I’m in an alcoholic marriage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
I’m in an alcoholic marriage
My husband is an alcoholic. His dad died of liver disease at 67. Husband drinks a third of a big bottle of vodka a day. I have been his drinking buddy for 10 years but I can’t keep going. I get through a bottle of wine plus on a drinking day... which is most days. I can’t see how I can quit unless I get divorced. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Sobriety is a selfish act and needs to be. Do it for yourself if you truly desire to be sober. Hopefully that will influence your spouse to do the same. It's working for me. My wife has greatly reduced her drinking because I have been sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Thanks I appreciate you taking the time to reply. My husband has been told by his doctor to stop drinking and just cannot stick to any kind of moderation. I am glad you agree that quitting is a selfish thing - just getting into the mindset has made me very worried about being in this marriage now. He told me the party was over for him but he just keeps drinking. When I imagine I am on my own I feel far more confident about quitting as I need all my mental energy to deal with my issue.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 62
Hey WakeupSober,
I too was and am still married to my AW. I hope you can find some hope in this message. I was at the point where I was drinking myself to death and I finally broke. I went to AA. I never wanted to be an alcoholic or be involved in AA. Not sure where I was at in God/Higher Power but I knew that I had done too much damage in my life for anything to have hope in me.
What I did, I jumped in to AA. I heard and saw hope all around me. I got a sponsor and started working the steps as if my life depended on it - cause it surely did. My disease had progressed far beyond my wife's by the time I came in to the rooms. I surrounded myself with sober men and walked the walk of AA in my home in front of my wife and two kids. At the end of my first week, I could feel a shift in my thinking and new that this could be for me. I sat my wife down after she poured herself the first of many glasses of wine for the night. I told her I was done with alcohol, done with pot, done with everything and that I could not go on selfishly putting alcohol in front of everything in my life - her, my kids, my family, etc.. I also told her that I would not let anything get in my way or jeopardize the feeling of hope I had - not even her. I didn't tell her she had to quit drinking. I started to get better from working the steps and being in the middle of AA. It pissed her off. She could see me getting better and she was stuck in the same place. Her drinking got much worse because she was hiding it more and more - gripping to any moment I wasn't around so she could drink. Really she was resentful of the change I was pursuing.
At 6 months sober I came home from a work trip early and she was soused. We went for a walk the next morning and I could see the pain in her face. She broke down crying and I just hugged her and told her I loved her. No other words. We didn't talk about the drinking at all. I was just there for her. I new that look of pain in her face because I had it for years every morning. Two days later I could feel and sense from my higher power that I had to say something before my kids were put in harms way - the same harm that I put them in countless times. I told her that she didn't have to get sober but that the boundaries I would set for myself and my sobriety would get much stronger. It was her choice.
She came in and picked up a white chip and started going to AA, still apprehensively. She slipped at 92 days - cause she didn't think she was an alcoholic. She drank in hiding for 6 weeks and I just kept walking the walk I was suggested by my sponsor and others in AA. You see, I can't control anyones drinking and I certainly can't cure it. She had to find her bottom. She came back in and slipped again at 96 days. Came back in and slipped at 15 days. Came back in and slipped at 7 days. Her disease was progressing as you can see. She hit what I hope is her bottom and now has 48 days again and is going strong, working with a sponsor and thoroughly working the steps. I can see a change in her that I hope sticks.
On top of that, her sister came in after seeing me get better and just got 6 months.
It's a program of attraction not promotion and we have to take care of ourselves first. As we get better the people around us tend to also.
I'm not going to lie, it's been tough watching her try to get sober. I work a thorough program, take care of myself and let her work hers. I'm now 16 months sober, on the board of a treatment center where I live and the AA district chair for Treatment Centers organizing AA meetings in the local area detoxes. I've given my life to this program and it has given me more than I could ever imagined. I hated myself for years and now I love myself in a healthy way.
Being the first is hard but you can do it...
I too was and am still married to my AW. I hope you can find some hope in this message. I was at the point where I was drinking myself to death and I finally broke. I went to AA. I never wanted to be an alcoholic or be involved in AA. Not sure where I was at in God/Higher Power but I knew that I had done too much damage in my life for anything to have hope in me.
