LoveForMe

I'm playing with fire and I know it.

I had gone 203 days without drinking, after two years of trying to quit. Those were the worst two years of my life and I know I never want to go back there.

Okay, so the reason for my post... I have returned to drinking on four seperate occasions without any consequences or hangovers... no bad times. However... I also don't see how it had any positive effect... we all know it really never does anyway, even of it makes us think that way. But why do I still keep wanting to let it back in. I know I'm not a normal drinker and I don't have the desire to be one anyway. Or maybe I do and maybe that's the problem! Ugh.

Why, when I don't even want alcohol, is it still the thing that consumes my mind? Btw... this is how I know I STILL have a problem.

I'm just so over this😥

Hope everyone enjoys there day. Thanks for reading😊

entropy1964

But why do I still keep wanting to let it back in

I think the simplest answer to this is because you are an alcoholic. Trying to intellectualize and analyze the 'why' of my drinking usually leads me in circles. Sure, info is cool...some of the neuro-biology is interesting. But that info doesn't keep me sober. For me my addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. Period.

I have to tell myself everyday that I won't drink no matter what and I won't change my mind.

Anna

I think there is so much more to recovery than stopping drinking. 203 days of sobriety is fantastic and I know you can continue. One thing I would ask is what changes have you made in your life to support your recovery?

J50

My 2 cents...203 days is a long time on one hand and definitely deserves credit, but on the other hand is a small amount of time compared to how long you drank. In addition to the addictive nature of the alcohol there are years of patterns and routines built in, so the thought of not drinking or living without alcohol may be tough to grasp (which is where I'm at). You, however, can chalk the recent drinking experiences as reinforcement that you are doing the right thing by quitting. You saw that there was no benefit and aren't missing out on anything as it added no value.

thomas11

I had this conversation with myself a couple months ago. I reminded myself that I am still an alcoholic. Just because I don't drink doesn't change the reality. We must never forget. Thanks for the post. Great reminder.

LoveForMe

I've changed everything. Alcohol really has no part of my life at all. Except for my mom, she drinks still. Even though we sold our house and moved cities, I wasn't able to get away from her and her drinking...

I really feel done with alcohol... I just wished I could stop thinking about it in general😔... along with everything else it brought into my life.

Dee74

When we drink again, we awaken that AV/Best/Monkey/Lizard Brian part of us again, so even tho you've gone 203 days sober it's not that very long since your last drink...less than two weeks, yeah?

I used to think about drinking constantly, then I thought about not drinking constantly...finally I got to a new normal where thoughts of drinking were very rare, and fleeting.

We all change in recovery - but it takes a little time.

I'm confident you'll get there too so long as you do two things - stay clean and sober and keep building a sober life you love and don't want to give up

D

Dee74

Lizard Brain - altho I'm quite taken with the idea of Lizard Brian

You can do this LoveForMe

D

LoveForMe

Thank you guys for the replies.

And thank you Dee... I should be glad I'm not constantly thinking ABOUT DRINKING... I will gladly and patiently suffer through constantly thinking about NOT DRINKING, with hopes of never thinking about it at all.

LoveForMe

I definitely don't want to wake up my Lizard Brian again😉

Jumping back on the sober train... today is only day 6 but I'm ready!

August252015

Do you follow a program, like AA or another IRL support group? I am also unclear on whether the times you drank were during this 203 days?

Dee74

Thats the stuff LoveForMe

D

LoveForMe

I did not drink in those 203 days. I ended up drinking Christmas Eve and on three other occasions.

I am not following any programs. Honestly, this site is the one of my biggest support groups. I love you guys😊

I really do need to get back to talk therapy.

wayforward

The thing I've started to realize is that the mind can be awfully tricky and sometimes even downright self-sabotaging. The shadowy, subconscious part, I mean. You tell it you don't want something, and it tells you to want it more.

That's when you have to ask yourself, logically, what will pleasing that desire do for you? It's a drink and a buzz. You will get momentary pleasure at best, but at the risk of completely sabotaging your plans in life.

Speaking of which, maybe some new goals to keep you busy will help.