noturningback2

hi guys, nice to see so many of you doing so well. I needed to come here as I need a bit of a rant. I'm still sober and still loving it, 6 months now and counting!! I'm just feeling so blah..... you know?

I'm not well at the moment which isn't helping, had a really heavy cold which has knocked me out and left me feeling really touchy and extra emotional. But I am struggling a little bit with my husband, who is giving up smoking. I'm being supportive, I am not criticising, I'm not pointing out when he gives in to cravings as him pointing out my failings never helped me (he is 'cutting down' before quitting). Personally I don't think is the right way, but my mouth is staying zipped on that. I listen to him when he needs to let off steam etc... What I am finding hard, is that when I try and offer support and explain I know how he feels and can emphathise, I'm shut down and told ' its not the same, you weren't THIS addicted, you don't understand how hard this is'. Like my issue with alcohol which was causing me and our family so much pain and all the arguments that he would not tolerate anymore (quite rightly), now all of a sudden is belittled, which makes it feel the work it took for me to quit cold turkey and stay quit was/is trivial, and my experience and thoughts on addiction dont matter and I don't know what I am talking about.

I'm not sure I am describing it right, its just kinda hurtful. I know I'm sensitive at the moment and he is just probably lashing out with frustration. But seems unfair all of a sudden our big elephant in the room with my drinking for a couple of years, is now more like a little water mark on the coffee table lol, know what I mean?! I just don't think you get the right to treat people ****** because you are finding something hard, especially people trying to be supportive. I'm not patronising him I just offer advice when he is having a hard time, like to find a distraction, change habits and create new routines that don't revolve around going out for a smoke. Sound advice right?! When I was quitting I was grateful for it, everyones journey is different I know, just.... blah!!!

Secondly, I'm having a real hard time sleeping, and I'm finding that is leaving me to lie in bed going over every wrong thing I ever did whilst drinking and curling up in shame. I'm trying to think of 3 positive things that's happening now, every time 1 negative memory pops in my head. It helps somewhat, is there anyone else with anything they did to help when their brain did this horrible trick on them?!

Sorry for the long rant, just you know, not everyone in my life knows I was an alcoholic, so not easy to explain how I am feeling and why. thanks

petals

I can empathise with what you are saying and am sending you hugs.xx
Sorry but I'm pretty low myself right now and have no advice to offer... but I can really relate to what you are saying.x
Hopefully someone will be along soon with some help.x

noturningback2

thanks, i hope you start to pick yourself up again soon and feel better.I do understand after being on here this morning and reading through several posts, this is such a trivial thing. I am so so grateful to be at the point where I am worrying about trivial things like this, as I had much larger problems to worry about over the many years when I was drinking. That in itself should be a positive spin on it.

Vinificent

Congratulations on 6 months - that's quite an accomplishment in and of itself, amazing while supporting a spouse who is also dealing with an addiction. The one thing that your post screamed to me was space space space - it really sounds like you and your hubby need to take a break if you are around for every cigarette and he is there for every moment of not sleeping. Not suggesting you move away from each other but is there a way you can each designate some space in your home that is yours alone that you can each work through your recovery the way that works best for You?
Personally I cannot be home with my spouse in the hours immediately after work - it is a huge trigger for me. So I go to meetings, to the gym, insert any activity here...you get the picture. Give yourself some recovery space and allow him that as well. What works for him might not work for you and vice versa, so don't let his methods trigger you.
As for not sleeping - I really had to focus on this too and had to get a prescription. I am weaning off of it now. Sleep is important to recovery so don't be afraid to get help with that.

D122y

Not,

It has taken the better part of 3 years to heal to a better place for me.

I still experience feelings that remind me of the drunk times.

I have had a lingering sickness for a couple of weeks. It gets better, then comes back.

Has lot to do with stress and sleep I think. I never got real sick, but just feel tired.

My wife was harassing me and my son yesterday. She made dinner to get us all together, then pissed us off.

Long story. She is suffering withsome issues, so we all suffer.

I went to bed early to get a way... as did my son.

Of course I didn't drink. That is the main thing.

Big time trigger back in the day.

I sleep when I can now. I never sleep 8 hours. At best 7 or so.

