 1/2 years. We became good friends and are to this day. Went out and used and drank for another 10 years. Things got bad at home with the wife but I still thought I was okay because I wasn't even close to what I used to be like but I was still miserable because I didn't know if I wanted to stop or not. I went to AA and got hooked in in 2003 for another 5 1/2 years. I went back out for another 10 years. Same pattern, kind of still blows my mind. I am back in AA, 56 days sober. Something is different this time. I want to enlarge my spiritual self and know that I am powerless to do so but there is one who has all the power if I turn my life over and stop trying to run my life on self-will. It was humiliating, embarrassing, and ego busting to go back. Surrendering feels like dying but it is necessary for transformation to happen. I still struggle with letting go but that makes me human in need of help. Healing happens daily. The work is worth it. Your path is your path and has unique qualities to it but when you look around and get out of your own way you might find many who are walking it with you.[/QUOTE]

Alex1994 02-25-2018 10:59 PM

Sobriety is about strength and mind over body. These programs expose you to sad stories and to failures. you need to hear stories of success and strength and not of weakness and failure. Do it on your own but take your wife on the journey. You will find that her love will carry you. Watch a lot of comedy because laugter helps. Think of all the stupid **** you did when you were drinking. Repear it over and over in your head. Do not romanticize the drinking. Make love to your wife and every detail will be so much more exciting when you are sober. Ask her to please don’t judge you but to stand by you and understand that you are sick and she can be a big part of you getting healthy. If she cant’t find it in her heart to stand by you, find another woman who gladly will. Their are plenty of them and you will love them for it.

Dee74 02-26-2018 12:27 AM

Alex I'd much rather hear what works for you than what doesn't.

I know you're new.

I'd normally PM but you've made a lot of similar posts today so I hope you won't feel affronted or embarrassed by me making this public..

Not everyone here does AA (I don't ) - but we all try and share what did work for us, while keeping a respect for everyone else's journey.

This is a rule particular to this Newcomers forum


Please Read! The Newcomers Forum is a safe and welcoming place for newcomers. Respect is essential. Debates over Recovery Methods are not allowed on the Newcomer's Forum. Posts that violate this rule will be removed without notice. (Support and experience only please.)
As long as you keep that rule in mind you've very very welcome here in Newcomers :)

We also have a secular forum for approaches without a Higher Power.

That might be of interest to you as well - you can't bag AA there either, but you'll probably find some like minded souls :)

Dee
Moderator
SR

Alex1994 02-26-2018 02:59 AM

I apologize. I am from the United States and a Republican. We are not used to censorship and places that do not allow freedom o speech. It is our most sacred anendment to our Constitution. What is a “safe space”?

Dee74 02-26-2018 03:05 AM

Hi Alex.

Our rules and policies are here.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ting-tips.html

You agreed to them when you signed up. Its not censorship to enforce those rules.

If you want me to close your account let me know - by PM (private message) please cos it's not really fair to hijack newpowers thread any more than we have.

D

FreeOwl 02-26-2018 03:44 AM


Originally Posted by newpower (Post 6800850)
Just an update.
So still struggling with my wife and my feelings about everything.
Haven’t drunk for a few days don’t know how I feel about this no good nor bad.
My relationship with my wife is strained due to my starting drinking again. She feels betrayed and lied to about my commitment to stay sober.

I was unable in my first marriage to recognize how much alcohol and drugs were clouding my mind and my emotions. A few days or even a few months away from them were only a start on seeing the truth... in that marriage I never did see it and wound up making choices that sabotaged it. 13 years. Looking back, who knows. She was a good person. We were a good team. We are friends at a distance these days. She's forgiven me after I offered an amends. Who knows what goodness may have blossomed had I only embraced sobriety and dealt with myself back then...

I am really struggling coming to terms with not drinking even though I was sober for over 3 months.
There really is part of me that wants to drink and say screw the world but there is the sane part of me that knows that something has to change.
I still feel I should be allowed to drink and I deserve it. It brings me peace and quiets the inner voice.

Yeah.... that was my headspace for many years, too. Stubbornly I clung to it. Through two failed marriages, two DUIs, hundreds of thousands of squandered dollars, a heap of suffering..... until I finally became willing to admit to myself that drinking and saying "screw the world" were the source of pretty much all my problems and woes.


I have a lot of rage inside me I don’t know where that’s coming from I wish I could pin point it.

It's funny how rage dissipates when we get some clear sober time and dive into our emotions with honesty and self-love....




My business is going well I am very busy all the time.
I want to do something other than work but when I go to do it I don’t know what to do.
I don’t have any hobbies nor is there anything I even would like to try but drinking filled that space in my life for 40 years.

Start trying things anyway. Other than drinking. Just go do them. You never know what you'll find.


Do I want to drink or do I want to find peace I don’t know. Are they related or am I looking g in the wrong place.

As long as you're unclear on what you want, you're apt to keep drinking. At least, that was my experience. As long as I allowed space for "I don't know" it was space for "screw it" and getting drunk again. I changed "I don't know" to "I want sobriety and an abundant, joyful life". Then it began to happen.

In rehab they talked about working a program such as going to AA and NA daily etc. but I don’t know I find myself scared to go because I feel like a failure I got to get my 90 day keyring at NA how I can I go back and say day 2.

