noneever

Well, it finally happened. After two years (at least) of knowing I had a problem with drinking and countless attempts at moderating and quitting and starting over and over again, it has come to this: a DUI and loss of my licence.
It happened two weeks ago and I'm just starting to process it. I have so many mixed emotions. I'm disgusted with myself for drink driving. I feel ashamed and depressed. But I also feel relieved because 1. No-one was hurt or killed- it could be so much worse than it is right now. and 2. There is no longer any doubt that continuing to drink will lead to heartache and ruin. It feels like the game is over- I can no longer hide it and pretend like I'm ok. I actually feel relieved that this happened. I think subconsciously I wanted something like this to happen.
I haven't had any alcohol since the DUI. I started Campral a week ago because I just don't trust myself. So far, I have had next to no cravings to drink . I have no desire to play Russian Roulette any longer. But I also don't know what to do with myself now- I can't drive so I am very restricted as to where I can go and what I can do. I'm linking in with a D and A counsellor and just taking this one day at a time.
At times I feel very, very sad by the choices I've made in the past and overwhelmed by the enormity of rebuilding my life without alcohol.
To anyone out there who thinks they can moderate and that things can't get worse, I'm here to tell you that moderation is a lie when you are addicted to a neurotoxic substance and that things can most definitely get worse.
I'm thankful every day that I didn't kill or injure anyone. If I could take back all those times I drove drunk, said hurtful things, lied, betrayed myself and acted irresponsibly and selfishly, I would. But I can't, so here I am.
Don't be like me. If you think you have a problem with alcohol, you do. If you think you can beat this thing by sheer willpower or alone, you can't.
I'm scared about the outcome of court in a couple of weeks time. I'm scared that I have ruined everything. I'm scared of the unknown path before me. But I'm grateful to be here, sober and awake.

Dee74

I'm really sorry that happened noneever but I'm glad you're determined to make it your turning point

D

Gottalife

"AA is not for me. The people are lovely but the religious nature of the BB turns me off. I think it's a misogynistic, outdated and male centric text which does not resonate with me. I don't need to be scared into sobriety or to be told 'it's this way or else jail, death or institutions' are the outcome. And I hate the trite, pithy sayings in meetings, of which 'easier, softer way' is one. Who is anyone to judge another who is taking a different path to sobriety as taking the easier, softer way? You're not in their shoes, so you have no idea! "

I get that there are supposedly any number of paths to sobriety. How do you veiw this old post of yours from March 2016, in the light of your experience in the intervening period? Think we still don't know what its like in your shoes? A repeat of this and jail could very well be on the cards.

On the face of it, you have had a bad experience. To me it's good news, if it prompts you to take some action. You are right, we cannot scare a person into sobriety, but a bit of a shock can some times open the mind.

Am2144

Reading this was like reading my story. I got my first OWI in December. Everything you said is exactly how I am feeling. I have hit my rock bottom also. But, we have to face the consequences and we will get through this.

noneever

Gottalife- I don't find your post helpful. I do not like AA. It's not for me. I accept that it works for some.
Truth is, I didn't need to be TOLD, I had to experience it for myself. I haven't been SCARED into sobriety- this experience has shown me very clearly that I do not have control over alcohol. I never want to risk drink driving again, nor do I ever want to experience another hangover or the guilt and shame. Or the risks to my health, my finances etc etc.
I want to be sober, I haven't been scared into it.

Poppy79

I’m a bit shocked that gottalife found an old post from over a year ago and copied it on this thread! Somewhat invasive and odd.
Noneever, I am glad no one was hurt and happy that you have finally realised alcohol is destructive and some of us just can’t drink, plain and simple. It changes our brain chemistry and affects all aspects of our lives negatively.
Post often and good luck with your upcoming court case

hpdw

Noneever , your situation is many peoples story including mine minus DUI but how I didn't get a DUI ( drink driving ) was pure luck but as i,m not general lucky maybe someone was looking after me . I am disgusted and cringe when I think of the times I jumped in that car not only after drinking but driving with alcohol in the car , I am horrified at what could have happened .
It looks to me like you have finally had enough of this insanity and now is the time to start living a sober life . You will get your licence back at some point but for now don't look too far ahead .

Gotalife : why was the first half of your post in here , I don't see the OP singing AA praises . I don't get that unhelpful part of your post .

mandypandy

You can do it if you want to do it and find a way that suits you to do it

soberclover

Noneever your post reminded me of my story so much. I was clean and sober for 13 years and then started drinking as my marriage was falling apart. I really picked up the drinking pace after I was divorced and for the next 8 years as I tried controlling it in all the ways we all have tried. During that time all of the "not yets" started to happen to me. When I first came in to recovery and attended meetings, I would hear of things that hadn't happened to me yet. It is so true that our drinking is progressive and it will continue to get worse over time....not better. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry that so many of us need to have a legal or medical (me) intervention to turn the tide but it is often a blessing in disguise as we are not able on our own. Stay strong!!!

Eaglelizard

Noneever, thanks for your post, it seems like you have the right mindset. Things go bad slowly, then very quickly, right? Own this mistake and start doing things that will make you proud of yourself one day. It's all just part of the process.

