Wastinglife

I am sure I am not the only one here who has woken up after what seems like a long sleep only to wonder what day it is. I woke up an hour ago and could not figure out what time nor day it is.

I have really been struggling to stay sober. I just really can't handle things as they are. Basically, I have given up on life. I have no desire to live. I have nothing. I deal with ADHD and anxiety disorders that were diagnosed at age 35. Already ruined my finances, career, and relationships by then.

I really tried hard to rebuild my life. I practically unemployable given the red flags I raise. I am 41 and single, educated. I don't mean I can't find a simple 'job'. I can't get a job that is appropiate for a man of my age with an education. A career that could support a family. Women I am attracted to, don't need a dead-beat who can't even pay his own rent.

Anyway, because I feel so hopelesd and alone, I turn to alcohol and drugs to escape my misery. I sit here now at 6:30am trying to remember the last week. I just don't really remember a thing. I have vivid dreams and wake up confused. Often, I can't differentiate between reality and the dream I had. Of course, common sense prevails eventually, but my memory from last week is half dreams, half reality.

Of course, sobering up is the solution, but I call people in real life as I am in a waking dream. I fall asleep again, wake up, and then can't distinguish what was real and what wasn't.

I suppose I am worried I may be suffering from a mental illness. I don't know what was real and what was dream from an entire week. I live alone, unemployed (obvious reasons), so I had no physical contact with anyone.

Am I losing it or is this something you have experienced while on a bender??

FreeOwl

Alcohol played hell with my mind and memory in the last days of my drinking.... a liter or more of vodka a day, regular blackouts, stretching myself thinner and thinner.

I'm sorry you're struggling so. It's not easy. It's despairing and it's scary.

From what you describe, you'll have a fair slog ahead of you - but if you choose sobriety.... if you do the work and take ACTION to support sobriety - right NOW, TODAY, and if you keep doing that.... it will all get better.

As long as you're still breathing and have the wherewithal to type what you did here, you've got the potential to turn it all around. Yeah, you may have to work a crap job for a time. But haven't we all? Yeah, you may need to suck it up and get to AA regularly, or rehab, or a therapist, or a doctor, or ALL OF THE ABOVE - but in so doing you'll be taking ACTION to support your sobriety and the betterment of your life.

You've got a long, full, abundant life ahead of you....

it's up to you.

Do you want it?

GroundhogDay

When I used to drink, I sometimes forgot details of the evening, or even briefly blacked out. What you describe sounds more severe.

It's hard to understand how badly alcohol affects your brain until you are off of it for sustained periods of time -- like at least six months.

I hear you about the job situation, but a job would give you a reason to get up in the morning and would add some structure to your day. It would also end the social isolation. So I would consider taking a job that you are overqualified for, or find some volunteer activities. I quit a previous professional job for a couple of years and did some volunteer work. It was a nice break from the usual office grind. It also helped me to get and stay sober. When I went back to my professional career, I was able to handle the stress without resorting to drinking again.

For me, developing a better relationship with God was also important.

mandypandy

Hi, wastinglife
All.the.time. when I was on 6 day benders. Just the last one, I thought I dreamt I saw my upstairs neighbour in the hallway and he told me he had lost his job and had to leave the flat he loved.

Turns out, not a dream! Other things, like going to the shop, getting served coming back and drinking another bottle of spirits, cannot remember at all, just clues, like another empty bottle on kitchen top.

Doesn't happen at all when I don't drink. Get rid of the drink, and at least you will have a decent chance to fix the other problems in your life. Then the drinking itself will just seem like a bad dream.

August252015

DITTO. This was pretty much my reality at the end- oh the tons of vodka every day!- and I can tell you that finally being DONE with drinking was the best thing that has ever "happened to" - been chosen by- me.

I was 39 1/2 when I quit, am very well-educated and once had a 12 year soaring career. I get where you are coming from about employability etc- I did some crap that prevented me from coming up clean on background checks and it took awhile to get it resolved. I'm 41 1/2 now and just celebrated 2 years sober this week.

I went through a LOT. Physically, mentally, emotionally....I quit cold turkey and went about getting well. Ups and downs, no matter what a commitment to being sober and building a life in recovery. AA saved my life. There are other options but as noted - a plan of ACTION is the critical thing those of us with any amount of sobriety under us.

And- you are definitely not alone with the scared, vulnerable, despairing feelings. It was such a dark place for me- I remember knowing for the last six months of my drinking (Interestingly, I joined SR in Aug 2015 and quit drinking almost to the day in Feb 2016!) that an end was coming- death, or sobriety.

I hope you choose sobriety- you can do it. No matter how far we're gone, I do believe that we can recover.

Best to you.

PalmerSage

I agree with this advice. It seems like isolation is a huge issue, but this is not something that will resolve on its own. It sounds like you need some externally imposed structure that a job and a recovery program will give you. Yes, it sucks that you're educated and have squandered some opportunities, but the self-pity that I am sensing will do you no favors. I completely understand the desperation, the confusion, and feeling trapped, but action will empower you. Take some steps towards change.

icewater1961

Feel arms around you. I have been there, have that T-shirt! Educated out of the wazoo but that did not save me from alcohol. To be a success you need to pull yourself out of the nightmare and keep sending applications. Double your failure rate. Grow thick skin instead of feeling sorry for yourself. And from my own experience I can tell you that alcohol causes anxiety, depression and loss of reality. I had the loss of reality so badly that I was mixing nightmares with lucid episodes and hallucinating. In which case it is best to get to medically supervised detox ASAP.

MindfulMan

Sounds like my last bender. It was a twilight world of slipping in and out of consciousness. My memories of the last 2 months are hazy, I was barely alive. Add in alcoholic hallucinosis.

9 1/2 months later I'm pretty much back to "normal," with the help of some medications. I still have lingering occasional memory deficits and some minor balance issues.

You won't know what is mental illness and what is alcohol until you get sober. In my case it was pretty much 90%+ alcohol and the rest treatable mental health issues.

At the time of the last bender worrying about employment was the last of my concerns. I was in a severe health crisis and required medical detox and inpatient rehab.

Get through that and get sober for at least 30 days before you evaluate the state of your mental health.

Dee74

Hi wastinglife

I'm sorry for your pain.
I can certainly relate to how you wrote and how you're feeling.

It is possible to turn your life around and be happy again 0 but we need to put the bottle down first - rather than being the only thing that helps it's actually making things worse.

My worldview was so dark and black by the end of my drinking, and I'd had it so long that I didn't realise it was a alcoholic construct until it dissipated a few months into sobriety.

I know it's scary to give up the one thing you know what to do in response to how you feel but look around - noone here would be sober if they lost out on the deal.

Its a leap of faith but there are willing hands here to ensure you don't fall hard.

I had a hard knot to untie when I got sober - it took time and patience - but not drinking was the first and fundamental step.

D

Tang

I'm not going to offer a diagnosis because that would be inappropriate. But you said alcohol AND drugs. Certainly combining drugs can make things much worse on your brain. As others have said, getting clean should be the number one priority. Seeking professional help and support from recovery groups is a good first step.