Needadvice777

Hi, this is my first time here and I'm looking for advice and support for my dh. We've been married for 10 years, known each other for 12. He was an alcoholic when we met. I just didn't know how bad as he hid it from me for a long time until we moved in together. I never saw him drink more than 6 beers when we were together as he would always only buy a 6 pack. Until we moved in together. Dh works construction and travels a lot for work, so when he was out of town I didn't know exactly how much he drank. He comes from a long line of alcoholics I found out later. He really drank then about 12-18 beers a night and now 20-24+ a night when he's home. When he works it's 12-14 a night or less depending on the type of job. Plus whiskey when he's mad or in pain. He has a trash bag that he puts beer cans in every night so I can't see how many he's had. Dh suffers from damaged nerves in his back due to an injury in his youth. He won't take pills so alcohol is his pain relief. I had to take care of his dad unexpectedly when he came to stay for Christmas one year. His dad ended up in the hospital and nearly died from advanced cirrhosis of the liver. We've have had siblings of dh fall down drunk at the house when they come over. We have a spare room in the house I jokingly refer to as the drunk tank because if his dad or siblings came over, they were not allowed to drive home as they'd all be rip-roaring drunk by 10 at night staying up sometimes until 3-4am. Sometimes passing out in chairs or on the floor. Sometimes, walking through the house busting themselves up and I'd have to bandage them and clean up the blood. Sometimes blaring the stereo so loud at the dead of night, I'd always be the bad guy guy saying to stop and I felt like a nanny rather than a wife. Dh's dad had to be watched after the hospital stay because he wasn't allowed to drink. So, he lived with us for 2.5 years before I kicked Dh's dad out as the burden was too great for me alone to take care of him. We also have 2 children that see their dad, grandpa and aunt and uncle constantly in a state of drunkenness. Dh is very short with the children. Very mean and harsh over the littlest mistakes. He's that way with me too. My decision to leave him came about this year. I have decided that I can no longer be a footstool for him and his family. I also don't want to be a mother of alcoholics. Dh refuses to seek help. He thinks he can quit all by himself and doesn't seem to think that we have any problems. I know he is using the alcohol for his back and he refuses to take pain pills or go to an aa meeting. He views help as a weakness of sorts. Also, I used to drink. I started right after meeting him. I drank a small bottle of wine a night for 3 years before I gave it up. I quit smoking at the same time and I didn't have very many withdrawals or cravings. He thinks he can just do what I did when he's ready to quit and it will work for him like it worked for me. But he does not understand I only drank for a short time. He's been drinking since he was 14. I can't get through to him how serious this is. My final straw was when he came back from the Dr after his back went south on him. He couldn't walk for 3 days and was limping until I made him go. The Dr says he is showing signs of advanced cirrhosis at 35. He is not "that worried. I'm still pretty young." he says. I can't stand by him and watch him die. It will kill me and this family. I gave him an ultimatum about his drinking. Dh says he is going to "cut back and do better". But I'm not sure what that means and he hasn't cut back at all, but is drinking whiskey again. I need some advice on how to get through this. I have my ducks in a row, I just haven't gone out the front door yet. He's been separated from me for 5 months with no signs of improvement. Sorry for the long post.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope that your husband seeks support for his alcoholism.

Have you considered AlAnon in your city as a support for yourself? You will also find lots of support here as you continue to take care of yourself.

Berrybean

Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.

You sound clued up to the fact that moderation isn't going to be the answer here. Sure, he uses his back pain to rationalise his drinking, but if he woke up pain free one day he'd soon rationalise it some other way. He just isnt ready to stop. Like you say, this is no environment to bring kids up in - and if you're in any doubt as to the impact of actively alcoholic parents on their children, a quick read around ACoA people in recovery (adult children of alcoholics) will soon show the damage that is likely to occur.

Ultimatums seen only ever any good if we are prepared to stick to them though. I too think AlAnon would be helpful, as this could help you make some healthy boundaries (useful whether you intend to stay or to leave.)

If you haven't done so yet, it may be an idea to post in the friends and family area here as well.

BB

icandothis20

Sorry about the situation you are in. Most of us have had to hit a type of bottom to really change, and you are right, he has to want it himself. He cant see it the way you do, because addiction is one of the sneakiest things in that it convinces us that we are still OK, and since this is your husbands coping mechanism for most everything in his life (was mine too) it will convince him of all types of reasons to keep drinking- and that voice is very believing. Just my two cents and experience. Maybe its time for you to stick to your ultimatum and him to hit a certain bottom? In my experience my family and hubby tried to cushion my fall alot, which led to me not feeling the pain I should have, and also not taking responsibility. Just my two cents! You will find alot of support here.