Trying to gather some strength
 

Posting because I need to and want to. It’s like I can see what success looks like (stopping drinking , losing weight, more money, better relationships, improved health) but my brain is pickled with the daily grind of evening drinking.

It’s all mindset isn’t it, today I’m just fleeting from a few minutes in which I’m at peace with myself- then suddenly- wham- it hits me- “you’re going to get your cans like normal tonight” and the endless loop continues.

I’ve got stuff on today but my head is just in constant conflict behind the scenes- I just want it to shut up and to shut it off

Maybe if I just fasten myself down to a seat for the next 6 months, the desire / urge to drink will be less

I looked at myself in the mirror when trying clothes on yesterday, looked at what beer has done to me- 2 stone heavier and spending money on clothes a size up- ridiculous!

I'm only 10 days in. This time I found it very hard to pull myself off the drink. I made the decision to stop for good, while still drunk. Then I thought, the only thing I have to do, is stick to this decision..easy right? Would be, except that everytime I have the urge to drink, I am faced with the decision again. But I keep thinking when the urges strike and the thought to drink or not to drink comes up, I've ALREADY made the decision, and it was to stop.
When I wasn't having urges, I came up with ways that would help me get through when I WAS having them. But I have vowed never to stray from the decision not to drink, it's all I cling to sometimes.

Stew,

For me there is no mystery, trick, or magic.

Staying sober requires physical and mental suffering.

Not getting the fix hurts. The hurt escalates, plateaus, then slowly dissaptates. It still has not totally gone away.

The crave is still there, but I remember the hell I went through. If there was no hell, I would not have quit.

Folks trying to quit that have not experienced a sufficient amount of hell have a harder time quitting.

Being forced to quit before the body and mind are ready has to be a horrid place.

Someone once said, everything will be ok in the end. If it is not ok, it is not the end.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

This is the first thing most of us try, and, from what I can gather, the majority of problem drinkers will resolve their problems this way.

It certainly was the first thing I tried. I had very good reasons to stop for good, and I made that decision more times than I could count. Yet by some strange twist of thinking, I would just change my mind, usually within a few hours. All the good reasons I had to stop just vanished from my consciousness. Many times I didn't even remeber taking the fatal first drink.

Some of us are like that. With all the will in the world we are without an effectve mental defence against the first drink. Because I am like that, I needed to do more than just stay away from the first drink. I needed a good plan of action to build an effective defence.

I'm very glad that you found your salvation Gottalife. I'm very glad for anyone who finds it :) I, myself have no idea whether I am an alcoholic, a problem drinker, alcohol dependent, binge drinker etc. I don't care much for labels.
I do know that I will never go back on my decision to not drink again. But I do know, a plan of action is needed.

Maybe if I just fasten myself down to a seat for the next 6 months, the desire / urge to drink will be less
putting maybe in there is you tellin yourself ya know that wont work.


. It’s like I can see what success looks like (stopping drinking , losing weight, more money, better relationships, improved health)

you missed the MOST important benefit:
self hatred disappears and self love starts.
with action,of course.

honestly,stew, what ive read for a long time from ya is the idea that recovery occurs by osmosis- like sitting in the garage all day will make you a car- and the statement about strapping into a chair for 6 months is another example of it.

thats now how it works and you know that- youve said so.. theres no magical potion, words, or anything of the sort.

now whats the action going to be? still no on rehab, counselling, recovery programs?

Ya know Stewy, maybe you have not paid the heavy price for drinking yet. You continue to stick with your "plan" of spending more time with family and friends. Sounds like you are lucky to still have family and friends that will stick with you despite your drinking. I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds like the people that care about you don't see your drinking as a major problem. Maybe your drinking is not that bad yet. You talk about spending time with your daughter and friends despite your drinking problems. Maybe if you can still do that, than maybe you have not paid a price from your drinking. Maybe that's why you don't take your drinking seriously and consider outside help. I mean, why bother if your family and friends are ok with your drinking?
There is such a thing as a functional alcoholic and maybe that fits your situation. You get up, go to work, deal with family responsibilities, etc. I don't think you have found a reason to completely stop drinking. What I don't understand is why you ask for help here but never seriously consider it. Why ask for help if you don't really see a reason to change anything? I can see why you never respond to people's advice for rehab, etc. Your life is fine. You have people that support your drinking and are willing to accept your reasons for it.
No offense man, but I think you think you are smarter than the people here on SR and smarter than alcoholism and just like playing mind games here. Your ego is gonna turn out to be your biggest enemy and your downfall. If you really have a drinking problem, this game will eventually backfire. Happens every time. John

Stew, I was in a similar situation. Evening drinking, waking up thinking can't keep doing this, but did exactly the same thing come evening. I have a family, good job etc, all looked absolutely fine on the outside...

But I knew that a bottle of wine (sometimes more) a night was not good, and I just couldn't stop. Red flag, this was only going to go one way, down & down.

I had to make myself accountable, I told my GP and was referred to addiction counselling. It was bloody horrible at the start but I'm over 4 months in & feeling so much better.

Best to stop the downhill spiral....