Easy. You just go back and say "day 2". Thousands upon thousands of us have done it. I've done it. It's not that hard.


Feel so alone in this world like no one understands the hell I’m in even when I’m not drinking I’m in hell. The hell of sobriety is a different hell but it still feels like hell.

It felt like hell at first for me.... but then I began actively doing the real work of sobriety and hell transformed itself into a beautiful life.


Maybe I’m missing something I want to go back to rehab but I cannot leave my family and business again for that time. Also who knows if that’s the answer maybe I’m looking in the wrong place.

In my experience, you're missing something. What you're missing is that sobriety will make absolutely everything in your life better. Whatever you must do to make sobriety happen is more important than anything else. Literally anything.


Wish I could change my thinking around this issue wish I had more support and wish I knew what to do.

You can. You simply choose to change it. Then you dig in and do the work. You probably do know what to do. You've been to NA and rehab - so you're already well aware of the work. I don't think it sounds like you don't know what to do. To me it sounds like you're doing your best not to choose to do it.



I’m not sure what I’m rambling about or why and to who for what purpose. Maybe it’s helping in itself to get this out.
Maybe your comments will have a solution, hope or something to point me in the right direction.
Thanks for reading
Newpower

You're welcome. What you're rambling about is the dialogue between the person in you who knows exactly what do to and wants freedom and abundance and love of life - and the person in your addicted brain who wants to keep on drinking. That's it. And the choice is yours. Which person do you want to side with? Which person do you want to be? What life do you actually want? It's that simple.

:grouphug:

lessgravity 02-26-2018 03:58 AM

From you other posts and this one is plain and clear. You are conflicted and ambivalent about having to choose between alcohol and your family. Just the fact that you are upset, angry and feel, like a child, that you "deserve" to drink instead of attend to your responsibilities shows how deep your problem with alcohol is.

I only write these words because I could be writing them to myself. I'm only 20 days sober. I've been in and out of the rooms, on and off this website - since exactly the year you joined 2013.

Just considering that it's been almost half a decade since we joined this place - doesn't that say enough as to what path we should be walking?

Anyhow I know different people on this site have different ways of addresses each other. I know for me, that the direct, at times upsetting responses to my posts have made as much as effect as any.

Hope you can find the strength to do what's right for you and your family and your self.

No one is coming to save us.

Hawkeye13 02-26-2018 04:22 AM

As I said in your other thread,
I was also pretty angry and I really found
a short course of one-on-one therapy helpful to get that stuff out
and processed.

I'm not a group person, so the privacy and working with someone who understood addiction could be very helpful.

Exercise was also great in getting the negative energy out of my body and mind.

It does sound like you simply don't want to quit, or are at least conflicted.
How do you treat others, and yourself, when drinking?
I know I had gotten to be a pretty selfish jerk by the end.

Has your wife / family told you if you don't quit they will leave?
I know when my spouse said that I was pretty angry
but over time, I worked with it and realized what I was doing drinking
was the real dealbreaker.

newpower 02-26-2018 04:35 AM


Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 (Post 6801085)
As I said in your other thread,
I was also pretty angry and I really found
a short course of one-on-one therapy helpful to get that stuff out
and processed.

I'm not a group person, so the privacy and working with someone who understood addiction could be very helpful.

Exercise was also great in getting the negative energy out of my body and mind.

It does sound like you simply don't want to quit, or are at least conflicted.
How do you treat others, and yourself, when drinking?
I know I had gotten to be a pretty selfish jerk by the end.

Has your wife / family told you if you don't quit they will leave?
I know when my spouse said that I was pretty angry
but over time, I worked with it and realized what I was doing drinking
was the real dealbreaker.

It hasn't been said but implyed.

My behavior when drinking is good to very bad depending on the day.

Do i want to stop drinking yes. But i also want to keep drinking.

I hate the feeling like I'm not normal. Like everyone drinks right. So why can't i. I know I'm kidding myself. I only know how to drink one way. As much as i can as quickly as possible.

But still i wrestle with my head.

I've booked in to see a therapist this week who i worked with before i went to rehab who helped me make the decision to go.

Really appreciate everyone's comments.

Thanks

FreeOwl 02-26-2018 04:41 AM


Originally Posted by newpower (Post 6801096)
I hate the feeling like I'm not normal. Like everyone drinks right. So why can't i.

Thanks

Actually, no. Not everyone drinks. In fact, a lot of people don't. Probably more people in the world DON'T drink than do, actually....

I began to see that more and more when I decided to be a sober man.

I also had that feeling of 'not normal'. I had to wage a personal war on that feeling by finding specific people to look up to. Sober friends, sober musicians, sober celebrities, sober influential people in history..... turns out, there are a lot of people who don't drink that I also look up to in other ways. There is plenty of evidence out there that not drinking is just as 'normal' - perhaps even fare MORE 'normal' than drinking.

Drinking isn't 'normal', in actual fact. It's abnormal.

It's abnormal for a creature to poison itself.

It's abnormal to impair one's cognitive ability on purpose.

It's abnormal to alter one's perception of the world.

It's abnormal to use a substance to 'escape' from reality.

Join the ranks of the happy, joyous, present, empowered, wonderful, NORMAL folks.....

:grouphug:


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