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Recovery and relapse are not a one man show

Old 02-23-2018, 09:51 AM
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If you are experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms, you should get medical attention. You can't wait out or sleep off DTs, you might die first.

Inpatient rehab would be useful to get you away from your substances. Tapering off benzos is nearly impossible to do by yourself, you need an advocate that really understands the process. I had nearly a month coming off of klonopin and alcohol that was the most hellish thing I've ever experienced. Being in a controlled environment with a doctor guiding me through a gradual taper would have made all the difference in the world.

I wish I'd had access to the treatments that you do. Take advantage of them.
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Old 02-23-2018, 02:10 PM
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Thanks Mindfulman. I totally understand.
Last night was hell and I am back to just slogging through the day half conscious.
I tried to get to the hospital without calling an ambulance and at some point I just passed out.

I am really well aware of the extreme withdrawals from all the times I've been through them and the stupid medications I am on.
And yes, no I am not quitting anything cold turkey without medical attention because I have been through this too many times. I have never come off of long term benzos- and I haven't been abusing them. My old doctor assured me before I started them that we would work through a taper system when I was ready to come off of them. And then she was gone, and now I have to fight to get my proper meds that I've been on forever. I don't understand why a doctor would do that to a patient. I do and I don't. First I was indignant last fall when this first started. And then I just got sicker and so alcohol was an answer of course.

My ex is on the ready to get me to the small town hospital where I'd be more comfortable. I am just really uncomfortable with telling him everything.
I am thinking of going to detox but I know I won't follow through with that.

Meh
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Old 02-23-2018, 02:32 PM
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Gil, I know you're words are completely full of logical reasoning.
I also know that I will hit that lucid moment where I feel fine and logic all the reasoning away. Because if I am fine then what needs to be done other than recovery maintenance?
(anyone new reading this- we are good at qualifying maintenance on many different levels. Denial is not just a river in Egypt and all that.)

This sounds so unbelievably melodramatic to me when I think or read it back.
And then I think that like, I can't remember half of this. I remember most of last night until I fell asleep/passed out.

And even though I say I have all these amazing supports within my reach- even if it doesn't cost money there is still a cost.

I know I am doing ok. I know I will get through this. Because the last time I felt relatively this awful I just wanted to end this feeling, permanently.
Right now I am just trying to idiotically figure out my options and how to do this all safely.
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Old 02-23-2018, 02:42 PM
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Drinking again today wouldn't be a choice for change Del.
Drinking again is a vote for the status quo.

Get yourself in somewhere pronto and start to heal.

D
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Old 02-23-2018, 02:56 PM
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The good news is, I have slowly tried to cut back on the clonazepam since last falls debacle. So I do still have some extra, because I am really afraid of being told no. Until I see psych. Which I can't seem to get another referral to.
And when I run out I have to go back and make my case for more and at this point I don't even want to try.

But I seem to have an understanding now. It's a lot frikken different than just getting sober, coming off benzos.
I am constantly in withdrawal just from cutting back, so I drink to make it better. And life and every other excuse.

I am ok and still here and lucid. For the next minute or so.
Jesus christ, there is a detox house in a city about an hour and a half away that I would drop all to go back to.

Free health care and counseling gets a person only so far. Everything else is a 17 hour wait and 15 minute rush through if it's not urgent.
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:03 PM
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You are right Dee. I need to set a few things up and I think I can do it. I did it for treatment.

I can't believe how fast things went down hill. 2 weeks? Of the worst of it.
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:07 PM
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From my observation, not my experience, detoxing from benzos is nothing to be taken lightly or without MD supervision- even if they have been taken as prescribed, long-term.

Please do what you must to keep yourself safe- so you can get back to your plan for sobriety.
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:14 PM
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And I know. I do not want to drink again, today tomorrow or anymore. I just don't really know how what else to do.
We get told the same thing here as other places, don't stop suddenly drinking, taper or maintain til you can get in or get help.

Aaaaand then they say you have to be stabilized from alcohol before you can get into stabilization treatment, detox, and in or outpatient treatmen. Lol

I have to think. I am back to the hair pulling. It's ridiculous. I run my hands through my short hair like crazy to calm myself down.

I didn't start taking them without knowing the risks but then things got changed up on me. I am not even stopped them. That is the worst part of this sh*t.
When you feel so bloody awful just for cutting a dose of whatever, halfway.
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Old 02-23-2018, 04:36 PM
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(((((Delizadee)))))

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Old 02-23-2018, 04:53 PM
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hey delizadee

I can really relate to where you are at.

Ive had a hell of a time over the last couple of years trying to get sober again.

I know it is gut wrenching and terrifying...at least it is for me.

One of the reasons I kept relapsing was because of withdrawals.

I cant count the amount of times ive tapered off been to detoxes and rehabs.

If I had a dollar for every time I could by myself an island.

but I drank all my money.

the long and the short of it is I hear you and we stand together trying to rebuild our lives.

van
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Old 02-23-2018, 09:32 PM
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Thanks Van.
And everyone.
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Old 02-24-2018, 01:36 AM
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Del, I am sorry that things have spiraled so out of control for you recently.

