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It’s getting harder...

Old 02-14-2018, 02:54 PM
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It’s getting harder...

I walked into a liquor store about an hour ago. First two weeks after quitting it seemed too easy but it’s getting much harder for some reason. I went back and forth like a dozen times; I was like “ok, going to exit and grab a bottle” but then I passed the exit on purpose, but then I did a u-turn, found myself in the parking lot and said “nope, not gonna drink tonight” and went to the Half-Priced Books next to it thinking I’d get some LSAT study materials, didn’t find anything for the LSAT, exited without any books, then did some walking back and forth between the liquor store and my car, like “yea...naah...or maybe...no....ok...”

So I walk in, froze at the entrance, looked at the small bottles behind the counter, found that they only carried 80proof bottles in the 500ml size, not 100proof, decided 80proof was not strong enough and I couldn’t sneak in any larger bottles (well, I guess I could have... put it in a water bottle or something in the garage...), and then walked out empty handed.

So I guess it was a victory, but it doesn’t feel like a victory. Really, the only thing that held me back was that the liquor in the bottles I could sneak in wasn’t strong enough. It’s like I won a sporting event because my opponent slept in or something. Next time it won’t go down like it did.

Hell, I came home and found out that no one is home, and even now I’m thinking “shoulda got the big bottle...”

😞
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Old 02-14-2018, 03:01 PM
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but you didn't......get a bottle that is. so you are HOME safe and sound and SOBER.

no need to be sneaky, no need to slide something down your sock, no need to hide in the shed, garage or attic. NOTHING TO HIDE AT ALL.
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Old 02-14-2018, 03:05 PM
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Man I know that feeling of indecision and ambivalence. It's the worst. You feel out of control of yourself, as if at any moment you might end up with the bottle, even a small one, in your hand.

For whatever reason you made it home without the booze - congrats. Enjoy the peace of mind you'll find in a few hours when the urges pass.
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Old 02-14-2018, 03:06 PM
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You made it through that one. Congrats! I do hope that you stay home for the evening and keep moving forward with your sobriety.
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Old 02-14-2018, 08:39 PM
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Yes, it got harder for me as well. I needed to learn new and better ways to find some relief and deal with life generally. This is where Recovery comes in. Sobriety and Recovery are NOT the same thing. Just not drinking doesn't mean we're addressing our alcoholic thinking, and it's that thinking that will pull us back in to our old ways.

Have you considered making a plan for your recovery yet? Dee's thread could be a good place to start... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

Also, have you considered reaching out for face to face support? It's highly likely that there are AA meetings in your area. There may also be SMART or similar as well. It's def worth investigating so you at least know what your options are.

Hang in there. The first few months really can be tough. But the long term rewards mean that is realky is worth pushing through those cravings.

BB

PS next time try to reach out here before heading to the store, and wait for a response. Sometimes those cravings do just pass. And a craving actually has no physical control over us AT ALL.

PPS Are you familiar with HALT? Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. These are major triggers. One friend of mine really does get pretty insane if she's hungry. I tell her we'll talk after she's had a sandwich. By the time she's eaten that often she doesn't need talking down from her craving. Honestly, those HALT triggers really are powerful. It's worth planning around avoiding them if nothing else. Even if it's something as simple as talking an extra sandwich to eat an hour before leaving work so you aren't hungry when you're set loose at the end of the day.
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Old 02-14-2018, 09:35 PM
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Sounds like you managed to find excuses NOT to drink and talk yourself out of it.

Keep doing that.

AND make a plan. Sobriety doesn't just happen.

You're almost at a month and still interested in that law thing. You know that won't happen if you start drinking again....right?
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Old 02-14-2018, 10:28 PM
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Well done, keep flying straight and true.
It’s not you who wants the drink it’s your beast/AV
‘Starve it with sobriety’
I heard somewhere that cravings last around 9mins
Take care
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Old 02-14-2018, 10:49 PM
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I am glad you did not drink but maybe it is time for you to look at your plan.
Do you have a plan?
Do you attend some peer support group such as AA or Smart?

Another thing I would advise is that you read about AVRT in the secular connection. Learn to recognize your AV and to handle it when it acts up.

