notgonnastoptry

Still here.

It will be two years sober in June.

Today, on my FB, a memory popped up of when I took my family on a much sought-after vacation to one of the coasts. The place was magical. During that time, my husband was based out there with my son.

He had to go somewhere, so I went out there to be with my son. I took the other members of my family out there with me. It was expensive and I even took my dad, an aging man.

Well, since I was in charge of driving and tourism while trying to drink and fend off withdrawals, I did the BARE minimum. I wasn't stupid enough to drive drunk, but I planned it to where I wouldn't have to drive very much. We drove down the coastal highway, and that was probably as much as I could muster. I also took a lot of cat naps in the day.

My daughter, who was a young teen, suspected things, but couldn't put her finger on it.

She kept yelling at me to get out of bed and take them places.

I did. Not many and not worth their trip out there. Maybe it was and I just feel extra guilty. But no one talks about it with any fond memories.

Usually, I was free to get loaded and act sober because my husband would be in charge of driving and coordinating. Without him, it was all on me.

I almost sent my daughters the pictures on the mountain today before I thought "this isn't a good memory".

I really suck. So many things to beat myself up about, but I hate the things I did to my family the most. My daughter and I still have a very bad relationship as a result of this time period and my subsequent hospital stays.

I've read that many people on here have children as their advocates. My oldest still holds so much resentment and hatred for that time period.

Anyway, just checking in. Haven't been here in a while.

FreeOwl

The words....

I Suck....

I feel extra guilty....

My oldest still holds so much resentment and hatred....

All of these suggest to me that this would be a really good topic to consider an amends about.

Congratulations on 2 years without drinking.

You'll be truly amazed at what it's like to step that up to SOBRIETY and resolve these things.....

FreeOwl

spending time beating yourself up isn't sobriety.....

"So many things to beat myself up about, but I hate the things I did to my family the most. "

Take it deeper, free yourself.

lessgravity

Two years sober is such an accomplishment. Thank you for sharing, always inspired by that kind of strength.

I too have very negative memories of being drunk/hungover with my son. Days I couldn't get out of bed to take him to the park b/c I was so hungover. Nights I avoided him and snuck nips from the bottle all night - as if he wouldn't come to know that.

I know I've caused him pain and anxiety that was undeserved. But I also know I can't do anything about those days so I try not to dwell in them. We are who we are.

There is much life ahead. I hope you are able to reconcile with your daughter. No matter how it goes, I'm sure you are in a place now that you could not be if you were still giving in to the poison.

Thank you for sharing. Sending you strength and love.

notgonnastoptry

Thank you, all.

I try not to dwell on these things, since nothing can erase it, etc.

Was just feeling an extra dose of guilt when I looked at that picture and remembered all the happiness and anticipation leading up to the trip and then blowing it for everyone.

Oh, and, yeah, my family is a little high maintenance and they were dramatic and also fighting among themselves. So, it wasn't completely my fault, but still.