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Old 02-02-2018, 08:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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41M, Diagnosis


Hello-
It's been a few years since I've posted here. I went through outpatient recovery about 5 years ago. That lasted for all of 6 months when the "fall" beers came out and all of my friends were going out socially. When I quit drinking I started dipping. Now I drink AND dip. Super! Since then, I've lost 1 job b/c of my addiction to alcohol. A high paying job. And by the grace of God, I'm back on my feet in a similar type of job and pay. But have continued to repeat past mistakes. Dad died 5 years ago, and I started on a 2 bottle wine night kick. Then started buying boxed wine, got up to nearly knocking that off every night which is 4 bottles. Still highly functional and a top performer at work until symptoms started kicking in. After 2 years of fighting it, I saw a doctor the last 2 weeks and had blood tests. I'm 41. M. Blood tests came back with only slightly abnormal liver. Ultrasound confirmed fatty liver. Met with Dr. today. I was 280 about 7 months ago, now 240. But weight loss wasn't due to diet or exercise. Malnutrition and dehydration. Doc said it is reversible only by me. Exercise, eating right, knocking down and eventually of the sauce. I drink out of habit and depression and they put me on Prozac for that and hoping that will help. I decided to jump on here again b/c I never liked AA. I can hide here, but also get good feedback and thoughts. I know I'm not alone. I just went through a 2nd divorce and a move for a job so I have little outlets other than TV and my normal habits (by choice). I told the doc that I will start fresh Monday after the Super Bowl (and I'm not having 1 last bender), but she said set a date and stick to it so that's what I chose. I've had a friend die of drunk driving and a Dad very successful who left this life too early b/c of past sins of drinking. I know that God is giving me a second and probably last chance to pull my **** together. Doc said do it little by little so I'm not overwhelmed. I used to be an athlete (have run 3 marathons and 1 half) so I love running or used to. I don't know why I logged in tonight. Re-found my username and reset my password, etc. I get e-mails still from the site even though I got them, I deleted them instantly. It reminds me of a part of me I don't want to know. Well, now, it's GO time. I am in the process of obtaining an addiction psychiatrist and a psychologist. I know I can't do this without reinforcements this time. I have a lot of life to live and have a good and genuine spirit and I want to continue to share that with my family, friends, and co-workers. So on Monday, do me a favor? Please say a small prayer for me that I can start righting this ship. I'm an open book so all the best to you. Even being on here on a Friday night, and having a drink, I know I'm not alone. Open to commentary/feedback or questions. Thanks for listening.

CEO
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Old 02-02-2018, 09:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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CEO - Iím glad youíre back. You will be in my prayers Monday morning, but also tonight. Youíve done this before and you can do it again!
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Old 02-02-2018, 10:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Use your username as inspiration. Put the bottle down and share with us the joys of sobriety
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Old 02-02-2018, 10:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome back CEOofme

I'm gonna be the guy who says it - because I want to put you on the spot but because I convinced myself to put off not drinking anymore for years.

I understand you're gonna do whatever you gonna do, but if you want a better life, and especially if you believe God is giving you a second chance...why are you waiting til Monday?

D
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Old 02-02-2018, 11:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome back! I'm going to second Dee, and say why not start now. Just think how much bette Monday morning will be after two days sober.
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Sobriety Date: January 1, 2016
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Old 02-03-2018, 12:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm with Dee on this one, too.

Why wait? Is drinking to oblivion still so much fun that you want to destroy yet one more weekend with it?
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Old 02-03-2018, 02:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome back, CEO. I am praying for you now, not waiting till Monday --I hope you find strength, peace and happiness on your sober journey.
Perhaps you could look into volunteering as a fulfilling outlet? I found that getting out of my own head and helping others helped me as well. Wishing you all the best-you can do this!
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Old 02-03-2018, 03:31 AM   #8 (permalink)
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All the best, CEO. Sorry to be repetitive but if you wait til Monday, what's to say that won't get pushed back to Tuesday, then Wednesday etc etc. The more we drink the more we're feeding the addiction. Keep posting here. Welcome back. 😊
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Old 02-03-2018, 04:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Ceo,

Quitting has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I know that since I was able to quit past the physical addiction, I can keep going.

But, I suffer a bit, still today, for little while here and there.

Addiction is insane because I know booze just about killed me so many times, but yet I crave it.

The drunk feeling is fleeting, but part of my brain wants it so bad. Another part says no it makes you a sad piece of pathetic doodoo.

I believe that is the nature of any addiction. The internal struggle.

I have been trying to get back into my old gym for that last month. I was injured and have since healed up better than before.

Part of me wants to go, another part of me want to stay injury free. Same thing.

It is about being ready to suffer. I am med free minus bp meds which generally cause depression, and just 2 otc vitamins which I believe give me a normal days supply.

If I didn't have a job where we can't take depression etc meds, I am sure I would be on something else.

Basically, for me to stay quit I suffer. I sit and suffer in silence. The suffering is rewarding because I have the energy and mental capacity to handle stress better than I have had in 30 years.

I haven't had a horrible cold since quitting. I get a little sick sometimes, but nothing like before. Booze sapped my immune system.

At work, I make better decisions and have less regret or obsessions later. The obsession issue plagued me for my life time and now it is really beginning to go away. It is liberating being able to decide to not worry about some issue and actually being able to do it.

Thanks.
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When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system compromise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 02-03-2018, 06:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Yep, I'm on the start NOW group. It's Sat am - good time to be done.

And....maybe try IRL support? While I kinda like your username...I'mma be direct and say that, for me, resigning as CEO of my life and accepting that I could not drink or be in charge with any of MY ideas and plans for my life had to go.

Hope to see you around and sober with us.
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Old 02-03-2018, 06:52 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome back.

I agree with the others, why wait until Monday to stop drinking?

And a little off topic. I don't usually read posts that are just one massive paragraph. Use the space bar on your computer a little more frequently
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Old 02-03-2018, 06:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Well, now, it's GO time.

I will start fresh Monday after the Super Bowl

simple question:
do you want to live or do you want to die?
if you want to live start today.
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Old 02-03-2018, 07:08 AM   #13 (permalink)
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There will always be a "I will quit after ....." Excuse". You just outlined very clearly how alcohol is slowly killing you. Why give it anymore time? It's just giving you an excuse to not fully commit. It's the hold that addiction puts on us. We know how bad it is but the AV keeps whispering, "it's not that bad, quit tomorrow, let's have fun today ". But tomorrow never comes. Rip the band aid off TODAY.
Rooting for you CEO.
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Old 02-03-2018, 07:26 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Rooting for you too. Whether itís today or Monday. I understand the mentality of wanting to set a date a little in the future. Speaking practically though can you take time off work for detoxing if you feel bad? You may not need it but taking part of the weekend by starting today may help you with next week. Just putting myself in your spot as best I can.

It also sounds like there are other parts of you you may like to discover or return to but arenít sure about it yet. Outlets besides tv (maybe even IRL outlets with other people). Physical fitness. That sort of thing. Please keep coming back to SR if nothing else. Everyone will be on your side when temptation sets in. All these people versus AV. The odds are much better! Best of all things to you.

Last edited by Numblady; 02-03-2018 at 07:28 AM. Reason: Omitted a thought
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Old 02-03-2018, 06:27 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thank you

To all of you that shared your thoughts, I really appreciate it.
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