Day 15 - an undivided self
It's been a little over two weeks since my last horror show. Just over 330 hours since I was finishing a pint of crap vodka at 10 in the morning, calling in sick to work, making sure I had time to chug a bottle of wine before my wife came home. My hands were shaking so badly the next day when we went for lunch I could barely get the soup in a spoon to my mouth.
I was speaking with my shrink last night about all the positives that come when I'm not getting wasted. There are so many of course - sleep, focus, calmness, confidence, time to read and have sex etc.
And most of it I think is derived from not being at war with myself. As Jordan Peterson puts is "treating myself like someone I'm responsible for helping", who deserves to be helped. The lies that I tell everyone from my wife to my work to my kid when I'm drinking - they most deeply damage my sense of self - my integrity (what's left of it), my sense of responsibility and my ability to TRUST myself.
When I'm not drinking I find that I'm simply more whole, more myself. Not panicked about being found out.
Incredibly imperfect still, of course. But myself. Not who the beast wants me to be.
Long rambling thoughts. And now there's work to be done at the office.
Happy sober hump day to everyone.
No one is coming to save us.
I've paid enough, not paying anymore
- april 2018 -