Kellyhigh5

Hi people. Im new to this so plz bare with me. I found out my husbund was alcoholic just under 3 yrs ago. He came out of residential treatment in december and while he was in there he was amazing. All these promises he made about how he was a new man and that things were going to be different when he came home and he was showering me with all this love when i went to visit him it was like having the man id fallen in love with back before the alcoholism ot him. It was amazing!! Anyway from the 1st weekend of him returning home things just wasnt the same it has been the hardest thing to go through its like this steel wall has come up he cant give me any love or affection and when i try talking to him about it he just replies with "i cant focus on your feelings i need to work on my own recovery" it hurts like hell!!!

Anyway he goes to daycare now everyday and goes to meetings and has even moved to a recovery house in a different town to be near his peers so he can work on himself and his programme and i cant help be feel so jealous.
Dont get me wrong im so proud of him i really am and i know he needs to do this but im so lost. I have been his rock and his carer and been through all this with him and now i just feel like im on sidelines begging for the love and attention he can so easily give to his peers!!
I have all these things going round my head that he is going to realise he doesnt love me anymore while hes away or that hes going to get close to someone there and develope feeling for someone while hes away and its killing me. My confidence is just non existant
Im breaking inside and i just want this jealous awful feeling that ive lost him to go away😟
Is it normal to feel like this???
Plz help x

grayghost1965

You're going through your own sort of withdrawal....you've poured so much into HIM, that you've likely forgotten to take care of YOU. Now he has found what he needs to do for himself, and you resent it and are hurt by it.

Breakups frequently happen after sobriety, because one or both have had their lives change so dramatically and then find that they aren't right for each other (marriage counseling can help, but sometimes it's just over).

I'm not saying this will happen; I know neither of you nor do I know the whole history/situation. Just be aware that it's a possibility and start taking care of YOU.

BlownOne

The concept idea of balance and moderation is generally lost on alcoholics and addicts. Even in early recovery. Sometimes a newly sober person will leap into recovery with everything they have and in the process neglect home life and relationships because they are so consumed by the desire to recover. They've discovered a new life and focus on it so much that they forget that they need to attend and maintain the existing as well. Use this time to take care of yourself. Hopefully in time he will learn that balance in everything is the hallmark of real recovery, IMHO anyway. Best wishes to you.

Kellyhigh5

Thanks for your reply. Ive spent so long just looking after my little ones and ah i dont know where to begin on taking care of me. Ive got a 3 yr old dd and all my energy and time goes on her.
Ive been told to start working on myself i just dont know how!!
How pathetic am i??? X

grayghost1965

Simple stuff for starters....make sure you're eating right. Once the young ones are down for the night, watch a movie you like or any kind of activity you enjoy that you haven't had time for. Get on here and read/post. Exercise if that's your thing. Hope that helps

BlownOne

You're not pathetic. You're just a busy adult with responsibilities. In a perfect world your husband would be an able partner with you in this, but he's not there yet. Know your limitations and when you need to reach out for help for some alone or "me" time. As demanding as children are, try not to forget about talking care of yourself thru this time. Something as simple as taking a hot bath or reading a little bit. Some quiet time if you can get some help with the kids..remember, you won't do them any good if you're not healthy yourself. Maybe visit your local library and look for some books on recovery, or find a friend to go for a walk with. Anything you can do to focus on yourself just a little bit.

Dee74

Hi and welcoem Kellyhigh

I haven't been in this situation myself but it's fairly common for one partner to feel a little lost when the other partner is working so hard on their recovery.

You'll find a lot of support & understanding tho, both here in this forum and in our Friends and Family forums too

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

D