What I did, I jumped in to AA. I heard and saw hope all around me. I got a sponsor and started working the steps as if my life depended on it - cause it surely did. My disease had progressed far beyond my wife's by the time I came in to the rooms. I surrounded myself with sober men and walked the walk of AA in my home in front of my wife and two kids. At the end of my first week, I could feel a shift in my thinking and new that this could be for me. I sat my wife down after she poured herself the first of many glasses of wine for the night. I told her I was done with alcohol, done with pot, done with everything and that I could not go on selfishly putting alcohol in front of everything in my life - her, my kids, my family, etc.. I also told her that I would not let anything get in my way or jeopardize the feeling of hope I had - not even her. I didn't tell her she had to quit drinking. I started to get better from working the steps and being in the middle of AA. It pissed her off. She could see me getting better and she was stuck in the same place. Her drinking got much worse because she was hiding it more and more - gripping to any moment I wasn't around so she could drink. Really she was resentful of the change I was pursuing.
At 6 months sober I came home from a work trip early and she was soused. We went for a walk the next morning and I could see the pain in her face. She broke down crying and I just hugged her and told her I loved her. No other words. We didn't talk about the drinking at all. I was just there for her. I new that look of pain in her face because I had it for years every morning. Two days later I could feel and sense from my higher power that I had to say something before my kids were put in harms way - the same harm that I put them in countless times. I told her that she didn't have to get sober but that the boundaries I would set for myself and my sobriety would get much stronger. It was her choice.
She came in and picked up a white chip and started going to AA, still apprehensively. She slipped at 92 days - cause she didn't think she was an alcoholic. She drank in hiding for 6 weeks and I just kept walking the walk I was suggested by my sponsor and others in AA. You see, I can't control anyones drinking and I certainly can't cure it. She had to find her bottom. She came back in and slipped again at 96 days. Came back in and slipped at 15 days. Came back in and slipped at 7 days. Her disease was progressing as you can see. She hit what I hope is her bottom and now has 48 days again and is going strong, working with a sponsor and thoroughly working the steps. I can see a change in her that I hope sticks.
On top of that, her sister came in after seeing me get better and just got 6 months.
It's a program of attraction not promotion and we have to take care of ourselves first. As we get better the people around us tend to also.
I'm not going to lie, it's been tough watching her try to get sober. I work a thorough program, take care of myself and let her work hers. I'm now 16 months sober, on the board of a treatment center where I live and the AA district chair for Treatment Centers organizing AA meetings in the local area detoxes. I've given my life to this program and it has given me more than I could ever imagined. I hated myself for years and now I love myself in a healthy way.
Being the first is hard but you can do it...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi wakesupsober - welcome 
Many of our members have spouses who drink, or may even be their drinking buddy. It's a challenge to stay sober under those conditions but it can be done.
You'll find a lot of support here
D
Many of our members have spouses who drink, or may even be their drinking buddy. It's a challenge to stay sober under those conditions but it can be done.
You'll find a lot of support here
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Thanks ChucktownMC! I am only on day 2 of my mission - not anywhere near the success level of your wife. My problem is thinking I can drink moderately. What a joke. One drink is the starting pistol and then its a race to the bottom of the bottle. I am sure that your marriage is better for the fact you are one the same page now regards alcohol. I fear that that is something that will not happen with mine and I should quit both my marriage and the drinking environment if I am to have any hope of success here.
I will check in and keep myself accountable. Reading everyone's situation makes a lonely place more bearable.
I will check in and keep myself accountable. Reading everyone's situation makes a lonely place more bearable.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Welcome, Wakeupsober 
I have just passed 3 yrs sober and am married to my husband, coming up on 23 yrs. We met in the bar that I worked at and bonded over drinking and kept it up until 3 yrs ago, when I decided I had to quit in order to live.
My husband continues to drink daily. And, in the beginning, that was hard for me. Not so much because I was tempted, but more because my view of the impact of a drinking lifestyle had been altered.
I worked on my own issues and eventually learned to let my husband make his own choices regarding alcohol. What I learned is that he has the right to decide how he wants to conduct himself.
I love my husband and have no plans to leave him.
For me, this works. I tend to my own sobriety and let my husband sort out his own stuff.
Ironically, our marriage is far more peaceful than it ever was when I was still drinking.
