Day 56: Insight and Discovery

Old 02-25-2018, 09:08 PM
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Day 56: Insight and Discovery

Hello all, it has been a very long time since I have posted on here. A few years ago I had made an attempt at sobriety and found that my mind had convinced me that I could drink socially again. That year was a complete blur, an extended descent into alcohol fueled debauchery and despair. Was my life horrible? No. Did I keep my job? Yes. DUI? No. Lose girlfriend? No. Of course my circumstances could have been tragic, but that is not the point. As if looking and assessing my alcohol use by what has or hasn't been lost helps identify if I have a problematic relationship with alcohol... I have heard that a lot in the last 56 days. You don't have a problem, see only alcoholics cant quit, you've never had a DUI, you hold a good job, you maintain your bills... Hell I even heard someone use my credit score as a measure of how I don't have an alcohol problem. It is funny to me to hear from friends, family, and even my own mind the various rationalizations presented. As if alcoholism can only be an issue if it has led to catastrophic outcomes. For many this is surely the case, the so called, "Rock Bottom" of addiction. For many others Alcoholism and the problems that come with it are subtle and insidious. Rather than the overt and obvious consequences of substance use, alcoholism, at least for me, played tricks with my mind and guided my behavior: like an invisible friend whose influence on you manifests in ways in which you do not comprehend the impact until you have cut the tie. Subtle and insidious...Depression that leads one to lie, cheat, find reasons why you are in fact not good enough, inadequate, unworthy of love. Inner dialogue in the form of negativity ruminating and focusing on everything wrong with your partner, your friends, job, and home life. Alcoholism for me was never what I lost but rather what I brought in to my life; negativity, hopelessness, unworthiness, comparing, and inadequacy. However, blinded by the bottle it is difficult to determine if the subtle and systematic of decay reaped by every six pack is organically you or alcohol induced. So for me this last 56 days have given me insight in that my infidelity with Al K Hall should not measured by the things that I have lost or what has been damaged, rather, my problems with alcohol should be measured by what I have gained. I have gained dreams again both REM sleep and a desire to take risks and plan for my future. I have been able to notice and acknowledge the help, beauty, comfort and support of the loved ones around me. I have been able to have a stressful day and be “ok” and realize that things are not unmanageable. I have gained money and put into savings. I have quieted the deceitful inner voice that undermines my confidence, integrity, and my beliefs on my own self-worth. In the last 56 days I have gained more than I have ever expected. What started at a DRY January challenge has opened my eyes to a brighter future without alcohol. Am I saying that my life is perfect? No. I still have troublesome thoughts, stressful days, interpersonal conflict with peers and my partner, stress, financial concerns, etc. It is all still there. The difference is I have gained a comforting voice that allows me to reflect honestly and compassionately with myself. I do believe that I wouldn’t have discovered what I was missing out on due to alcohol… because I didn’t know what I was missing. So for all of you who are doing the work, stuck on day 8, having to restart day 1 all over again, stick with it! Keep going. You owe it to yourself to see what you will gain. Not sure if this makes complete sense but I wanted to share. Thanks for Reading.
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Old 02-25-2018, 09:34 PM
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Crimki, What you said was so on spot to how I am, how I feel and where I'm at. Day 56 for me also. It was almost scary that I could have wrote that word for word but I don't know if I could have expressed it as well as you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Old 02-25-2018, 09:43 PM
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An incredible piece of writing there. Honestly inspiring. Time for me to have another solid attempt at this sober lifestyle and see for myself what is on the other side.
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Old 02-25-2018, 10:16 PM
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Welcome back Crimki - congrats on 56 days

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Old 02-26-2018, 04:11 AM
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Congrats, thank you for sharing and very well written.

For one I can see from your previous posts that you are relatively young for recognizing your issues with alcohol and addressing them. I'm no old old man, 40, but I wish I could have had the insight and strength to really take a hold of by booze issues when I was 30. Alas, as Jay Z says, gotta learn to live with regrets.

I also think that although you haven't lost any of the things you mention, those losses may have been coming your way had you not addressed your addiction. For me, at 30, I could have written the same thing - law school, wife, family, big city, triathlons under my belt - but still sneaking alcohol whenever I could. As so many have said this is a progressive disease and issue.

And even now I have not crashed my car into a wall and lost my family - but the booze crept deeper and deeper into my life, my career, my psyche.

Anyhow I say all of that because I am impressed by anyone younger than me who takes control of their drinking.

Thank you for the post. Stay strong.

No one is coming to save us.
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