Feeling hopeless...PLEASE HELP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Feeling hopeless...PLEASE HELP
Hi all
I have never posted on here so I am unsure about it all...let me try and give a short version of my issues
I won't go into everything just the past few events..
My sibling is an alcoholic, it has been extremely difficult. I cant deal with the lies anymore and the broken promises. They went to rehab recently and I felt like my prayers had been answered but he left early because they didn't like what they were saying to him (everything is everyone else's fault)
He has lied to me constantly, made me meet a sponsor (who was actually a drinking partner he found in the pub) Its just lies lies lies.
He is slowly killing my father, which is heartbreaking and their partner is close to leaving, which I don't blame them for. I am terrified I will have to deal with him my whole life. I feel like I cant live my life because I have to look after them.
I just feel hopeless. I don't think they want to change and will eventually drink themselves to death. I understand it is an illness but if I am understanding, they walk all over me and if I give tough love, they use it as an excuse to drink, claiming I stressed them out.
Thanks for reading
I have never posted on here so I am unsure about it all...let me try and give a short version of my issues
I won't go into everything just the past few events..
My sibling is an alcoholic, it has been extremely difficult. I cant deal with the lies anymore and the broken promises. They went to rehab recently and I felt like my prayers had been answered but he left early because they didn't like what they were saying to him (everything is everyone else's fault)
He has lied to me constantly, made me meet a sponsor (who was actually a drinking partner he found in the pub) Its just lies lies lies.
He is slowly killing my father, which is heartbreaking and their partner is close to leaving, which I don't blame them for. I am terrified I will have to deal with him my whole life. I feel like I cant live my life because I have to look after them.
I just feel hopeless. I don't think they want to change and will eventually drink themselves to death. I understand it is an illness but if I am understanding, they walk all over me and if I give tough love, they use it as an excuse to drink, claiming I stressed them out.
Thanks for reading
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Welcome to sr. I'm sorry to hear of what brings you here.
You didn't cause it and you definitely can't control or cure it. If he doesn't want to stop drinking he won't.
Looking after your self is all you can do. He is an adult and no matter how much you love him you aren't responsible for him.maybe tell him you won't be enabling him anymore. You will be there for him to support if he decides to quit but he isn't ruining your life along with his own.
The bottom line is he won't quit until he's ready no matter what anyone says
You didn't cause it and you definitely can't control or cure it. If he doesn't want to stop drinking he won't.
Looking after your self is all you can do. He is an adult and no matter how much you love him you aren't responsible for him.maybe tell him you won't be enabling him anymore. You will be there for him to support if he decides to quit but he isn't ruining your life along with his own.
The bottom line is he won't quit until he's ready no matter what anyone says
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
Hi and welcome Lucy
you posted in our Chat Admin Forum so I moved your post here to Newcomers Forum for more response.
I'm sorry for what brings you here. I think one of the hardest things to do is stand by and watch someone you love self destruct.
It doesn't have to be your job to look after them tho, or your fathers eeither comes to that.
One of the ideas that groups like AlAnon push is that it's often better to
'detach with love' from the alcoholic in our lives.
That means not bailling them out, not picking up after them , not being a defacto parent for them.
The hope is that having to responsible for their actions might lead them to seek recovery.
It worked with me.
We also have a Family and Friends forum section you might want to visit
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
and, if you did want the chat room, follow this link
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/achat.php
D
you posted in our Chat Admin Forum so I moved your post here to Newcomers Forum for more response.
I'm sorry for what brings you here. I think one of the hardest things to do is stand by and watch someone you love self destruct.
It doesn't have to be your job to look after them tho, or your fathers eeither comes to that.
One of the ideas that groups like AlAnon push is that it's often better to
'detach with love' from the alcoholic in our lives.
That means not bailling them out, not picking up after them , not being a defacto parent for them.
The hope is that having to responsible for their actions might lead them to seek recovery.
It worked with me.
We also have a Family and Friends forum section you might want to visit
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
and, if you did want the chat room, follow this link
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/achat.php
D
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,695
Glad you found us for support. You cannot do anything for an alcoholic but, you can help yourself and therefor, help your father. Please consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. You will find that you are not alone in your situation and get more info on how to handle the alcoholic in your life.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by lucy230 
I feel like I cant live my life because I have to look after them.
Get help for that, because...
You didn't cause it
You can't fix it
You can't control it
Don't use your brother's refusal to live his life as an excuse to not live yours.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Hi Lucy , I am sorry for your situation .
While we love our siblings and children there is only so much we can do when addiction is controlling them . Dec 2016 my wife and I called the police with an issue with our son( long detailed story) who is an alcoholic . It was the hardest thing to watch him being led away and he spend a whole year inside and is due for release in 2 weeks . He has told us repeatedly that what we done was the best thing we could have done as he was totally out of control .
He attends AA inside and looks like a changed man . In his words "all I want is a quiet normal life with my son" ) .
We are offering initial support until he finds hos own place but we have also laid down the rules ,if he drinks he is on his own .
You must not let your siblings addiction destroy you , he needs help and obviously is not listening to you .
I hope you find peace and a way to deal with this
While we love our siblings and children there is only so much we can do when addiction is controlling them . Dec 2016 my wife and I called the police with an issue with our son( long detailed story) who is an alcoholic . It was the hardest thing to watch him being led away and he spend a whole year inside and is due for release in 2 weeks . He has told us repeatedly that what we done was the best thing we could have done as he was totally out of control .
He attends AA inside and looks like a changed man . In his words "all I want is a quiet normal life with my son" ) .
We are offering initial support until he finds hos own place but we have also laid down the rules ,if he drinks he is on his own .
You must not let your siblings addiction destroy you , he needs help and obviously is not listening to you .
I hope you find peace and a way to deal with this
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Lucy,
Alanon is great advice. I also like calling the police next time he goes drunk mental.
The system, in America, does an evaluation on them that takes a few days.
The drunk gets thrown in a drunk tank, then gets phyciatric evaluation.
I'll call it 1st phase scared straight. Like hp said, if the drunk wants out of the mental ward they have to act right.
If he gets out and goes mental again, back he goes.
It works. The drunk can't bully the cops or the system.
I vote....Don't feel sorry, he doesn't...yet.
Thanks.
Alanon is great advice. I also like calling the police next time he goes drunk mental.
The system, in America, does an evaluation on them that takes a few days.
The drunk gets thrown in a drunk tank, then gets phyciatric evaluation.
I'll call it 1st phase scared straight. Like hp said, if the drunk wants out of the mental ward they have to act right.
If he gets out and goes mental again, back he goes.
It works. The drunk can't bully the cops or the system.
I vote....Don't feel sorry, he doesn't...yet.
Thanks.
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