NerfThis

I'm so confused at the moment as well. It's like I'm at my worst drinking levels these days, but also this is the first time in my life that I've been so in shape (the ability to run so far at the moment and lift weights etc. This time last year I was just barely able to run for one minute)

So I'm literally two people. The girl that goes to the gym nearly every morning and is working incredibly hard at her artwork throughout the day, and the girl that drinks so much that she stacks her drinking sessions and can sometimes be drinking three or four days long. I'm mentally in a very tough and confusing place right now.

NerfThis

I was reading an awful lot of posts this morning before I was brave enough to create my own and ask for help. I'm so glad this forum exists and very appreciative of all the advice I've been given today!

2ndhandrose

SR is a very special place

You talk about feeling like 2 people:

"So I'm literally two people. The girl that goes to the gym nearly every morning and is working incredibly hard at her artwork throughout the day, and the girl that drinks so much that she stacks her drinking sessions and can sometimes be drinking three or four days long. I'm mentally in a very tough and confusing place right now."

Which person do you want to encourage, to feed, to grow?

NerfThis

I desperately want the creative, hard working one to be successful. However, I want her to be someone that CAN have a drink with her husband or with her friends and keep it limited without over doing it. In all honesty I thoroughly enjoy those low key occasions, so right now it's very tough to think that I could end up losing those occasions due to the heavy drinker in me getting out of control on other occasions.

Right now I feel like I could turn myself into a person that doesn't drink excessively, however all the advice on this post so far is pushing me to think my only option is to quit forever, as if I don't this could eventually turn a lot worse.

I just did an entire month of not drinking, so it feels crazy to be on this forum today, desperate for advice on not drinking excessively.

2ndhandrose

For various reasons, I was able to easily abstain for periods of time. Of course, what made it easy was that I knew it was temporary. I would go back to drinking once the antibiotics or whatever were done. Easy.

And, I don't think it is crazy for you to be here, asking questions. You have legitimate concerns.

Do you believe you can continue casually drinking, without things going south, ever?

2ndhandrose

I am not putting you on the hot plate just asking a genuine question (just saying )

NerfThis

It's a good question and I'm not sure what my answer is to it. I'm feeling like if I could do that, surely I'd have done it already and I wouldn't be sitting here feeling devastated that I just drank every day since Saturday (apart from today)

What seems to be clear is that even though my drinking often scares me a LOT, those times when I'm not overdoing it are things I don't want to lose. We go for dinner, I have a drink or two, wake up at 6am and run on the treadmill thinking' You are obviously capable of being sensible sometimes. Why is it not ALL the time?!'

I'm a confused mess today

Done4today

Welcome to SR Nerfthis,

Reading through this thread you have come to the right place. Since you haven't convinced yourself that you're an alcoholic yet. I will tell you why I know I am an alcoholic. I can go days, weeks, months and even a year once without drinking. But once I drank that first beer then I would get a craving to drink more. Sometimes I could fight the urge to drink more but other times I couldn't. I would drink to oblivion during those binges. Then the binges came more often and the cravings got stronger. I went to AA to "learn to control" my drinking. I found out I was alcoholic and that is because normal drinkers don't "crave" another drink. And normal drinkers don't obsess about the next time they get to drink.

Figuring out that you're alcoholic sucks but it's not a surprise. It was the best realization for me in my life because once I accepted the fact and surrendered. I was able to start working on the solution. There are recovery plans (AA, SMART, etc) that help with sobriety. You have tremendous will power to be able to quit but to stay quit takes action.

I am not suggesting to go out and drink. If you decide you're not an alcoholic and continue to drink. Here is a simple test, have three drinks everyday no more and no less at the same time for 60 days. If you can do this without ever having to skip a day or without drinking more than the three. You probably aren't an alcoholic. and if you decide you're an alcoholic. Welcome to the biggest club that no one wanted to join.

Good luck Nerf

2ndhandrose

That is a common lament around here, why can't I just have a drink or two, followed up by, if I could have drank like that, I would have drank like that and not been posting on SR.

That is my story, anyway

The capable sometimes, but not ALL the time, is the scary part. And the progression. If it is happening enough to bring you here, then you do have some investigating to do.

You don't have to decide today, this moment, but you are in the right place to educate yourself, find some common ground and address your fears about not drinking.

From my vantage point, not drinking rocks!I love being sober, I love being totally in control of my faculties at all times and I love waking up in the morning, every morning, never wondering what I did or who I offended the night before.

Why not just continue your Dry January into Fab February (sorry, can't think of a sober f word to go with Feb ) and see where it goes?

No one ever, has woken up and said, "Damn, I sure regret NOT drinking last night!" LOL!

Post, read, and just not drink for awhile. See how that goes!

