blackout cheating...is it cheating?
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blackout cheating...is it cheating?
r/HusbandAdvice
blackout cheating... is it cheating?
A few nights ago I had a friend over for drinks. She ended up sleeping on our living room floor (they both were drunk) We had stayed up pretty late and my husband and I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up from hearing my youngest child and ended up laying in bed with him. I was half woken up by someone using the bathroom, while trying to get back to sleep I started hearing female moaning from my living room.I got up and went to the living room, I turned on the room light to find my friend sucking my husband's ***** They were dressed but his *****was out and I remember his eyes open. She sat there a sec and then started saying ewww eww. They both acted like they didn't know what was happening. He flipped out, yelling crying... then started yelling at me. She went to the kitchen sink and was acting as if she was gagging then started hard sobbing and ran out of my house barefoot taking none of her belongings. All while I was completely calm due to shock and the fact I had small children, our children sleeping in the house which didn't need to hear or know any of this. Long story short, he claims she molested him saying he didn't even know it was happening. Since she won't talk to me, I talked to her boyfriend who says she thought she was at home and thought it was him(her boyfriend). The thing is someone used the bathroom so One was awake and I am pretty sure I remember it being my husband, there is a difference in the sound of male and female peeing. 2nd, She was on the floor originally, I made a pallet infront of the fire for her. So what the **** do I do? I should also say That I believe they hooked up before we were married. Though there was no proof only that weird gut feeling, especially after being told they each went missing in reno while with mutual friends drinking heavily. anyways...say he was blacked out but HE went back to the couch instead of going to bed. AND she got up and went to the couch (not her house) with him. help.
blackout cheating... is it cheating?
A few nights ago I had a friend over for drinks. She ended up sleeping on our living room floor (they both were drunk) We had stayed up pretty late and my husband and I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up from hearing my youngest child and ended up laying in bed with him. I was half woken up by someone using the bathroom, while trying to get back to sleep I started hearing female moaning from my living room.I got up and went to the living room, I turned on the room light to find my friend sucking my husband's ***** They were dressed but his *****was out and I remember his eyes open. She sat there a sec and then started saying ewww eww. They both acted like they didn't know what was happening. He flipped out, yelling crying... then started yelling at me. She went to the kitchen sink and was acting as if she was gagging then started hard sobbing and ran out of my house barefoot taking none of her belongings. All while I was completely calm due to shock and the fact I had small children, our children sleeping in the house which didn't need to hear or know any of this. Long story short, he claims she molested him saying he didn't even know it was happening. Since she won't talk to me, I talked to her boyfriend who says she thought she was at home and thought it was him(her boyfriend). The thing is someone used the bathroom so One was awake and I am pretty sure I remember it being my husband, there is a difference in the sound of male and female peeing. 2nd, She was on the floor originally, I made a pallet infront of the fire for her. So what the **** do I do? I should also say That I believe they hooked up before we were married. Though there was no proof only that weird gut feeling, especially after being told they each went missing in reno while with mutual friends drinking heavily. anyways...say he was blacked out but HE went back to the couch instead of going to bed. AND she got up and went to the couch (not her house) with him. help.
Last edited by Dee74; 02-12-2018 at 07:31 PM.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,630
Hi and welcome. Sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
I don't understand why your "friend" won't talk to you.
You either trust him or you don't on this. Short of him confessing otherwise you kind of have to take him at his word. Or not of course, you can choose not to believe him.
Either way, going forward, you need to take care of yourself and deal with how this affects you. Whether that is Al-Anon, counselling, whatever avenue you think might help, outside support would be helpful probably.
There is a saying around here that "more will be revealed", I would say that is probably the case here.
I don't understand why your "friend" won't talk to you.
You either trust him or you don't on this. Short of him confessing otherwise you kind of have to take him at his word. Or not of course, you can choose not to believe him.
Either way, going forward, you need to take care of yourself and deal with how this affects you. Whether that is Al-Anon, counselling, whatever avenue you think might help, outside support would be helpful probably.
There is a saying around here that "more will be revealed", I would say that is probably the case here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I don't think being drunk mitigates infidelity, and despite not knowing the players and allthe 'he did she did' stuff this sounds like infidelity.
As for what do you do ?
I don't know - despite all the excuses, it would probably be a deal breaker in a relationship for me.
If you have kids together or other reasons to keep the marriage together maybe counselling is an idea?
I wish you well whatever you decide.
D
As for what do you do ?
I don't know - despite all the excuses, it would probably be a deal breaker in a relationship for me.
If you have kids together or other reasons to keep the marriage together maybe counselling is an idea?
I wish you well whatever you decide.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 22
I am so so sorry that you experienced this. I actually feel so hurt, sick, angry and heartbroken for you. No matter what the circumstances that is unacceptable. Also I think you should trust your instincts. I’ve always had good instincts and it was only when I was with my alcoholic boyfriend that I was made to feel like I couldn’t trust them and I was instead “crazy” and jealous as he deemed me to be. Since being apart though all of my instincts have proven to be correct and I wish I had more trust in myself from the get go to follow them.
At the end of the day regardless of whether you are right or not about this so called “friend” and her intentions you deserve to be treated with respect by your own husband.
I can’t imagine the pain you are going through and the challenges this presents to you as a married couple with children. When I left my alcoholic boyfriend I did not have so much at stake. All my love is going out to you.