I hope you will hang in there, it does get better I promise
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Old 02-15-2018, 12:06 AM
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On the other side of the coin you could have used the thought that the proof was less than what you used to drink so there was less harm. But you didn't, you walked out that store. That is a great victory.
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Old 02-15-2018, 12:16 AM
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Hi misterA

I think this was a win for you - the real you got what you wanted and the inner addict got nuthin.

Great outcome.

I think the advice here is good tho - sounds like you could use a few more tools in your recovery toolbox, maybe?

D
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Old 02-15-2018, 03:05 AM
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It was a HUGE victory. Hopefully today you will have realized that. When the Alcoholic Voice is crawling all over our backs it takes a heck of a lot not to do what it is telling us to do. Please give yourself a pat on the back!!!
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Old 02-15-2018, 04:51 AM
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Originally Posted by MisterA View Post
So I guess it was a victory, but it doesn’t feel like a victory. Really, the only thing that held me back was that the liquor in the bottles I could sneak in wasn’t strong enough. It’s like I won a sporting event because my opponent slept in or something. Next time it won’t go down like it did.
What your post looks like when I mute the drama.
You walked out of a liquor store empty-handed and you're giving yourself a beating for it.
Take the win.
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Old 02-15-2018, 05:19 AM
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MisterA, this gave me a massive flashback:
i walked into the local meat market to get some milk and meats and stuff. seriously looking forward to a steak dinner and that WAS all that was on my mind.
then i walked by the beer cooler and without thinkin about it, looked in. there was ice cold budweiser. my mind went bonkers. scared the crap out of me.
i grabbed the milk and was out the door without getting any steak.
it bothered me quite a bit, but a talk with a friend- someone sober a long time- said its common. it happens.
the progress was i didnt allow that thought to control my actions.

i will say this
even now I’m thinking “shoulda got the big bottle...”
is a little concerning.
have you decided youre done drinking for good?
have you become willing to do anything necessary to start recovery? working a plan/program?
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Old 02-15-2018, 05:21 AM
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I only drink the really top shelf Russian vodka myself, but no one seems to sell it where I live. Furthermore, I don't like to drink it when I am in training or trying to achieve anything that involves patience or sustained mental effort. And I'm trying to stick to a budget that precludes extravagant grocery items. Tap water, anyone?
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Old 02-15-2018, 05:24 AM
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...I forgot about only drinking from the Holy Grail.
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Old 02-15-2018, 05:43 AM
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When that happens to me, I say to myself, "You can drink tomorrow night if you want; tonight, stay sober."

Most of the time, I don't feel like drinking the next day. If I do, I repeat the process.
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Old 02-15-2018, 07:30 AM
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Nice job! That's a HUGE victory. Keep your eye on the prize..your sobriety!
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Old 02-15-2018, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
MisterA, this gave me a massive flashback:
i walked into the local meat market to get some milk and meats and stuff. seriously looking forward to a steak dinner and that WAS all that was on my mind.
then i walked by the beer cooler and without thinkin about it, looked in. there was ice cold budweiser. my mind went bonkers. scared the crap out of me.
i grabbed the milk and was out the door without getting any steak.
it bothered me quite a bit, but a talk with a friend- someone sober a long time- said its common. it happens.
the progress was i didnt allow that thought to control my actions.

i will say this
even now I’m thinking “shoulda got the big bottle...”
is a little concerning.
have you decided youre done drinking for good?
have you become willing to do anything necessary to start recovery? working a plan/program?
I had a similar experience in early sobriety that I shared with the Class of January 2013 . Speaking of which you might want to look up your class Mr A, you will get a LOT of support from others who are right where you are at
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-4-a-10.html (Class of January Support Thread 2018 Part 4)

I was a few weeks in and I went to the convenience store to get a pack of cigarettes. Before I knew it I was standing in front of the beer fridge. No idea how I ended up there but it scared the pants out of me at the time and I paid for my smokes and left really fast.
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Old 02-15-2018, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by dcg View Post
When that happens to me, I say to myself, "You can drink tomorrow night if you want; tonight, stay sober."

Most of the time, I don't feel like drinking the next day. If I do, I repeat the process.
I'll use this line when needed! Thank you.
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