Ghoster18

I had 32 days
This woman who paid me attention
Was a player
I got sunk.
I picked up with the pain
God I am so flat.

I'm not a work because I can't go
I took drugs
Drank etc etc
I'm still in it just finding some clarity to post.
My family warned me about her tactics
I got sucked in
Talk about fkn disempowered!!
Everything hurts right now for real..
Body mind soul.
It's like I've gone from hope to despair
I am mad mad mad
When I first picked up again early sat morning it felt woozy and warm
Now it feels like indescribable.
What a plonker!
I'm different to non addicted people
I can't do intrigue and fantasy
It crushes me
My feelings are so easily hurt!!

Sorry guys
I was really trying to build a slow resource on here for my recovery!
G

biminiblue

Yeah, entanglements with an emotional angle are really difficult for me, too. I'm sorry you were hurt. Drinking and drugging "at" her won't help it.

I'm best to stay clear of them in general - but I could NOT have handled a romantic tryst in early recovery. Much too raw and emotional in early days.

I hope you can just consider this a lesson-learned and get back at healing yourself.

icandothis20

You may have made a bad choice- but you didnt blow everything, especially didnt blow us being a resource for your recovery. Thats what we are here for! Dont let the AV trick you into thinking that. It hurts, yes. You learnt a lesson, yes. People like us have to safe guard our sobriety like its our life (it is). There must be something to the saying in AA that you shouldnt do anything major in your first year, and it is encouraged not to get into any new relationships. Because when they deteriorate, we want to drink. Just get back on the horse, you arent dead, God still isnt finished with you!

ProfessorD

Sorry to hear that, Ghoster. You can rebound and regain your sobriety! I've seen many people doing that around here lately.

I'm not quite sure I understand all of your post or who the woman is you're referring to... but from personal experience, I don't think we get sucked into drinking/using unless we want it. No one has the power to disempower you when it comes to your sobriety except yourself.

Just my two cents--hope I'm not being insensitive. You haven't blown it!

Ghoster18

I have almost unbearable pains in my collar bones
My heart is running for the hills

For what?

A stupid belief that this sick woman
Wanted to get close.

All she wanted was to be playful on her terms

I can't do that
I wasn't looking for a woman
I went to her therapy practice all totally legit
Because I had excrutiating lower back pain.
She kept texting me..

How are you
Pls write me a poem
If I can help in anywAy let me know blah blah blah!
Then she said some horrible things
I just fell for her lies.

She's ok
I'm fkn drunk!!!

Ghoster18

I'm gonna say this because it's important to me.


Last Sunday morning I was in severe pain
I couldn't even put my socks on
My torso was visibly pulled off to one side
I needed help.


Totally honest
My mum drive me over to this womans house because I couldn't drive my car.
I had no intention whatsoever of picking up my addiction.
But later on that evening
My phone lit up it was her
Now in my right mind with more recovery I would have put a boundary in place
But but but
Early sober me thinks
Oh this is exciting
So I engaged with it
I warned her off me weds because I woke up to a kiss from her on my text
And I said I am a recovering alcoholic addict
Your coming in way to close to my personal feelings
I like you but pls stop texting me if your not interested in me.
She told me some ********!
And little needy addict takes the fkn bait.

Yeah big lesson learnt
But I was not manipulating or planning getting loaded in anywAy.
I just need to distance myself from women in an intimate level for a long time even if the intimacy is all in my own mind.
Because when it comes down to it
And I'm distressed there is always one place I'll go to numb out!
Nuff said!

biminiblue

Well, she isn't "okay." If she's playing some sick, "Come here, go away," game she has issues. If you are making it more than it is - well, that happens too. I used to go on first dates and start planning my forever with the guy.

What does an alcoholic bring to a second date? A moving van.

Regardless, this is about you and your hand putting alcohol in your mouth.

Stop it!

Seriously, pour out the rest and drink some water, eat some food, take a nap and start your sobriety again when you wake up.

No one is worth losing your sobriety over. Some people play games, and they will disappoint and betray us. Guard your heart, Ghoster.

Ghoster18

Guard your heart Ghoster!!
Bloody hell the warmth of that
From another alcoholic .. thank you I won't forget what you just said to me!

I literally am experiencing the physical allergy right now.
I mean I can post
And talk
But I feel genuinely powerless over this ****!!
I will not give up
It's sad
To be here again
Truly painful!

biminiblue

It's from one of the greatest poetic books ever written, my friend.

~Proverbs 4:18-27
The path of the righteous is like the morning sun,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
they do not know what makes them stumble.

My son, pay attention to what I say;
turn your ear to my words.

Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;

for they are life to those who find them
and health to one’s whole body.

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.

Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.

Do not turn to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.

Ghoster18

OMG!
I don't know what to say to bimini
I really don't... that is
So so powerful for me right now.
To be honest a bit scary too!

There's some really good company on here
And I need good company
Ive been so sick over the last couple of days.. really sick!
I've violated just about every part of that verse you just sent me.

That's addiction the sickness!
And recovery is the healing!
It's just trying to find the motivation to shift myself up and out!
Thank you once again my SR friend!

Ghoster18

In bed now
It's all stopped
But the usual withdrawal symptoms are kicking in.
I can feel again into my body
This part is actually terrifying
I chain smoke as well when I'm drinking.
I don't smoke at all when I'm sober.
So my poor body is like working over time.
We all know this stage of the cycle.

Also this woman is in my head
She's gone now txts have stopped
I basically told her where to go.
Should have done that a week ago when her texts started appearing on my phone.
But I'm thinking about her now I thought she was beautiful!
I didn't at the time when I was receiving treatment but because she was contacting me I grew fond of her.
She even text me today and sent this...

'Coz I can, let me tell you, you got into my psyche
Delayed intimacy is sexy as ****!
U win!'

Then on Friday last she sent
This...
' probably one Of my more stupid ideas but would you like to come round to mine for tea sometime'

So I said (perhaps foolishly)
why is it a stupid idea to invite me round for a cup of tea.

She said..
Your so analytical!
Really... but I just asked a simple question
Anyway my sponsor said to me last Friday when I was still sober
To meet her in a public place the first time don't go round to her place God knows what she could do or say about me.
She may be a real teaser then accuse me of something.
I'm not into all that head games crap.

I'm exhausted
Curveball smacked me right in the face in this one and I fell!

I'm still in a type of shock
Like what the hell just happened to me!

I reckon if I'd played her game her way I probably would have had sex with her
Say in about 2020!
Seriously it was like
All about her pick me up
Drop me over and over
Playful but very odd! Too much for to handle emotionally!

Sick like me but in a different way.
Anyways
The results for me have been disastrous
I got another one of those awful internet loans with abhorrent interest rates to feed my addiction!

And here I am again
Bloated
Insomnia
Heart pumping too fast
Fatigued
Pains all over my body
Off work it's my new job as well
It was going so well I just completed 4 weeks and I was going great guns.
I won't be well enough to go back now until
All this withdrawal hell has passed which is usually 72 hours of initial readjustment.
So Thursday.

I'm scared.
What does the Big Book say..
Demoralisation!

G

biminiblue

I say go back today. You won't be the first one at meetings hungover/in withdrawal. That's what they're there for. Of course, if you're just too sick...maybe your sponsor could bring a meeting to you.

Get well, my friend.

tomsteve

I'm scared.
What does the Big Book say..
Demoralisation!

the big book also says

There Is A Solution

The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism.

it also says
if you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.


do you want what we have?
are you ready to take certain steps?

Dee74

let the woman stuff go,. delete the texts, and get to a meeting.

Why wait to start the rest of your life man?

D