I was talking to my friend the other day about the alcoholic drinking/thinking pattern/loop I was stuck in for a while. He was saying how he can sense/see how my thinking has changed so much in the past 9-10 months and it has. I no longer have the constant thoughts of "when,where,how" about my drinking. It's like they've vanished. I know I'll never drink like a normal person so, taking drinking completely out of the picture has really been beneficial for me and my happiness. What's your plan Stew? How about some therapy and AA meetings/step work? Those two helped me a lot.

Thing about your head...no matter what you do, or where you go, it's still there. Instead of escaping the clamor, you have to learn to accept it, or learn how to quiet it without drink.

Hi Stew,

I've been through what you described more times than I care to admit. I knew I was not able to take a drink without taking another from the 1st time I drank after 2.5 years sober. Too bad that wasn't enough. Even the time I got 7 years .... I drank a gain and worse than before. My last drink was after 6 months sober (the first month in the hospital in intensive care) for 1 week.... That one week took me back to the same place I was at upon entering the hospital the last time and I don't remember any of my time there.

What I think changed for me (even though I was to drink that one week more) was when I realized that I wasn't going to get the relief of dying.....I would come out more physically and mentally destroyed than before ... that it would get worse and worse and still I would have to live with the severe consequences of drinking.

I had no idea in 1985 when I got sober the first time just how hard and long the journey would be. And though I was arrogant and really smart, and all that other stuff ....

I kept getting back up. People still told me to get back up. People helped me get back up. People like family, work, AA, Treatment, hospitals, and SR (10 treatments, a dozen detoxes, numerous hospital trips and numberless times of being babysat through days one, two and three). .

I have 14 months now, after all those years, and all those lost sobrieties. I feel good about where I am headed in sobriety today. I have pieced together a sobriety support tool box that works for me. I can never know the future and whether or not I will stay sober the rest of my life ..... But I am sober today with a good chance at tomorrow. I don't think about how to get a drink or how to stay away from a drink everyday. I am no longer obsessed with drinking in that horrible way I was for so long.

Keep getting up no matter what, and that includes no matter what others may say.

I hope you can start to put together a tool kit that will support you to sobriety and beyond.

:grouphug:

So, what are gonna do Stewy? You've turned down suggestions of AA, therapy, in or out patient help, pretty much anything that requires you to actually do something besides keep doing what you've been doing which obviously isn't working. What changes are you willing to make? I've noticed you never respond to suggestions to go to AA, etc. Why is that? If you see a reason to change, your not gonna change anything. John

Thank you. So, so helpful. I hope this is helpful to you too Stew.

Stew, while maybe sounding harsh, 2much pain is right. I have heard this many times before - the definition of insanity is keep doing what you're doing and expecting a different outcome. Just "buckling down" and riding it out rarely, and I mean rarely, works for any period of time. You have to actually embrace your choice and work to reach it. Sobriety won't magically just happen and if you are in constant conflict, use resources at your disposal. AA, AVRT, SMART meetings, inpatient if you have the ability, and stop looking at the future. Look at today, as that's the only thing you have control over. The past is a memory and the future is a dream. Live in the now and you might make some headway.

I'm thankful you're posting, Stewy. You haven't given up on a better life. You can get free.

Just want to be extremely clear on this. I do not think I am smarter than anyone on this forum. I also do not engage in mind games. Never have done, never will do. I come here for help and because I know this drinking needs to end.

I do not think I am smarter than alcoholism either.

Thank you

Hey Stewy-Glad to see you decided to come back. One of the tools that I used in the beginning, to avoid falling back into my drinking routine at the end of the day was to plan to do something that I would not do if I was still drinking. Whether it be going to an AA meeting, scheduling a therapy session late in the day or going to the gym...it helped me not only get past the time of day that I craved alcohol the most, but connect with other people and feel good about the choice that I made. With each day of being in my new routine, my conviction to stay sober and create a new life has became stronger and stronger. For me, there had to be CHANGE and it had to happen when I knew I would be at my weakest! As you already know, change isn't easy at first...but it really doesn't take long before change becomes "the norm".

Keep trying and don't give up Stewy...Plan the work, work the plan!

xoxo
CT

how about answering the one qustion john asked:

So, what are gonna do Stewy?

you self admit above you come here for help yet refuse to do anything people suggest- unless its the simple things youve been repeating for a long time-eating right,making a daily plan, keeping busy,exercise-absolutely nothing to address the underlying issues.
and ya keep drinking.
and none of what youve been repeating has been working- like hittin my thumb over and over with a hammer expecting the nail to get driven into the wood-insane.


So, what are gonna do Stewy?

Stewey... If you're anything like I was when I joined here, In the years I would drink and post about wanting/trying to stop but, still drank. I hated myself when I wasn't drinking. I hated myself while drinking. I hated myself when I sobered up for drinking again. Looking back it's clear as day to me and was probably clear to everyone BUT me that I simply hated myself and my 'life' I was living. Some of the self hate wasn't even about drinking,but drinking was my form of self hurt/punishment that I imposed on myself. It was an easy 'cop out' instead of finding what/why I hated myself so much. I'm still working through some of that with AA and therapy,but I've stopped the self hurt. Without stopping that I would never be able to live a good and happy life from here forward. Seek some F2F support and find your happiness.