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New, scared, determined and still drinking

Old 11-02-2004, 02:05 PM
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lui
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New, scared, determined and still drinking

Yesterday, I told my counselor how much I drank, and she kindly and directly told me I was an alcoholic. I already knew this. She said we couldn't go on with any other issues until we had tackled this one. So, I told my husband of my talk, and my decisions, made an appt. to see my Dr. on Friday, did research on-line, and found this site. I'm a nurse, and also a researcher, so of course I go (obsessively) searching for resources. I found a list of local AA mtgs. THAT's scarier than anything!! To go public!! In my family, you're either an alcoholic, or you've married one (that's a multi-generation family joke)... So, the shame of being like my father, or facing another professional at a mtg (I have visions of this being spread around) is what scares me about mtgs. I know, that's why they're there-but what if they tell people they saw me??
So, last night, I took 2 sleeping pills instead of one, had only 2 glasses of wine. I'm scared of withdrawal symptoms, getting sick, etc. I have 2 teenage daughters, and need to be "present". Plus, next week my husband and I are going away for anniversary, and we ALWAYS bring and buy and drink when on vacation (not like it's different than any other day LOL).
Anyone have any wise words? My hands are shaking as I write this-more from anxiety, I think...
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Old 11-02-2004, 02:36 PM
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Me too. I have no wise words. I can commiserate. Lately I have been writing on a daily basis in my journal -- I'm tired of going to bed drunk every night. I'm tired of waking up with a hangover every morning. I'm tired of being a drunk. I want to quit -- yet the thought terrifies me. I used to be concerned because I would drink three glasses of wine per night. Now, I am drinking a bottle of wine per day.

Alcoholism also runs in my family. My husband has just started going to AA. He is presently in another city with a new job. I plan to go down there after Thanksgiving. I look on his AA attendance with mixed views. On one hand, it will be easier to go in a new town than in a town I have lived for 27 years. On the other hand -- I have to quit.

I also have been a professional in a helping field -- social services. I also am a researcher. That's how I found this sight.

I can't help you. But perhaps we can help one another.
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Old 11-02-2004, 02:47 PM
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Lui

My heart goes out to you. It appears that you have a supportive husband; the mere fact that you confided in him. If that's the case, lucky you. I understand your shame. I, too am a child of an alcoholic father, and although he passed away in 2000, the shame continues to live inside of me. I'm starting to realize now that this is not my fault. What I would take responsibility for, however, is having the knowledge that I am an alcoholic, but continuing to stick my head in the sand. I did that for some time before finally surrendering. Surrender gives you peace. I wish that I could have told people that my Dad was a recovering alcoholic, as my kids can now tell their friends. I weighed out the pros and cons of letting others know about my disease, and I decided that any job, or friendship or family member that I lost because I had the courage to make positive changes in my life didn't belong in my life to begin with. Try not allow the anxiety of the "what ifs" get to you. One day at a time.

Good luck to you. I've only been on this board for a short time, but long enough to know that there's tons of support here. The kindness of strangers can be an awesome thing. Hang in there, you're worth it.
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Old 11-02-2004, 03:03 PM
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Lui and Cactuslady,

I would like to start by welcoming you to one of the greatest places I've come accross. The people here are so supportive of each other. We help each other through the rough times, and celebrate through the good. As far as worrying about someone saying they saw you at a meeting, they would be telling on themselves as well. For them to know that you were there, they have to be there. I wouldn't be too worried.

I would also like to mention that we have AA meetings right here. The times are posted in the forum. Stick around and get to know us. Tell us how we can help.

Sherry
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Old 11-02-2004, 03:04 PM
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lui,

I also have no real words of wisdom. All I can do is let you know that you're not going through this alone.

Yes, the idea of going to AA is scary. Even after I had decided that enough was enough, and decided to attend, it still took one more drunken disaster just to work up the nerve to even pick up the phone and find out where the meetings are. Even that small step felt like I was admitting something that I didn't want to admit to. But I went to my first one last night, and it turned out to be a great experience. I didn't participate, and didn't go into depth in any conversations afterwards, yet I walked out the door with something that I haven't had for a very long time now. Hope for the future. A light at the end of the tunnel. Now I'm actually looking forward to my meeting tonight! Can you imagine that? I sure couldn't have a week ago.

That's about all I can say at the moment, but I hope that it's helpful, at least in some small way, to somebody.

Good luck to you, lui. I'm right there beside you!
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Old 11-02-2004, 05:06 PM
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Welcome lui and cactuslady!

Please don't fear the AA meeting as outing you, think of it as a family or fellowship of people just like you with the same fears of being outed when they walked in. I've been where your at and had to do something. I couldn't continue and they were there to assure me I wasn't alone, my secret was safe, and they would give me the tools to remain sober. It's worth that fear walking in those doors, as you will find a new "home and family", who truly understand and will help. Lui make this the first anniversary sober, you'll have a greater appreciation of it if you don't pick up that first drink. Cactus, I get that too! Gosh those hangovers and feeling of fear of sobriety, it's what took me so long too. We'll be here to help and offer support and we have online meetings here if you'd like to get your feet wet. One in about an hour and half.
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Old 11-02-2004, 06:05 PM
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Thank you -Cactuslady
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Old 11-02-2004, 11:53 PM
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lui
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OK, I've written note after note of grateful words, for providing a supportive, safe place to go, to write to. Then, I erase, cause it all sounds so...simple. I'm just not sure how I'm going to do this. I've set all this in motion, and now I have to actually DO THIS? Scared, scared, scared (and still drinking). I have an appt. to see my doctor on Friday, so I figure I'll wait for her help (and meds, if necessary). I SO mMMMMMMuch appreciate the responses I've gotten from ya'll. All that being said, I'm still drinking at night, alone, and justifying it by telling myself I'll deal with it after I see my MD, or after I get back from vacation. I told my husband I was concerned that my "withdrawals" would really compromise the "fun" (read:drinking) during vacation, that he'd spend the vacation worried about me, and self-concious about his own drinking, and he looked at me and asked "What would Lisa (therapist) say to that?". I told him that he's a wise man...I think she'd say it was another excuse to the wine God (you know, the 10-foot tall bottle in the room with me?). I'm sooo anxious about all this. Any ideas? I don't want to spend the vacation drooling on the sheets under the influence of Ativan/Lithium, etc. while he tries to entertain himself on our anniversary trip. I think we should just drink as per usual, then I'll deal with it when I get back. Of course, then, I have real life, with real teenage daughters, etc....What is the best way??

Last edited by lui; 11-03-2004 at 01:44 AM.
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Old 11-03-2004, 03:09 AM
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lui,

There is nothing to be ashamed about being a recovering alcoholic. You have a problem, you are working to fix it, end of story. What other people may or may not think about this is not important, but my experience is that more people are impressed and even inspired than are judgemental. Plus, the real truth is that most people will never know. It's not like you will be walking around with a big letter "A" stitched to your clothing. I went through the same fears when I started.

I know it is hard to believe this right now, but you are starting the number one, most important thing you could possibly do to make your life better. You will be totally surprised by the positive changes that will occur in your life as a result of this decision.
In this life, in this life, in this life
In this oh sweet life
We're coming in from the cold
We're coming in, coming in, coming in
Coming in from the cold

It's you, it's you, it's you I'm talking to
Well you, it's you, it's you
It's you I'm talking to now
Why do you look so sad and foresaken
When one door is closed
Don't you know another is open

Bob Marley, "Coming in From the Cold"
I wish you all the hope and all the strength you'll need. Stick around SR, there are some of the best people here.

Jah Bless
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