This is just my experience.
At the beginning, I had a hard time imagining how I would get sober under these circumstances, but separating my drinking from his was paramount.
I hope to see you around
I have just passed 3 yrs sober and am married to my husband, coming up on 23 yrs. We met in the bar that I worked at and bonded over drinking and kept it up until 3 yrs ago, when I decided I had to quit in order to live.
My husband continues to drink daily. And, in the beginning, that was hard for me. Not so much because I was tempted, but more because my view of the impact of a drinking lifestyle had been altered.
I worked on my own issues and eventually learned to let my husband make his own choices regarding alcohol. What I learned is that he has the right to decide how he wants to conduct himself.
I love my husband and have no plans to leave him.
For me, this works. I tend to my own sobriety and let my husband sort out his own stuff.
Ironically, our marriage is far more peaceful than it ever was when I was still drinking.
This is just my experience.
At the beginning, I had a hard time imagining how I would get sober under these circumstances, but separating my drinking from his was paramount.
I hope to see you around
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I wasn't married but,was with my Gf for many years and we became 'drinking buddies' as the years went on. Once I got serious about my sobriety I could sense us drifting apart even further away. The resentments were magnified by X1000 by us both. She said she wanted to quit,but never went to a meeting or reached for support,so she kept drinking,which I was 'ok' with for awhile,but the drunken one sided arguments/projection started to take toll on me ,so I walked. I've heard through the grapevine that she's latched onto another 'party guy' and is still doing the same old stuff, so I just wish her well from a distance and go on with my plans for my sober future. Valentines day was cheaper this year though. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 19
I drank with my husband for six years every day. We have done lots of damage to our lives. We lost our house, our car and live with the in laws. We have a child that has suffered and will figure things out soon.
We quit 9 days ago together. It has been very good. We made the decision to quit for good since we were spiraling out of control. I say do it together and if he fails, do it for yourself. You can re-evaluate the marriage at a different time when sober and can think straight. Good luck!
We quit 9 days ago together. It has been very good. We made the decision to quit for good since we were spiraling out of control. I say do it together and if he fails, do it for yourself. You can re-evaluate the marriage at a different time when sober and can think straight. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by haapynow 
I drank with my husband for six years every day. We have done lots of damage to our lives. We lost our house, our car and live with the in laws. We have a child that has suffered and will figure things out soon.
We quit 9 days ago together. It has been very good. We made the decision to quit for good since we were spiraling out of control. I say do it together and if he fails, do it for yourself. You can re-evaluate the marriage at a different time when sober and can think straight. Good luck!
We quit 9 days ago together. It has been very good. We made the decision to quit for good since we were spiraling out of control. I say do it together and if he fails, do it for yourself. You can re-evaluate the marriage at a different time when sober and can think straight. Good luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Welcome!
Try to keep the focus on you and your recovery and things will work out. Your husband may or may not stop drinking, but you will be able to remain sober as long as you keep your focus on yourself.
Try to keep the focus on you and your recovery and things will work out. Your husband may or may not stop drinking, but you will be able to remain sober as long as you keep your focus on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
I quit drinking 21 months ago and my husband hasn't. It isn't easy but it is worth doing for yourself! It is possible. A lot of the fighting has stopped because I can drive away if I want too. Not stuck in the house.
A lot of the fighting has stopped because I can drive away if I want too. Not stuck in the house.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
My husband still drinks. I'm pretty sure he is an alcoholic based upon the amount he drinks (he drinks 10-15 beers a day every day). We were drinking buddies and I actually enjoyed those times. Over the years both of our drinking escalated. I believe this is my 4th quitting attempt, but my husband has never tried. Today is my 36th day alcoholic free. My husband has 18 beers in the refrigerator and picked up another 24 pack today so he wouldn't have to go back tomorrow. I wish he would quit with me, but I'm hoping he will be inspired someday by my sobriety. I'm like Rose in that I'm tending to my own issues and hope Husband will tend to his someday. It has been difficult at times and I've been tempted, but I'm following my plan. It can be done.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose
Welcome, Wakeupsober
I have just passed 3 yrs sober and am married to my husband, coming up on 23 yrs. We met in the bar that I worked at and bonded over drinking and kept it up until 3 yrs ago, when I decided I had to quit in order to live.