Usually it is about 6. I nap when i can.

Have taken sleep aids a couplof times....they claim to be non habit forming....I don't like the after effects.

I bought a white noise machine, black out curtains, and a new adjustable memory foam mattress. They all help.

Sleep is huge when it comes to mental healing. All of us ex drunk are pretty mentally damaged.

I fight for my sleep.

Thanks.

Rar

I, too, can empathize with you. Years ago my husband and I tried to quit smoking together many times. My husband became short tempered, critical and at times downright nasty. Naturally, that didn't work well with my already fragile state and I frequently relapsed, as did he. I saw a cartoon at that time which depicted the wife shoving a cigarette into her husband's mouth, saying, "Smoke you SOB, smoke!" Eventually I quit by myself and didn't tell him I was doing so. It was several days before he noticed. He quit several months later. I've been smoke free for almost 7 years. Now I'm quitting alcohol and my husband is still drinking heavily. I'm hoping he ultimately decides to quit or at least cut down. By that time, I'm hoping to have enough sober time to where any bad moods of his won't bother me. As Vinificent said, "Don't let that trigger you." Hang in there.

Eaglelizard

Hi NTB, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. While I'm not an expert on quitting smoking, I do know that about 10% of the people in this world seem to have a really hard time taking any advice at all, on anything. They hear it and maybe 2 days later, will process it, but at the time of receipt they will generally just be unpleasant. Dispense advice accordingly, I guess. On the insomnia and negative thoughts, I hear you: for me, it took doing some new, constructive things for me to "obsess" about before the negative, guilty feelings were crowded out. I think it's just a matter of time before we can move on from those negative feelings.

Gottalife

I gave up smoking many years after the booze and had a dreadful time. It was quite different the the booze, the cravings went on a long time and were tremendously powerful. Then I went into a depression, my doctor called it, for three years, which I didn't connect to the smoking until I met someone else who went through the same thing. One weekend we went to another city to stay in a posh hotel and have a good clear break from smoking. We booked on the top floor as far away from cigareetes as I could get. The weather was terrible. By midnight I was climbing the walls, left the hotel and walked around town is the awful weather until I found a service station and bought a pack of cigs. I had one and it relieved the craving, almost opposite to the booze. Then I threw the packet away and went back to the hotel.

I had that sleep problem you describe in early sobriety too. It was strange, I could have a good day, not drink, do what I was supposed to, got to a meeting, make it to bed sober, close my eyes, and then all the skeletons would come out of the closet and dance. It was like they were jumping up and down on my stomach, and I would toss and trun all night. Those memories were a part of my past that had to be dealt with, or they would eventually have taken me back to drink.

I didn't know this was going to happen but I was sincerely working the AA program and when I got to step five - 'Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs" I was amazed at the result. Never had any trouble sleeping since I took that step, and the main reason I took it was that the book said I may not overcome drinking otherwise.

From that point on I was completley convinced I was on the right track with AA, and so it proved to be.

noturningback2

thanks all. luckily i am not triggered into drinking. That is a hell that is in my past and absolutely staying there. I gave up drinking quietly without too much drama as i wanted my actions to count, rather than my words. I had said flippantly i would quit a million times and failed, i didn't want to make a big fuss and then mess up again, that was 6 months ago and i feel the best i ever have.

In regards to space, that's a good point! he has started working a job that's a little further away and wont be back until later in the evening, and by that time i am settled infront of tv, so by time he sits down its near 9pm, so maybe that space in the evening will work well for us for a while whilst he is struggling. His main smoking times are from 5pm with his coffee when he gets in and after dinner etc at about 8pm, so it misses that period out entirely.

