Numblady

Help! I'm 32 days in. I've been feeling good overall about not drinking so far but resolve is weakening some. I committed to at least a hundred days. I am stubborn and allergic to failure so I will make it through those hundred days but I don't want to white knuckle it. I want to remember all the great reasons I am doing what I am doing and how to get through the tough moments. But it's really tough with 2 energetic kids and a brutal job. I think I am stealing this from one of the many books/memoirs I have read but wine was how I knew my shift was over and I could finally relax. I was finally doing something for myself (yes I'm sure that is twisted logic but hear me out). I have an extremely intense job. Without revealing what I do I'll just say it's high profile (lots of media involvement; tragedy; high volume; political; you name it). I am at the executive level and I oversee a fairly large division (approx. 150 people). I feel like my days are like that scene in Airplane with the air traffic controller who is barking answers/orders/decision and troubleshooting. But it's my every day, pretty much all day. People come in and out of my office like they are on a turnstile and a lot of what I do is just listen to people and their inter-personal disputes. Not in an inefficient way but it's just that I find that despite being an adult out in the working world a lot of other people even in a professional setting spend more time focused on themselves and their needs than serving the customers and being the best that they can. I problem solve. I make decisions. I triage. And I work a lot. I am here at the office now scared to even be on this url on work servers but doing it anyway as I grow increasingly desperate.

Then I go home and I am with my family. They are great but my kids are very high energy. It's natural; they are kids. They fight a lot. They wage epic battles on everything from limiting screen time to putting on their shoes to going to bed (and I'm sure there are some of you who are awesome parents and you've done this or that and your kids listen perfectly but hearing that just makes me feel worse so maybe leave that part out if you respond and don't mind indulging me). And while I fully admit this is an oxymoronic term, an impossibility really, my husband is a high functioning alcoholic. So not only is there booze in the house but he is drinking it. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I am not at a point where I am ready to ask him to stop drinking (he won't). I am also not at a point where I want to leave my marriage. So I'm focusing on my triggers, the conditions in my life that I need to deal with, etc. And really, the things that make me want to drink are less the fact that he is drinking and more that I just want to be done with my day. I just want to be off. I just want to do what I want to do. But every moment just about needs to be spent in some productive endeavor. At this very moment I should be working. If I have "free" time and energy I spend it hanging out with my kids or working. If I have "free" time and no energy all I can do are passive activities--reading on the Kindle or sleeping. I want to be more active here. I want to write a journal. I want to go to a meeting or just go hang out with friends in a healthy way. Maybe make some sober friends. I guess on the plus side I do have a pretty strong physical fitness regimen. I make time for that. I guess I just wish I had more options in terms of how I spend my time.

And then again I think who am I to complain about my healthy kids and my six figure desk job when there are people who are literally and figuratively being crushed working in factories, people who are struggling to feed and give medicine to their families, people who are running huge businesses or countries, and they don't need to turn it off with booze. Why should I? This type of entitled thinking is part of how I ended up here. This whole " oh woe is me my life is so tiring I need a little wine to take the edge off". It's probably a sign of the privilege of my life that I'm even on here. But I am on here. And I am hoping that you all have some great tips for quickly shifting your focus or energy. What do you think about? I'm trying to remember all the sober people I admire. That helps some. What else? Thanks in advance. Sorry this is long. I'm so rarely at a keyboard I save up my words.

Berrybean

How about a gratitude list - that doesn't need to take too long.

At 30 days for me the anxiety was really starting to ramp up (although I kind of didn't realise that at the time, I just felt rattley and had washing machine head and was restless, irritable and discontent - the natural state of a white-knuckling alcoholic, as I was to find out further along the line.)

AA really helped me.

BB

wayforward

You're a good writer, you have a good head on your shoulders. I feel like journaling would really serve you well. As far as your husband goes, maybe you can think of some kind of alternative arrangements in terms of what is seen/done in front of you so that you are more accommodated. If having healthier relationships with people is something you want, if meetings are something you want, why not go after those things? Some things may need to be re-arranged and effort put forth, but time can surely be made.

Whatever stresses you are experiencing, be sure that however you are approaching them, even in sobriety, is not the only way you can approach them. You can always make little adjustments, make efforts to see things in a new light, try to throw curve balls into your work and home life.

Good luck and keep at it!

DarklingSong

I could relate to a lot of your post Numblady. I have a highly stressful (but rewarding) job. Drinking let me lose control for a short while. Just for a few hours I could think only of me and not be the responsible one. One of the reasons I have gone back drinking after being sober for a while is that I cannot stand a minute more of being the one in control. I 'deserve' that time. The more I have thought about this the more I realise its an excuse- I mean I am an adult- is this the only way I can handle my life?

I am still trying to find ways of dealing with stress better; ways that don't leave me feeling wretched and ashamed. I haven't found any quick fixes. Often I am just too tired to do things that would surely help.

Recently I have started to think the unthinkable. If I cannot work and live this way without turning to drinking, maybe I need to consider if my job is actually worth it. I mean what is the point of a 'wonderful' job if I snap at my child, miss school events and get wasted the only free time I have?