My husband continues to drink daily. And, in the beginning, that was hard for me. Not so much because I was tempted, but more because my view of the impact of a drinking lifestyle had been altered.
I worked on my own issues and eventually learned to let my husband make his own choices regarding alcohol. What I learned is that he has the right to decide how he wants to conduct himself.
I love my husband and have no plans to leave him.
For me, this works. I tend to my own sobriety and let my husband sort out his own stuff.
Ironically, our marriage is far more peaceful than it ever was when I was still drinking.
This is just my experience.
At the beginning, I had a hard time imagining how I would get sober under these circumstances, but separating my drinking from his was paramount.
I hope to see you around
I have just passed 3 yrs sober and am married to my husband, coming up on 23 yrs. We met in the bar that I worked at and bonded over drinking and kept it up until 3 yrs ago, when I decided I had to quit in order to live.
My husband continues to drink daily. And, in the beginning, that was hard for me. Not so much because I was tempted, but more because my view of the impact of a drinking lifestyle had been altered.
I worked on my own issues and eventually learned to let my husband make his own choices regarding alcohol. What I learned is that he has the right to decide how he wants to conduct himself.
I love my husband and have no plans to leave him.
For me, this works. I tend to my own sobriety and let my husband sort out his own stuff.
Ironically, our marriage is far more peaceful than it ever was when I was still drinking.
This is just my experience.
At the beginning, I had a hard time imagining how I would get sober under these circumstances, but separating my drinking from his was paramount.
I hope to see you around
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Wakeupsober
My husband is an alcoholic. His dad died of liver disease at 67. Husband drinks a third of a big bottle of vodka a day. I have been his drinking buddy for 10 years but I can’t keep going. I get through a bottle of wine plus on a drinking day... which is most days. I can’t see how I can quit unless I get divorced. Any advice?
The one thing I have come to realize, after a separation and a relapse is that my sobriety is not contingent on whether or not my spouse drinks. whether or not I am married or separated, or single, or that he drinks around me. My sobriety is an inside job that I have to stay truthful with.
I have been on this forum for years lamenting about getting sober and how being around a spouse that drinks is hard and difficult.
Truthfully, I dont think it has ever been about the spouse and his alcohol. It has always been about me and my lack of ability to maintain my own sobriety. Why should I be so damn concerned about what another is doing? I shouldnt, yet I have been. I have not been able to stay in my own lane.
There may be times where I will not be comfortable and where I could be triggered but ultimately this sober road is my choice. My spouse's drinking is his choice, and if he is not abusing me or my family and maintains his responsibilities then his drinking should not and will no longer be of my concern.
Ive only been able to come to this conclusion after years and years, therapy, separation and ultimately seeing that my alcoholism is a beast and I am the only one who can save myself.
To answer your question: No, you do not have to get a divorce.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Looks like you are in some good company here, Wakeupsober
I hope you find these responses encouraging. At the beginning, I felt just like you do. But, my view has completely flipped.
Reiterating what Mizzuno stated in her awesome post: No, you do not have to get a divorce.
Please stick with us
I hope you find these responses encouraging. At the beginning, I felt just like you do. But, my view has completely flipped.
Reiterating what Mizzuno stated in her awesome post: No, you do not have to get a divorce.
Please stick with us
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
I, too, have an alcoholic husband. Bourbon, yikes. I'm 18 days in after half a big box of wine every night and feel stronger than ever to remain sober. He has no intent on quitting, nor am I asking him to do so. That's his demon to bear. I can only control what I pour down my throat. Interestingly enough, instead of feeling resentment that he is still drinking and I won't, watching his behavior when he's lit actually makes it easier for me. I watch his eyes get glossy, drooping eyelids, swaying when he is standing, falling asleep on the couch at 8:30, becoming argumentative and short-tempered, slurring his words, and just all around shot. It reminds me how I used to be and it makes me shudder. You don't need to get a divorce if alcoholism is the only reason. Take care of YOU and maybe seeing the way he acts will inspire you to stay sober. I wish you the best of luck.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
Some great advice above already. I'm sorry for your situation, but I think it's very encouraging to read how clearly you see what's going on not just in your life and your husband's life but in your relationship. Getting sober will give you even more clarity. One day at a time.
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