Sleep wise i normally am ok, i had to relearn how to sleep without the booze making me pass out almost every night. But i overcame that, its just the dark thoughts at night that come back to haunt me. I did see a therapist to deal with anxiety before as alcohol caused huge anxiety issues for me, and wondering if maybe this is my anxiety rearing its ugly head again and perhaps a few sessions may be of benefit. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, perhaps its worth discussing

tomls

Sorry that you are not feeling so well. I understand how you feel. I also understand how your other half feels. I know when I quit smoking and drinking, suggestions from my wife on how to deal with what I was going through did not help and I had to bite my tongue or sometimes I would say the wrong thing in response out of rage. And I am usually very passive. I had to learn that she meant well and it really didn't matter and if I waited a couple of minutes it would pass and everything was fine. I had to learn that no one can feel what you are feeling. There's no way they can understand because they are not you. Sometimes they may say things that seem really hurtful to you but aren't meant that way. I know that the more time passed the easier it got. I hope that made sense. I know I was pretty sensitive for a while and it went both ways. Best wishes for you on your journey.

soberandhonest

Good morning NTB2! I would second the idea that you just give your husband space. It's pure speculation to try to get into his mind, but my guess is that his perception is that you had a pretty easy time giving up booze and, as he is struggling mightily to break his own addiction, he feels a bit of jealousy or anger that you made it seem so easy. Now, I know and you know that alcohol addiction is incredibly difficult to escape, but having an argument on that issue with your husband is not helpful to him or you. So, I would say just give him some space.

As for you, wow, just take time to realize what you have accomplished! You are free. At this point in time, while a relapse is always possible, you have broken free of those chains of addiction. You have accomplished something that many people are never able to do and, in doing so, you have opened up a whole new world for yourself. Imagine the opportunities that are available to you now that, after so many years, you have freed yourself of that anchor that was constantly dragging you down. These are the thoughts that I go to when I am feeling down. They help. And they are genuine. And true.

Good luck to you and your husband!

Dustitoffman

He is your husband and knows how to press your buttons as you do his.

He is sharp retort which is just exactly as you say to shut you straight down to get you to back off.

His intention will in no way have been to belittle the battle that you have had and succeeded with 6 months of sobriety.
In fact I'm sure he is somewhat intimidated by your success. He is the only one that can decide to do the same with smoking.

Be strong and continue with your achievement of 6 months sobriety and don't let anything play games with your AV be strong back off a bit and support him when he asks for it.
Less is more with this situation me thinks!

Best wishes, Dusty😎

Maudcat

6 months! How cool.
I think quitting anything can make us cranky and unreasonable, and I hear that quitting smoking is the worst!
Some say it’s even worse than quitting booze.
I too like the idea of space for both of you.
In my other house, I had a sewing room that was my haven.
Don’t have that in my current house.
It’s now a computer room/sewing room, and it’s not the same.
So, something like that, maybe?

noturningback2

i wish we did have space in our house, its a tiny little place! during the week he will be away a lot working, but weekends perhaps we need to have a little time to ourselves. I love to read and that's taken a back seat as ive binge watched Netflix for months now and a pile of books ive bought has stacked up. so perhaps that's something i can do, get back to taking a couple of hours to go sit in the bedroom and read whilst the kids are entertained elsewhere.

DreamCatcher17

Congrats on 6 months!!!! Yayaya

What I have found and was told by my BF is that he is intimidated by me now, because I was able to drop alcohol while he may still struggle with some vices, like smoking cigs (I stopped that too).

I try not to take his little jabs personal anymore as he is just deflecting his own **** onto me, which I try very hard to just ignore. It is happening less frequently now, probably because he sees, for the most part, I am not bothered by his antics!

noturningback2

i forget that i smoked too and i gave up a year or so ago, without any bother. I just didn't smoke another cigarette again but i wasn't addicted to nicotine, it was a social thing. Alcohol was a different ball game for me for a long while, but once i finally got it into my head i do not want to drink again, i just did it. Now, its normal to not drink. I guess maybe he sees that it was easy for me to quit smoking, now ive quit drinking, and for the most part i haven't moaned. i just got my head down and did the work on myself to get me here. I guess i can see that maybe he feels I'm perhaps 'judging' him or seeming superior, when I'm not. That's food for thought.

2ndhandrose

I had the same experience as Mike (gottalife), with depression, when I quit smoking 11 years ago.

My husband tried to quit last year and my "well meaning, helpful tips" were not well received Although, I didn't mean it that way, I think he viewed it as judgement and feeling superior, too.

If he makes another attempt, I will keep my thoughts to myself.

Addiction of any kind just sucks