NerfThis

Hi everyone!

I need to make this post as I'm struggling SO much with keeping my drinking under control, and feel like by posting and making others aware, it will push me to do something.

I'm a 34 year old woman and for some reason I go on these mad drinking benders and struggle to get out of them. Its been going on for YEARS.

I've just completed Dry January. An entire month of not drinking and during that time I was going to the gym nearly every day and managed to run about 10k during each session plus weight lifting. I'm also currently unemployed (I was an illustrator for a gaming product, myself and many on my team got made redundant) so have been using all my free time to either exercise or work very hard on improving my artistic skills so that I can steer my career in the right direction (illustration/animation etc) so have been doing tutorials and going to figure drawing classes. I've made a LOT of progress in just a month.

My problem is that once I go out drinking on the weekend, It goes on for days. I went for a brunch with my friends on Saturday. We all had an amazing time, but we were drinking loads (I was drinking more than others) and naturally felt horrible on Sunday. So what did I do? Started drinking early on Sunday to fight the hangover. Then Monday the same thing. Then again yesterday. Today I'm doing EVERYTHING in my power to not reach for a drink. My figure drawing class is tomorrow morning and I absolutely have to go to it as if I miss one, it will become a habit and I'll lose everything I've worked so hard for during January. I haven't been to the gym for four days because I just feel so drained and depressed from the drinking. Literally not capable of doing anything other than write this post.

My husband gave me a really nice anniversary card recently and wrote how proud he is of how much I've done with my illustrating and fitness. I looked at it this morning and cried because I am the POLAR opposite when I drink.

I just don't understand how I can go for weeks and weeks achieving so much and then just ruin everything with these crazy three or four day benders. I let myself down so often, but what hurts the most is that I'm letting him down. He will drink, have a hangover and just sit with the hangover all day. I seem to HAVE to drink again to avoid it.

I can't seem to get it under control. Why don't I just suffer with the hangover? I used to suffer with the hangovers. Around five years ago I began this habit of drinking on the Sunday too. It was actually when my husband moved to America so I was living alone for a year and would just drink the whole weekend. The habit has stayed with me now that I live here with him and I just want it to go away!

I'm sorry for such a long post, but I've never reached out to any one about this before and have so much on my mind. My husband is the only person I've ever mentioned it to and he doesn't see it as a huge problem like I do.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR!

Why don't you just avoid drinking altogether? It doesn't seem to be serving you very well.

NerfThis

I think if I could very easily do that, I'd not be posting in here for advice

ljc267

I can only speak for myself, but the reason I couldn't do it is because I'm an alcoholic.

I spent years trying to control my drinking. I rationalized, debated with myself, and took days off. You name it, I tried it but it never worked. In fact it got worse every year.

The only thing that helped was to quit altogether.

16YearsDrunk

You've done 30 days, and you can see the benefits it had on you. If you did 30 days completely dry you have the willpower to quit for good. Funny you mention you're an illustrator we're looking for a freelance vector illustrator for web graphics/icons/animations.

Do you have a plan to quit? Personally, if I did 30 days and noticed all the benefits I'd never touch a drop again. Actually, I lie, I did 60 and still drank again lol.

Either way that's a good achievement. Start today? Hang around here and read other posts, or vent, or ask questions. This place has been a God send for me.

ljc267

The thing is. It is that easy at first. As time goes by it gets harder and harder.

Nonsensical

What makes giving up alcohol difficult for you?

NerfThis

Thanks for the replies!

I guess I'm just struggling to understand why I can't just drink in moderation? That first day out with friends is enjoyable and I like drinking with them, but then having to drink the next day is the thing I can't get under control. I went for dinner with my husband on Friday and had two cocktails. That was all I had and then I was in the gym at 8am the next day doing my run and with no desire to drink. As soon as I get that bad hangover, I seem to drink to fight it and it's just been going on for too long.

16YearsDrunk

Because you, like all of us, have an alcohol problem. There is never moderation for us. It's all or nothing and no inbetween. For life.

NerfThis

Because I enjoy the drinking experience when I drink normally, but the 'next day' drinking with the hangover is the bit that terrifies me.

Horatio48

Sounds very familiar to me. Very disciplined and focused for long stretches. Then you feel you deserve a reward. Drink. Feel bad. Drink. Eventually stop. Back to the discipline and focus. Then a while later - bang. Drink again. That is me on repeat for the last three years or so.

