Day 12 - and my wife is leaving for the night.............
 

typically would be the "perfect" night for me to get good and wasted. I was replaying the pattern of my past nights alone - early drunk, maybe pass out midday, shake myself awake, unclear if it's daytime or the middle of the night, reload with some more poison. Then actually get the 3/4am wake up and sit in a state of panic until I have to get ready for work. Maybe a trip to the toilet to vomit a couple times before I put on my suit.

Lord.

Treating myself today like someone who deserves to be taken care of.

Because no one is coming to save me.

Happy Sunday people.

Less,

For me...I am not too hard on myself.

I learned what we here have is an addiction.

The only way I got this clean was to first beg God for help, then suffer.

I suffered so hard, no meds. Sweats, wobbly, weak. Horrible.

There was/is physical and mental damage. It is deep.

It took months of off and on suffering. I still suffer sometimes.

But, now it is minor. The crave is there, but it is weak.

I don't drink anymore.

Get well.

Thanks.

Lessgravity, last year about this time my wife went out off town. I remember posting about wanting to drink while she was away. Dee responded that I wasn't an adolescent anymore and I stayed sober while she was away. A year later, the wife is once again out of town. The good news is that I no longer feel like drinking.

Stay strong, it will get easier with more sober time.

Thank you both.

It's just the ease with which I could kill a couple drinks and wander around the city. It's beautiful out. My beast has me pining for a nice buzz to hit up a couple bookstores and do what I would normally do - all fcked up.

Just a matter of being there for myself today. Getting through.

Yeah, being alone used to be a big trigger for me to drink for some reason. In fact, my last relapse occurred after my ex girlfriend dropped me off at the airport. There was a delay and I just went straight to the bar like a zombie, then drank more on the plane. This snowballed into a week or two's worth of drinking. Essentially going back to my old ways.

There was something about just "getting away with it" that I think I sort of became adjacently addicted to. That's an aspect of my addiction that I'd like to deconstruct and figure out as I gain more sober time.

Nowadays I try to just fill up the time if I'm alone. There's plenty to learn and plenty of resources to learn from.

Removing the habit of alcohol is always hard in the beginning. You and I both know the hard becomes much easier. Even after my relapse, I have no desire for drinking, nor do I crave drinking, and I do think it is because I had 10 months of physical sobriety.

"Treating myself today like someone who deserves to be taken care of"

Yes, you deserve to be taken care of. You deserve freedom from alcohol.

What is your reason for getting sober, LG?

Couldn't agree more about the "getting away with it" addiction. I also am addicted to that. Something that was created over years and years of hiding and lying - there because a perverse pride I found in getting away with it.

Of course we both know we never really got away with anything. I've paid the price in cash and in taxes on my soul, and my career and my body.

Either way, I'm also looking at that juvenile pleasure I've taken in thinking I've gotten away with it as well, as I take stock these days. It's something worth examining.

My meta-reason is that I am living a life of quiet desperation, and I don't want to die with my song inside me (to mangle quoting Thoreau).

On a simpler level, I have work to do and relationships to fix and people to take care of. Including myself.

How are you today Mizz?

Oh, yea ! Used to be a prime time to get wasted. Nobody would know. But I would know.

Now... It’s cheesy, but I put in a home made pizza and binge on netflix. A cup of tea to wind down before bed now. A great benefit is a clear mind when I wake up.

In the end, the world really does find out.

That sounds lovely. I think, after I'm done at work, I'm going to take my son to the Russian Baths for his first sauna/cold tank experience. Sober? F yes.

I am great, LG. Thanks for asking. Got in a long run. Relaxing day ahead. No anxiety. Ive seemingly made it out of being crazy for now. Ill take what I can get.

Work, relationships, people to take care of and ourselves. All of those are great reasons to get clear headed and sober.

Enjoy the day with your son.
Its freezing here at the moment. We have bi-polar weather. Spring is here!

Mizz - very much the same boat.

I took my son today to his first Russian bath experience - was terrific. i needed the sauna/cold tank, has me nice and mellowed out. Would never have done if I was wasted.

Got some Pakistani food and going to call it an early night watching NBA all-star game.

Hope your Sunday wrapped up ok as well.

I want to 'get away with' living to sixty and then 70 despite the bad treatment I gave my body for a decade or two - those are worthy goals.

Getting hammered because your wife is out of town, is not a worthy way to spend the day :)

Drinking because she'll never know (been there and done that) is not a great comment on character either.

That AV is skeezy.
Shut it down :)


D

Already taken care of Dee. Hope you saw my other post about walking away from a stocked liquor cabinet from before.

I'm sober as can be. Great day with my son.

“Sit in a state of panic before I have to get ready for work.”

I’m so glad you shared this. I forget sometimes how absolutely and utterly miserable drinking is. I remember many mornings waking up like this (especially Monday after “Sunday funday.”) Head hurting, depressed, anxiety through the roof, sometimes spinning and nauseas... and having to get ready for 8+ hours of work in that state.

I’m so thankful to be going to bed sober! I hope you had a wonderful sober weekend. Happy hangover free Monday!

Yeah I did less but I saw this one first :)

I like calling out peoples AV's if only to show how wonky the thoughts are :)

D

Always thankful for your insight Dee. Just wanted to make sure you saw I did the right thing.

Thank you. Yes I need to play the movie all the way forward myself. I have a huge day of work ahead, as I'm sure many of us do. Typically I'd be hanging on by a thread right now, still sleeping off the pain. Instead I'm up, sober af, getting my son ready for a trip and will be off to work by 8am.

Day 13 ahead.