You are a intelligent woman but you are trying to juggle way too many balls in the air at a time with alcohol and prescription drug withdrawals and your eating disorder. Please, please, seek medical attention and make plans to get back into a treatment center asap. Your kids need a mother who is there for them, and not one whom is fighting off visions of the Grim Reaper at night. Do it for them, if not for yourself.

Hugs
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Old 02-24-2018, 01:37 AM
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Well the freakshow stopped.
Unfortunately that was accomplished by drinking.

What ridiculous lengths we go to. I called roadside assistance to reinflate my tire. At 1:30 in the morning. Because I woke up after an hour of sleep thinking it was morning. And the withdrawals just did not want to go away.
And went and bought some more to get myself through until I figure out what to do and not be tearing out my hair again.

Of course I never called my old clinic to see if I could get in again, and I don't have wheels to get there anyways. My registration came up today. So I am without vehicle.

Stupid alcoholic reasoning. Ya can't afford registration but you got enough to stave off the sick you know is coming.

I think a big part of this is that I do not want to deal with the crap show I am going to have to deal with in the next week.
Plus a lot of other emotional things.

It's a stupid question. But how just the hell did I end up here again?
I committed to a Saturday meeting. I know I won't make it if I don't drink. It's either that or... who the hell knows.

I had the day of fighting somnolence again. My days and nights have flipped.
Once again, not sure about the repeats. It's one day of "ok" and one day where I could sleep 18 hours easily.

I don't know. I am afraid to go and try and get my meds refilled again and get shut down or messed up with again. Something else I don't want to think of. I have been through many med withdrawals and this benzo stuff- yeah. I wish I had tapered it out a long time ago.
Yay anxiety.

I will make a plan and figure this out. I always do.

I am trying hard to remember how bad this compares to these past conditions, reading old journal entries.
Stupidly some of them even sober, totally sober I don't remember. I think I broke me.
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Old 02-24-2018, 01:39 AM
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Thanks SG. Love.
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Old 02-24-2018, 01:52 AM
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Good Morning Del - You must get into a treatment center. You will be in a safe environment and the withdrawals will be treated. We care Del. Please do this.

(((DEL)))
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:09 AM
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Thank you.

The detox centre I would go to is shut down.
The only other one I would go to is an hour and a half away and I can't drive myself for, oh how many reasons. lol excuses!

I am starting to fabricate a plan that may work. I do seriously require getting in touch with my old clinic though. I've done it before and made it work.

I am not climbing walls tonight. I am just limiting certain things. I hate the fact I am almost out of meds and how bad of a problem that is. When I was sober that happened, I was out for almost a week. I got very sick.

We will see what happens when the ex comes tomorrow and we talk. I know I go from looking totally wrecked to totally fine really quickly.
I don't frikken know. I know I won't tell him the whole truth. I want to. But yeah that whole addict thing. I was working on the honesty thing and sometimes it hurts people more than it helps me. So it's hard to gauge the lines and I just learned to shut up for a while.

Oh well.
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:21 AM
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I hope you decide to tell him everything. Change requires change.

There's just no future in hedging your bets Del - I'm sorry but I think you're in too deep right now for that.

D
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:27 AM
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>>>The only other one I would go to is an hour and a half away and I can't drive myself >>>

Many folks travel for their treatment, some much farther. Make the arrangements for your admittance and find a ride. Is there public transportation? What about your ex giving you a ride, maybe a neighbor or a friend? Do you attend church - maybe someone from that community. Once you're sober you can begin to solve your other issues - like your car registration.
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:43 AM
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I'm not sure if you mean treatment or detox, but having been down this road lots of times, there is a procedure to go through and also a very long waiting list.
I can say they'll fast track me back into treatment- that still means at least a month wait if I am being hopeful.
And both detox centres I tried to get into last time I was on a 40 plus waiting list. And I called hourly, to both the local and far one.
I can pull out all the stops, but I know right now what's likely to be my first best options, which is my old clinic
Going for a home detox. Either way. That's likely what it's going to have to be.

Just making deductions from past experiences, how long I sat on waiting lists for the detox centres, I spent 14 hours in an ER waiting room, blah blah. I ended up doing a librium detox at home, because I went through all this with my doctor about getting this over after weeks and weeks of trying. She was incredibly understanding and helpful.
Gar. Don't have that anymore.
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:52 AM
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Oh Rar, its just a transportation issue on a few ends and me splitting hairs I guess on where I want to do this. Detox I would do my ex or anyone else cannot drive me. Unfortunately we've all driven ourselves into the financial black holes with vehicles that are unreliable. No public transportation- we are very rural.
got alll the hospital, detox and treatment centre down the road from me. a 7 minute drive. A 45 minute walk.
Again, I won't get into anywhere right away- including the ER. This city is full of street alcoholics and and meth addicts.
I don't sit high on the totem pole, just like trying to get into treatment the first time.

I've got two days to sweat this out carefully until I can contact the clinic.
Is that dumb? Maybe. But I would rather just get it started then go through all the bs I went through last time.
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