hanging in there
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
hanging in there
Hi friends, I just wanted to say hello and check in. It's been a few weeks, filled with down and some lifts- not exactly ups, but getting there.
I check in here daily on my phone, but don't have time to log in and post from my phone. My hands are taking so much from my new medications that I can't post on my phone even if I had time.
Work is going ok, and I am ok with that. I was on such a high for a while but came crashing down the beginning of the year when things started to get very intense there. I struggled for a couple of weeks, even had my boss call me in and tell me I needed to get it together, but I seem to have found my new groove and things are getting better. It is incredibly demanding and perfection is absolutely essential to all aspects of the job. The problem is, I am not perfect, and that is even more the case given when I would assume is PAWS. I just make these incredibly stupid mistakes, maybe a typo, or forgetting something small, or transferring a call to the wrong extension. Last Friday, right at 18:30 my boss came and told me and my office mate that he decided to go to Barcelona for the test this Sunday (today) This fall under her duties, but she already had other stuff to finish up. She quickly got a flight and then was struggling to find a last minute hotel near the airport at a decent price. And the car rental place closed at 23:00 and his flight got in at 00:10. So I offered to work on finding the car while she concentrated on the hotel. I finally found a car rental that was open 24 hours and booked the car over the phone. We were so happy we'd get out at 19:00! Then she got the email confirmation and saw that I had booked it for the 25th.... but the flight left on the 25th and arrived at 00:10 on the 26th............ Just stupid stupid of me not to be more careful. I got right back on the phone but couldn't get through again, she tried to modify the booking online but it would go through... In the end we were there until nearly 20:00 on a Friday night due to my mistake. I ket telling her to go and I'd take care of it but as the final responsibility was hers she didn't want to leave an I suspect at this point she didn't trust me.
Anyway, that is work. I felt horrible for a few weeks, just one extended panic attack form morning to night, absolute terror and tension for 8 full hours. It has been exhausting and most nights after work I robot through the kid routine, get them into bed and then just crash into my bed. I have now come to more of an acceptance and feel I can hold my head high. I know that I give 100%. My 100% might include errors but I have always tried my best. Except for that one glaring mistake on Friday the last two weeks have actually been really good.
This has been coupled by some new appointments with my psychiatrist. My psychologist works closely with him too and was very concerned and pushed me to go more than once. He has changed- or I should say is currently changing- my meds and it has been the usual roller coaster that that always is. First they are too strong and I am a zombie, then too much anti-depressant and I'm all over the place, then not enough and I am sad...... plus all the news side effects which have been very annoying. I generally don't suffer side effects too heavily but this time I have been.
Anyway, all that to say, I am really thankful for my daily check in here and have the heart and desire to participate, but my mental head space hasn't really allowed for much other than quiet observation.
I check in here daily on my phone, but don't have time to log in and post from my phone. My hands are taking so much from my new medications that I can't post on my phone even if I had time.
Work is going ok, and I am ok with that. I was on such a high for a while but came crashing down the beginning of the year when things started to get very intense there. I struggled for a couple of weeks, even had my boss call me in and tell me I needed to get it together, but I seem to have found my new groove and things are getting better. It is incredibly demanding and perfection is absolutely essential to all aspects of the job. The problem is, I am not perfect, and that is even more the case given when I would assume is PAWS. I just make these incredibly stupid mistakes, maybe a typo, or forgetting something small, or transferring a call to the wrong extension. Last Friday, right at 18:30 my boss came and told me and my office mate that he decided to go to Barcelona for the test this Sunday (today) This fall under her duties, but she already had other stuff to finish up. She quickly got a flight and then was struggling to find a last minute hotel near the airport at a decent price. And the car rental place closed at 23:00 and his flight got in at 00:10. So I offered to work on finding the car while she concentrated on the hotel. I finally found a car rental that was open 24 hours and booked the car over the phone. We were so happy we'd get out at 19:00! Then she got the email confirmation and saw that I had booked it for the 25th.... but the flight left on the 25th and arrived at 00:10 on the 26th............ Just stupid stupid of me not to be more careful. I got right back on the phone but couldn't get through again, she tried to modify the booking online but it would go through... In the end we were there until nearly 20:00 on a Friday night due to my mistake. I ket telling her to go and I'd take care of it but as the final responsibility was hers she didn't want to leave an I suspect at this point she didn't trust me.
Anyway, that is work. I felt horrible for a few weeks, just one extended panic attack form morning to night, absolute terror and tension for 8 full hours. It has been exhausting and most nights after work I robot through the kid routine, get them into bed and then just crash into my bed. I have now come to more of an acceptance and feel I can hold my head high. I know that I give 100%. My 100% might include errors but I have always tried my best. Except for that one glaring mistake on Friday the last two weeks have actually been really good.
This has been coupled by some new appointments with my psychiatrist. My psychologist works closely with him too and was very concerned and pushed me to go more than once. He has changed- or I should say is currently changing- my meds and it has been the usual roller coaster that that always is. First they are too strong and I am a zombie, then too much anti-depressant and I'm all over the place, then not enough and I am sad...... plus all the news side effects which have been very annoying. I generally don't suffer side effects too heavily but this time I have been.
Anyway, all that to say, I am really thankful for my daily check in here and have the heart and desire to participate, but my mental head space hasn't really allowed for much other than quiet observation.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Well the person who never made a mistake never learned anything. As I'm getting older, I make more mistakes than I used to, so I must be learning quite a lot.
We used to suggest asking ourselves this question when some current issue is really bothering us. "How important will this be in three months time?". Chances are I will have forgotten all about it., so does it really matter that much?
We used to suggest asking ourselves this question when some current issue is really bothering us. "How important will this be in three months time?". Chances are I will have forgotten all about it., so does it really matter that much?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Hi Mera, nice to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles at work. People make mistakes, especially when under repeated pressure. Your employers will be able to see the effort you are putting in and your drive to perform well. Hopefully, a change in your medication will improve things.
It's great that you've recognised that all you can do is try your best, this really is true. Remember that life is more important than work and quality time with your kids is essential. It also sounds a bit chaotic on their part (your employer).
Here's hoping that things improve. At the end of the day, now you've got a job it should be easier to find a new one.
It's great that you've recognised that all you can do is try your best, this really is true. Remember that life is more important than work and quality time with your kids is essential. It also sounds a bit chaotic on their part (your employer).
Here's hoping that things improve. At the end of the day, now you've got a job it should be easier to find a new one.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Mera,
It is great to see your post this morning. As for mistakes, they are part of everyday life. I think we live up to our fullest potential when we are able to reflect on what we could have done better, and make changes in our future actions to make sure that happens.
Mistakes help us continue to learn and grow.
It is great to see your post this morning. As for mistakes, they are part of everyday life. I think we live up to our fullest potential when we are able to reflect on what we could have done better, and make changes in our future actions to make sure that happens.
Mistakes help us continue to learn and grow.
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