RetiredGuy

The was an unnecessary low blow, gottalife! AA isn't for everybody.

Nonever, good luck on the next phase of your life. If you use this to get and stay sober, in a couple of years you will be thankful that it happened.

Verdantia

I am very sorry this happened, noneever--but it can be the impetus to start a new life without alcohol.
I'd been sober for 10 months when I became very hopeless and depressed, got drunk and tried to kill myself by wrecking my car--obviously and thankfully I was unsuccessful. For some reason I never was charged with anything but that impact was the start of real change for me and an true embrace of sobriety. I went into inpatient rehab after getting out of the hospital, found a good therapist and visit SR several times a day; I do lots of volunteer work and have become active in my church, playing bass in the contemporary band. AA is not for me, either--and I see no helpful point in dredging up one of your old posts to push it.
I am happy and grateful and have 26 months of sobriety, which I cherish and defend. You can get through this and have a good and fulfilling life afterward. I'm rooting for you and send you best wishes on your sober journey.

Bird615

No, I have to agree that AA may not be for everyone, but the point I got from Gottalife's post was that sometimes, when we've reached a new low in our drinking, we might become more open to trying something we once resisted and disagreed with.

That's was my experience, anyway.

ScottFromWI

Glad you are back noneever. Certainly a DUI is a very serious thing, and you'll likely face some financial and legal punishment. That does not mean your life is over by any means though, there are ways you can pay your dues and make it a thing of the past.

I think it's great that you are seeking help in many different areas, that's very important. I also get why others are suggesting that you don't use this as your sole motivation for quitting. As bad as the DUI seems right now, the pain/fear/anxiety will wear off eventually - and it's happened before where people end up getting a 2nd or 3rd DUI even after swearing off drinking forever. Not suggesting that will happen to you, just pointing out that it has happened and people just want to help you remember.

I think working with a counselor and coming here for help is a great plan moving forward.

FreeOwl

I hope you do make this your bottom.

I didn't.

Though I kind of thought I would.... in reality, in the end, I convinced myself I just needed to 'moderate' better and be more responsible with drugs and alcohol use.... and I kept at it for another decade. And another DUI. And another marriage / divorce.... and nearly the loss of a career and my children.

I let it get worse, and worse.... and worse.

So my hope for you is that you'll fully embrace sobriety, harness this gift you've been given (the gift of a glaring wakeup call) and use it as the energy and motivation to entirely change your life for the better.

YOU CAN DO IT

FreeOwl

Hey.... I want to comment on this, I hope you won't take it as offensive because I offer it in earnestness;

I felt exactly that way about AA. During my first DUI, I was court-ordered to it.

In future attempts to get sober after my second DUI, I tried AA again. I still didn't like it. I still found it offputting, but I grabbed onto it a little more.... mostly out of hope that there would be something useful there and because there were few alternatives and I didn't want to go to rehab.

When I FINALLY got serious about recovery, I went back to AA - and I STILL didn't really like it. I STILL didn't relate. I still felt the "God thing" was a challenge for me, along with the 'victim mentality' and the whole idea of powerlessness.

BUT

I went back to AA and I went back with an open mind and the perspective that I wanted to see what it could offer. And with a new focus, and an openness, I did find a lot of tools. I did get a sponsor. I did do some of the stepwork in the manner recommended.... I even went today, though it's been some months since I've been to a meeting. Today I just went to share gratitude and remind myself of the importance of sobriety.

I'm over 4 years sober and my life is so much better for it.

For me, AA wasn't the answer. It was (and remains) a tool. For me, a number of different tools in my toolkit - and my ongoing CHOICE to live in sobriety - was the answer.

I'll never judge you or anyone else for the recovery tools you do or don't choose - but I felt compelled to offer you my experience and the value I did find in AA as one of my many tools - once I finally got to a point that I just really did not want it to get any worse.... and I wanted to IMPROVE my life.

DontRemember

I've been there with everything you're feeling and thinking. I quoted the above to let you know that it's actually WAY easier to rebuild your life without alcohol. I mean think about it for a bit. You'll be clear headed and able to make better decisions. You'll not be spending time thinking about drinking or how to run damage control from your drinking antics. Way more time to focus on the truly important things in life. Glad to hear you're not drinking! I continued my drinking after my DUI because of "stress"..Twisted logic I had/used as an excuse.

tomsteve

. I do not like AA. It's not for me
no problem. time to find something that is for you ,eh?

PalmerSage

I think it's very strange to dig up a post from 2016 and people are responding as though the OP just commented about AA. noneever, have you considered joining the February class and opening your mind to different possibilities for recovery? I think it's great that you recognize this DUI for what it really is: A wake-up call that could have been much worse.

FreeOwl

here's the way I see it:

there's a direct relationship between old posts and perspectives about AA, and a current "I've hit bottom" post.

Many of us decided things 'weren't for us' - until they were.

I believe it is both valid and useful - if approached with sincerity and kindness - to point out to our friends who still suffer that perhaps things that once 'weren't for them' - might be for them if they give those things a chance.

When what's 'for you' isn't working, sometimes it's time to reconsider what's 'for you'.

Or even to consider that you may not be the absolute best judge of what's 'for you' - given the result your judgement has been delivering....