Yes sober but don't feel good
 

How do I get from doomed relapser to grateful alcoholic? I'm 5 days dry. On antabuse. Have hit 2 consecutive meetings. I'm checking in with a sponsor daily.

I have given up drinking. I don't use AA so I'm not sure how you are meant to feel if you are using that program.
But the old obsessive black thoughts came back when I stopped drinking. I have OCD anyway, so obsessive thoughts were quite hard to control. Worrying about the future, mulling on the past etc. I used the CBT / REBT techniques of Smart Recovery and can fully control them now.
The Smart "tools" are free on their site. You do not even have to join to access the toolbox.
But if you do sign up, there are a lot of essays and articles on how to take control of your thoughts and emotions, so they don't run away with you.
Hope you find peace soon

Change is a process Press.

I was used to instant gratification as a drinker so waiting was hard for me but I'm glad I stayed patient, worked hard and got to where I wanted to be - you will too :)

D

Practice.

What are you grateful for today?

work the steps with thw guidance of your sponsor.
9th step promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through( refers to halfway through the 9th step). We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I have been a doomed relapser myself. couple of weeks sober this time. You are not alone or unique. we will make it.

I stopped viewing alcoholism as a curse. Stopped thinking that sobriety was a punishment or not drinking as depravation. I stopped looking at myself through the lens of my failures, but rather through the prism of my accomplishments. I stopped thinking about my life drunk and starting living it...sober.

Hi Press

If the past is a good predictor of the future, you seem to do better when you are on the antibuse. So, assuming its safe for you, stay on it. I think 'peace' comes when acceptance that alcohol is off the table is at its highest. It appears antibuse helps you with this thinking.

All I'm really looking for in my day to day life is peace. Peace with myself and everything around me. Doesn't mean I sit here in a trance of 'let it be' but it does mean I don't fight. I don't fight that I cannot drink no matter what and I don't fight what I cannot control. And that's pretty much everything. Everything except my responses and my actions. And having a lifestyle that supports this thinking (and that includes a 'program of recovery') is key to keeping me 'in the now' and reminding me that I'm an addict. And that will never change.

There is a huge spectrum between doomed relapser and grateful alcoholic. I can't ever see myself being grateful I'm an addict :) Just isn't me, so to speak. But I hope that I can continue to accept that alcohol doesn't work, period. And be willing to learn new ways of coping with life.

Hang in there. Day 5 is super early days. Its normal to feel kinda crappy!

Keep doing the opposite of what the alcoholic voice tells you to do. It's a battle you win only if you keep pushing back.

Agree with previous poster, Gratitude comes with practice. Focus on right now. the rest will come in time.

I'm grateful for your post. Thanks for sharing.

Hi Press
I found that practising bring grateful helps - tbh I thought it sounded naff when it was first mentioned to me but I can say that it really does work for me. I don't necessarily think of gratefulness about not drinking (although there's no hangover etc) but even just being grateful about the little things in life - my train back from London was delayed due to power outage on the line but we could keep going on another line, the train would no longer go the whole way but a bus was laid on for us. This made me grateful while a lot of passengers were swearing and giving the train staff hassle. Maybe I was just having a good day? Or maybe my gratefulness practice is helping? Whichever way, alcohol thoughts are receding more and more as time goes on, I'm at 5 months now.

I think this is true for all of us. I always defaulted to drinking when my mood was not the way I wanted it to be. The hardest thing for me was to learn how (and I'm still working on this) to deal with my emotions and feelings sober.

You would think this would have been something I learned in my 20's but I believe I stunted my emotional matured with alcohol.

Very well said. I think the way we perceive our situation plays a big part in our growth and success.

I will have to check that out. I am WAY OCD. My thoughts tend to derail me often.

You're only at five days sober, that's barely out of physical withdrawal. Of course you feel bad. It takes time to start feeling good again. Be patient, it will get better. :)

How do I get from doomed relapser to grateful alcoholic?

A key factor is the passage of time.

It's not going to happen as soon as you would like. But then again, it probably took you awhile to progress from your very first drink, to where you are now.