At the end of the day regardless of whether you are right or not about this so called “friend” and her intentions you deserve to be treated with respect by your own husband.
I can’t imagine the pain you are going through and the challenges this presents to you as a married couple with children. When I left my alcoholic boyfriend I did not have so much at stake. All my love is going out to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
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When you "black out" drunk, it doesn't mean you don't know what you are doing at the time, it just means that the memory of what you have done hasn't been "recorded" and saved in the brain.
Blackout usually occurs when there are 10 or more units of alcohol in the blood at a time. Bearing in mind that 1 unit takes 1 hour to process. So if you drank 3 units an hour in 6 hours you would have 12/ 13 units in your blood..this could cause blackout.
But doesn't mean you walk around in blackness, like I said just means at this point the chemical balance is so changed, you can't record the memories.
I was cheated on numerous times by someone with a drink problem, I swallowed every excuse, even though my gut was telling me the excuses were bullcrap.
What you have described upon finding them sounds like quite a pantomime of a performance, if it was me, knowing what I know now, I would be just as angry that they were talking me for a fool feeding me unbelievable lies like that and expecting me to believe it
I would follow your gut.
Blackout usually occurs when there are 10 or more units of alcohol in the blood at a time. Bearing in mind that 1 unit takes 1 hour to process. So if you drank 3 units an hour in 6 hours you would have 12/ 13 units in your blood..this could cause blackout.
But doesn't mean you walk around in blackness, like I said just means at this point the chemical balance is so changed, you can't record the memories.
I was cheated on numerous times by someone with a drink problem, I swallowed every excuse, even though my gut was telling me the excuses were bullcrap.
What you have described upon finding them sounds like quite a pantomime of a performance, if it was me, knowing what I know now, I would be just as angry that they were talking me for a fool feeding me unbelievable lies like that and expecting me to believe it
I would follow your gut.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
Wow. Can't believe what I'm reading. If it were me that would be the end of the relationship. No questions. I've been paralytic many times but I've never had sex with anyone other than my partner and I could never confuse another woman for her regardless of how drunk I was.
I also second what mandy said.
I also second what mandy said.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 251
Oh my goodness. I actually feel physically sick reading this and it isnt even about my husband. I feel so upset and angry for you!!! I would trust your guts girl. Dont listen to him or her. Sit down and think about this- and trust your intuition, its almost always right. Situations involving kids and marriage is difficult. Yes, it is cheating, and for me, it would be over. It sounds so sketchy.... I have this sick feeling that your husband did know it wasnt you, especially with the bathroom etc.,
Maybe your friend was blacked and thought it was her boyfriend if she was awoken, but someone was awake!!! But then again, dont listen to me listen to your soul!!! I really hope you are ok!!
Maybe your friend was blacked and thought it was her boyfriend if she was awoken, but someone was awake!!! But then again, dont listen to me listen to your soul!!! I really hope you are ok!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Cheating is cheating, flat out. No amount of alcohol or drugs mitigates that. It's an excuse. Your husband made a poor choice under the influence and got busted and is trying to save his butt. The question is what now for you? Hugs to you. I know it hurts.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
It is what it is. Blackout drunk does not mean a person does not know what they are doing. It means merely that their brain does not form memories of the event, so there is no recall. I hate that you are going through this, but while alcohol does impair judgement, they were both aware that what they were doing was not "right".
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I've done some messed up things when in blackout mode(so I'm told) and cheating has never been one. Not making lite of your situation,but when I've been cheated on in past relationships and they'd pull the "drunk card" I always laughed. Cheating is cheating drunk or sober in my book.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Well, yes, its cheating.
But the bigger issue I believe is the lifestyle that is leading you to situations like this. I mean, college boyfriend caught in same situation? Yucky for sure but could be chalked up to environment and immaturity.
You guys are married, with a family. Maybe its time to re-evaluate how you spend your time and with whom. Marriage is serious business and it takes both parties to be all in for it to succeed. Maybe start there. And yeah, maybe quit drinking.
But the bigger issue I believe is the lifestyle that is leading you to situations like this. I mean, college boyfriend caught in same situation? Yucky for sure but could be chalked up to environment and immaturity.
You guys are married, with a family. Maybe its time to re-evaluate how you spend your time and with whom. Marriage is serious business and it takes both parties to be all in for it to succeed. Maybe start there. And yeah, maybe quit drinking.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
There's no excuse.
If infidelity occurs during blackout drinking, then, conscious or not, it's another reason to NOT drink. "I did it because I was really drunk" doesn't continue to be an excuse.
Period.
You have a choice on how to handle the situation. But it definitely was infidelity.
If infidelity occurs during blackout drinking, then, conscious or not, it's another reason to NOT drink. "I did it because I was really drunk" doesn't continue to be an excuse.
Period.
You have a choice on how to handle the situation. But it definitely was infidelity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Its cheating.
I'm married. I've been blackout drunk countless times and the most I've done is light flirting with other men, over messenger or in person. Nothing that crosses the line.
I've had the opportunity but haven't done it or even come close, even though I've been tempted, so speaking from an alcoholic perspective, its cheating.
I'm married. I've been blackout drunk countless times and the most I've done is light flirting with other men, over messenger or in person. Nothing that crosses the line.
I've had the opportunity but haven't done it or even come close, even though I've been tempted, so speaking from an alcoholic perspective, its cheating.
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