tekink

Honestly that sounds like the voice of your addiction talking to you, fooling you it's your own voice.

I enjoyed the hell out of drinking. Sure I miss it, but I cannot drink like a normal person. I've relapsed enough times to know that by now.

My wife only was bothered when I was stumbling and falling over in public. My liver was starting to go so I had to quit for my life.

MagnumCat

Hi Newpower. I can relate! I'm feeling and thinking those exact same thoughts right this minute. I know that I can get carried away with my drinking at times and that my husband and others hate it. There are other times that I'm perfectly fine having no drinks or just one. So why did I agree, just two days ago, to quit after a drunken episode. Today I'm definitely thinking that I don't want to quit. I want to go ask for a second chance...again! Try to drink responsibly...again! I know what I should do, but that doesn't mean that's what I want to do. It makes me angry as well. I can't give you any advice because I don't even know what my final decision is going to be. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with your thoughts. This is really hard!

CaliButterfly

There is so much I want to say that I don't know where to start. First, my heart goes out to you. I, like so many of us, had started drinking again because I got a handle on it and thought I could drink like a normal person again. That will NEVER happen. Once the line is crossed, there is no stepping back. Sooner or later you will realize that and the moderation you practice now is temporary and it only goes downhill. Every. Single. Time. Ever heard of people going on diets and then when they go off they gain more weight than when they started the diet? This is kind of the same thing. It's not abstaining from alcohol, it's a lifestyle change that becomes your new reality.

The anger you are experiencing is quite common and can be different for everyone. Like others have said, anger could be coming from the resentment of not being able to drink anymore, or angry with yourself for being this way, or just not being able to cope with daily stresses. It's easier to escape and numb yourself. It takes time and readjustment, but you eventually learn how to deal with those emotions. For some, it may take therapy, others adapt on their own, while others may use forums like this.

Your wife has every right to be angry. She loves you and doesn't want to see you descend to where you were right before rehab. Can you see what you're putting her through? To be blunt, she is shouldering not only her part of the life you share, but yours too because you refuse to participate. Facing life sober is too hard. Yes, it IS hard. So put on your big boy pants and do what you are afraid to. You said it yourself that life was improving when you were completely sober. Follow those tracks. You are stronger than you think.

Snowydelrico

The brain can learn how to become addicted.
It cannot unlearn it.
Once the switch is flicked you can’t unflick it.
You have to make a new path without it if you don’t want to live a miserable existence.
The brain is fantastic at adapting whether that be for the better or worse.

thomas11

Don't let your pride stand in the way of a full and rewarding life. Life sober is hard, but you can handle it. Read your last sentence in the above post over and over.

Hawkeye13

I also had a whole lot of anger bubbling up in early recovery.

What about getting some therapy to process and release some of that emotion safely and productively?
It really helped me get at some of the central issues at the root of my drinking.

The bottom line, from what you've posted, it that it is coming down to either
the drink or your family.

They have a choice to not live with an active alcoholic just as you can choose to drink or not.

If you've been here since 2013, and also been to rehab and since relapsed, and admit to drinking 100 drinks a week in the past,
how long do you think your wife should wait to see if you will seek recovery?

You can't hold your family hostage to your alcohol problem forever--that's the painful truth

tomsteve

you could be right.
what i read here:
My wife is very angry and giving me a really hard time about my drinking again.
I’m torn about my drinking too. I feel like I should be able to drink its normal to drink. I’m angry that it’s an issue for my wife.

you are chosing alcohol over your wife.
why shouldnt it be an issue for your wife? was it in your wedding vows she would live her life with a practicing alcoholic?
would you put up with your wife drinking like you are? not only the drinking, but everything else that comes with it?
have ya put yourself in her shoes?