I hope you will keep posting on SR, it is a great place for support if you want to stay sober. I am sure some of the experienced members will be able to offer you good advice.

Best wishes.

J50

I also work in a similar type high stress job and used wine as my escape. For me, it has come down to being comfortable with being uncomfortable as the sober days rack up. (I have 80+, haven't been counting). The first 30-60 were brutal, but I am much more at ease and can see how the wine didn't help. It held me back from being my best self and robbed me of my confidence and self worth. Without the booze, my workouts and nutrition have been better, and my wife told me that I have been more present. I can now see the benefits of life without booze, which I couldn't see before. Read here everyday and post. Slowly, you will see a mindshift change if you stop drinking.

Numblady

This was just what I needed! Thanks and keep it coming. (I tried to edit my original post to tell people they could scroll to the end because really my main plea is just for most effective quick strategies to refocus but I guess you can only edit replies but not original posts? Also totally off topic but does anyone know how I find the class of January 2018? I'll keep looking. I haven't looked very hard yet).

Berrybean: what you are saying about early recovery really makes sense. Also I started a gratitude list on my phone under "notes" so I can always look at and add to it (including "not being dead" that's a good one )

Wayforward: i think you're right that some rearranging would be in order (and lack thereof could be an excuse of sorts). At some point there are only so many hours in the day but still. It could probably be done at least in some measure.

Darklingsong: I think we are on very similar paths -- and if I am honest with myself (I mean I am and I am not; isn't it odd how there are layers of honesty?), then I am asking the very same question about my job. It takes so much of my humanity. I have it in my head I need to stick it out for a certain amount of time for long term career path. But I'm starting to think I need to open myself up to at least the possibility of shifting gears sooner rather than later. Before I even saw your post I had been poking around job sites. Nothing yet but I'm with you on wondering.

J50: I really like what you are saying about being our best selves. I could maybe still be okay (for a while) but I would be limited by my fixation/obsession on getting back to the box of Chardonnay for a refill.

Like I said thanks and keep it coming. Apologies in advance if I can't back for individual thanks, though I probably will. It means so much to me.

VikingGF

Hi, Numblady-

Checking out so you can clear your head is completely an oxymoron if you put alcohol in the mix. There is no true relaxation, there is absence, regret, emptiness, zero. You're not a mom, you're not a wife, you're not a an executive, you're zero as soon as the alcohol goes in and makes your brain not work, not remember, and makes you not participate. When we arrive at the place were we HAVE to quit because we are losing our authentic selves, it means when we drink we become someone else- that's not relaxation, that's akin to disappearing.

Life is hard. Alcohol makes it HARDER, not easier. The issues you drink to make go away don't go away. They become bigger and after awhile, they swallow you whole. (This thought alone was enough to re-focus me, over and over and over. )

That's why you stopped drinking. That's why you can't drink today.

Don't drink. Don't believe the lies your AV is telling you, but rather listen to your SR friends.

You got this.

Congrats on your well-earned sober time.

Dee74

I was a hard worker - still am - but I realise now the need for balance - down time is not a luxury - it's a necessity.

I found I was doing a lot of things that weren't really my job to do - but I was thinking 'I may as well do it and save time', 'avoid the arguments, I'll just do it', or 'no one else knows what to do as well as I do so I'll do it'

I resigned as general manager of the universe .

I had to step away from the things that weren't mine to do.

I learned to delegate too - and then I learned not to feel guilty or selfish about that

That freed up a lot of time.

I also had to learn to switch off without falling into oblivion.

Exercise helped, as did varying my routines and setting aside at least a little time per day for me.

There are some good ideas here too:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...44-stress.html (Stress)

And finally - the AV is screaming not because it's worried about you, but because it sees something it hopes to exploit to get what it wants.

Ignore it

D

PalmerSage

Hi numblady, come back and join us in the January class! https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-3-a-22.html (Class of January Support Thread 2018 Part 3)

I can totally relate to so much of what you've posted, the "if-you-had-my-problems-you-would-drink-too" line of thinking. At least for me, I drink 1) because I'm an alcoholic, and 2) I think (thought?) that it helps me to better cope with my reality. I'm finally coming to the realization that drinking, at least the way I did it, made everything harder, more stressful, more anxiety-inducing, etc. Plus, the hours I was drinking were totally non-productive, so I actually have more time now, not less.

Numblady

I keep hoping I'll have time to post something more thorough. Alas. Got kid begging for me to lay with them as we speak. Just wanted to thank VikingGF for the dose of reality and Palmer Sage for the link and following up with a PM and especially Dee74 because he is seeing right through to the real truth. I take on too much and it's hard for me to be honest with people, including my staff, when they are not doing what I need them to do. So very often I do it for them. My job is still unmanageable in many ways just because of the scope of the responsibility but I need to get better about being honest and having more tough conversations (trust me; I still have some--guess I just need more!). Thank you all so much. With your collective words of wisdom we hosted our couple/drinking friends and I had a (sober) blast while everyone imbibed. I woke up early; went to work for a while; then rode my bike for 30 miles. Then napped and worked in the yard. Will be passing out (the natural way) very soon!

Dee74

Its hard to change but it does get easier numblady

D