If I were to advise myself three years back, it would be this. Try and relax. Enjoy the moment. Keep a balance in life. Don't obsess about your discipline. Don't beat yourself up or feel too bad about letting people down or yourself down. Nobody's perfect. You don't ruin everything you have achieved by drinking. You just ruin what you could have achieved in that period.

Try and realise - really appreciate and digest - alcohol is not your friend. It should not be a part of your life. Sometimes you will give in. If you do, stop as soon as you can. For yourself mainly. For your physical and mental well-being. Stay happy. Keep smiling. Keep trying to be better.

That's what I would say to myself three years ago.

I have still not succeeded in giving up drinking. But I keep trying.

Good luck.

NerfThis

EXACTLY this. It's not even like during Dry January all I could think about was drink. I was fine without it. There's this insane thing where I just feel compelled to drink again if I wake up feeling rotten. I go from being proud of achieving, to hating myself and thinking I am a let down to absolutely everyone.

NerfThis

Thank you for the replies, guys. I desperately needed to post as it is very lonely being like this, so just needed to reach out.

entropy1964

Well I guess you have to decide if you believe you are addicted to alcohol. If you are, it generally gets worse.

I am a bender drinker also. I wasn't always however...just morphed into that. I can go easily without for months, even years. But when I do drink, duck and cover. I'm a human WMD. Its a horrid way to live. Abstinence is the only way for me.

milly4me

I can't control my drinking. I would have no problem giving up alcohol for short periods of time. I've never really been physically addicted to alcohol. Still, I'm an alcoholic.

I'm an alcoholic because I can't control my drinking. Sometimes I can control it. But every time I pick up a drink, I don't know if the night with end with control over alcohol or turn into a several day bender. It's like playing Russian roulette. Sosoossoso that means I'm really never in control.

I haven't drank for 26 days. I'm not going to take any chances with alcohol today either.

I have nothing to blame on my inability to control my consumption. It's not because I don't like experiencing hangovers. It's not because my hubby makes me crazy. It's not really because of anything. I think I was born just unable to control alcohol.

Anna

Nerf, being an alcoholic isn't about how often you drink, or even how much. It's about what happens to you when you drink. It sounds like you can't stop. I was a binge-drinker, too. For a long time, I tried to convince myself I had control because the first day would be okay. But, after that, things went downhill and I had no control. I became a person I hated.

I hope you decide to stop drinking.

FitNonDrinker

Nerf, you aren't alone. I feel much the same. I can quit for long periods, but recently it's become harder. Drinking/alcoholism is a progressive thing. If I think about how I drank just a few years ago, it was much less and hard to deal with than it is now. That's why I'm afraid and need to get my crap together NOW. I don't want to be desperate and have to drink every day to get by. I feel in my heart that that is where I may be someday.

Also, something very powerful to me is to think of drinking as a PUNISHMENT. So many times when I think of quitting, I feel like I'll be missing it. Like it's a punishment. But poisoning ourselves with drinking IS a punishment. Our thinking is all wrong.

So next time you feel like you'll be missing something if you never drink again, pat yourself on the back and congratulate your brain for seeing alcohol for what it is. PUNISHMENT to our minds and health!

I hope you stick around, post and read. So much great advice here! Good luck!

NerfThis

Congrats on 26 days of no drinking!
I don't even drink during the week (unless, of course one of these crazy benders happens and I end up drinking on Monday) But if I'm not hungover on Monday then my next drink won't be until Friday or Saturday when I see my friends, but then those nights out all too often lead me down the path of drinking heavily the following day.

NerfThis

Sounds very familiar. That 'control' just completely vanishing once I hit hangover day. I just don't understand how on Friday I could easily have just a cocktail with dinner. I had such a nice anniversary meal with my husband and no desire to drink heavily, but just to enjoy a cocktail while eating. But yesterday I was frantically drinking rather than just accepting that I had a hangover.

NerfThis

Thanks for the reply! Clearly my problem is that I'm just so desperate to drink like a normal person. Have those evenings where I go for dinner and barely drink, when in fact It's like I need to quit all together. As you said, I'm actually AFRAID of what could happen if I don't get my **** together.