ProfessorD

Hi NerfThis! I relate to almost everything in your post: the shame, the benders, the frustration that I can't just drink in moderation. I'm learning to realize I can't just have one or two without ruining my life. It sounds like you have a great partner and support system to just quit. My husband recently told me he's inspired by my giving up alcohol, and it felt so good! Maybe instead of living your double life and trying to moderate you can just surrender and start working on a plan to stay sober and happy all the time

NerfThis

Thanks Done4today. And you are absolutely right. I'm massively struggling with the realization that I'm quite likely an alcoholic. Those moments I've enjoyed drinking just a little are the ones confusing me into thinking the problem isn't as big as it is. After a sober January, I was perfectly ok with just two cocktails during our anniversary meal. I didn't have to force myself to drink very little and I didn't crave more.

However when at brunch (bottomless bellinis for one hour) myself and my 7 friends were drinking super fast to get our money's worth. I then drank rum and cokes all night, woke up on Sunday unbelievably hungover and hit the vodka and cokes just to neutralize the horrible hungover feeling. That didn't stop until last night.

I feel like I'm not going to be able to quit entirely and that's the problem. I want to 'get things under control' but maybe I have to eliminate the issue entirely.

NerfThis

That's really great and congrats on quitting! My husband is an incredible man hence the crushing guilt when I let him down by just drinking during these crazy extended weekends. Also the fact he doesn't acknowledge it as a big enough problem to quit entirely kind of makes ME think it's not a big enough problem to quit entirely. That's why I ended up on this forum where people outside of the situation can advise me that it really is serious (even if it's scary to hear that!)

ProfessorD

The other thing I wanted to add is that I think for a lot of us who identify as "high-functioning," knowing when to stop can seem confusing. I was also someone who would work out every day, work in a very competitive and high-stress environment, win awards, etc., have a successful relationship, the whole thing...but alcoholism touches all kinds of people, in all walks of life. You don't have to hit some crazy rock bottom to start recovery. There are so many completely false and absurd images out there of what an alcoholic looks like or acts like. If you're anything like me, you are struggling to square your life with that negative and false stereotype and you're feeling confused. But an alcoholic is just someone who can't control their drinking. It sounds like that's you

I was listening to a podcast from the Bubble Hour which talked about how alcoholic women today are finding their "bottoms" in drinking much earlier these days because we are more educated and aware of addiction. That's good news! I hope you don't wait for this to spin out of control even further.

Sorry for this long post--like I said, I just really related to you

NerfThis

I agree. I LOVED all the progression I made with the gym and my art during January. But I also LOVE meeting my friends and having a drink. I'm already in trouble as a close friend's Birthday event at a bar is happening in ten days, so I'm worried all of this is going to happen again.

I'm going to keep this forum as something I look at every day. The problem is the guilt fading after a few days and I start thinking things are ok. If I keep actively looking here each day, it hopefully will stop me 'forgetting' the problem. I was also using an app to track my drinking last year. It helped me limit my intake, but obviously Christmas happened and the app stopped being used...

ProfessorD

omg, and one more thing haha: my husband ALSO said I didn't have a problem. He accidentally enabled my drinking for a long time simply because he's a normal drinker and my life wasn't visibly or obviously failing. But again, these are just assumptions we make about what an alcoholic is.

OK, sorry I am really being obnoxious and talking too much.

soberista

Hello. I think that because you have started a thread on a sober recovery forum well that would suggest you already know there is an issue. Thats a good thing. Perhaps suspend all the thinking and just take a few hours reading through some posts on here. If you see yourself then you will probably have found the answer. Xx

2ndhandrose

The door is always open at SR, 24/7

(I love this place ♥)

NerfThis

Yes, I clearly cannot always control my drinking even though I desperately wish I could! That sounds like an interesting podcast so I'll have a look for it.

One thing I forgot to mention which is a big problem is I just don't care about the problem while it's happening. I wake up either still a bit drunk or very hungover, I grab a drink, it makes me feel better and I don't feel guilty or worried about what it's doing to me. Once these benders are over, I go into a HUGE panic about the inability to control the drinking, the health issues it will cause if it goes on.

ProfessorD

I am nodding along to this too...drinking to get rid of the hangover=kicking the can down the road. Then it's the sinking feelings, a shame hangover even worse than the physical symptoms.

You have come to the right place!!!!! Give up this never-ending struggle.

NerfThis

I think that's the thing. He sees me drinking for days, but he doesn't do that, so I don't think he's registering how bad it is because he's just normal. He then sees me drawing loads of stuff, building my six pack and biceps in the gym, cooking and cleaning so I think the fact I'm capable of functioning a lot of the time makes him less worried. He can tell I'm worried now as he knows I've reached out here!