Have you figured out internal happiness?
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
Bimini NAILed it!
And if this is hubby (if I'm wrong then its Mom
Or both.... ) there might be some emotional enmeshment going on? Little codie behavior maybe?
Its hard for me to stand my ground with confidence and maturity if I feel like a naughty child who isn't good enough. If my sense of me (that internal thang you're asking about it) is tied up in what I believe another person thinks of me then I'm kinda screwed. And it also assumes I KNOW what they think of me...which I don't, so it's all based on assumptions. In others words, enmeshment is a cluster that needs to be un-clustered.
While you're working through that, practice the things Bimini suggested. And know in your self that you are good just the way you are. Perfect? He!! no. And neither is he (or she) or whatever.
And if this is hubby (if I'm wrong then its Mom
Or both.... ) there might be some emotional enmeshment going on? Little codie behavior maybe? Its hard for me to stand my ground with confidence and maturity if I feel like a naughty child who isn't good enough. If my sense of me (that internal thang you're asking about it) is tied up in what I believe another person thinks of me then I'm kinda screwed. And it also assumes I KNOW what they think of me...which I don't, so it's all based on assumptions. In others words, enmeshment is a cluster that needs to be un-clustered.
While you're working through that, practice the things Bimini suggested. And know in your self that you are good just the way you are. Perfect? He!! no. And neither is he (or she) or whatever.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think when you live with other adults there is a certain amount of conflict resolution that has to be agreed upon on an ongoing basis. Stuff I say/have said:
"We can agree to disagree."
"I'll be doing it this way, you're free to do it your way."
"This is not worth arguing about. Let's step away from this for now and get a little perspective."
"Really? I'd like to hear why your way works for you."
"I am going to walk away now since I feel like we are arguing in circles."
You get the picture. Little household chores are really not a hill worth dying on. But being right isn't something one person or another is entitled to own on every incident, either. This is just adult relationships. If it's a spouse, how about a little joint counseling? No one gets to abuse me in my own home. Obviously I can't possibly be wrong about everything! Right?
"We can agree to disagree."
"I'll be doing it this way, you're free to do it your way."
"This is not worth arguing about. Let's step away from this for now and get a little perspective."
"Really? I'd like to hear why your way works for you."
"I am going to walk away now since I feel like we are arguing in circles."
You get the picture. Little household chores are really not a hill worth dying on. But being right isn't something one person or another is entitled to own on every incident, either. This is just adult relationships. If it's a spouse, how about a little joint counseling? No one gets to abuse me in my own home. Obviously I can't possibly be wrong about everything! Right?
I’m going to work on my acceptance and at be same time standing up for myself. It’ll be a challenge. A real new learning how to deal with conflict.
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Originally Posted by lynnmarie123
May I ask how long you have been sober?
My first year was not good as far as brain function goes.
The littlest thing set me off. It was almost like I was searching for things to set me off. And then I would stew in my juices for days.
If what had happened back then happened now (over 2 years sober), I would not respond the same. Happiness comes and goes, but at least the crazies have left the building.
My first year was not good as far as brain function goes.
The littlest thing set me off. It was almost like I was searching for things to set me off. And then I would stew in my juices for days.
If what had happened back then happened now (over 2 years sober), I would not respond the same. Happiness comes and goes, but at least the crazies have left the building.
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Originally Posted by readyt0change
after years of reading eastern and western philosophy i think it starts with acceptance.
accepting of others and yourself. you will never be able to change someone, so don't even try. you control how you react. well-being comes from within. it comes from accepting the present moment. realizing the present moment is all we'll ever be.
i believe the buddha was right. attachments leads to suffering. life is mostly suffering. in moments of tranquility and acceptance we can ease that pain and suffering. why is the world the way it is? many reasons but i think a big one is craving for things and "more." i look at us as addicts and i believe it is a spiritual disease. we are overcompensating for something lacking deep within us. some people do it with food, others with work, etc.
i have over 3 months sober and i am slowly becoming more peaceful on the inside. even though it feels my life is headed pretty much nowhere, the thing is there is really nowhere to go. achievements, money, fame, status in the end none of those will fix us. we believe they will but they won't. we will never reach that moment of continuous happiness and bliss. that's not the way life works.
there are no solutions, no answers to be found, nowhere to go, just accepting and being in the now as much as possible.
mastering my mind is a lot easier sober.
PS. not sure how i went on this rant but there it is. my 2 cents on the topic.
accepting of others and yourself. you will never be able to change someone, so don't even try. you control how you react. well-being comes from within. it comes from accepting the present moment. realizing the present moment is all we'll ever be.
i believe the buddha was right. attachments leads to suffering. life is mostly suffering. in moments of tranquility and acceptance we can ease that pain and suffering. why is the world the way it is? many reasons but i think a big one is craving for things and "more." i look at us as addicts and i believe it is a spiritual disease. we are overcompensating for something lacking deep within us. some people do it with food, others with work, etc.
i have over 3 months sober and i am slowly becoming more peaceful on the inside. even though it feels my life is headed pretty much nowhere, the thing is there is really nowhere to go. achievements, money, fame, status in the end none of those will fix us. we believe they will but they won't. we will never reach that moment of continuous happiness and bliss. that's not the way life works.
there are no solutions, no answers to be found, nowhere to go, just accepting and being in the now as much as possible.
mastering my mind is a lot easier sober.
PS. not sure how i went on this rant but there it is. my 2 cents on the topic.
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on the coffee thing...
I would have just swept it up - all the drama goes away in ten seconds.
We are all called to be of service.
It's up to you how you react to these things. For me, I look at how to be of service and how to hold on to my serenity. Arguing and having to be right don't fit with either of those things.
I would have just swept it up - all the drama goes away in ten seconds.
We are all called to be of service.
It's up to you how you react to these things. For me, I look at how to be of service and how to hold on to my serenity. Arguing and having to be right don't fit with either of those things.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
on the coffee thing...
I would have just swept it up - all the drama goes away in ten seconds.
We are all called to be of service.
It's up to you how you react to these things. For me, I look at how to be of service and how to hold on to my serenity. Arguing and having to be right don't fit with either of those things.
I would have just swept it up - all the drama goes away in ten seconds.
We are all called to be of service.
It's up to you how you react to these things. For me, I look at how to be of service and how to hold on to my serenity. Arguing and having to be right don't fit with either of those things.
It’s nice to get some perspective, I sometimes feel very lost in the moment lately of what each stand your ground implies.
Thank you!
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
on the coffee thing...
I would have just swept it up - all the drama goes away in ten seconds.
We are all called to be of service.
It's up to you how you react to these things. For me, I look at how to be of service and how to hold on to my serenity. Arguing and having to be right don't fit with either of those things.
I would have just swept it up - all the drama goes away in ten seconds.
We are all called to be of service.
It's up to you how you react to these things. For me, I look at how to be of service and how to hold on to my serenity. Arguing and having to be right don't fit with either of those things.
Also I really like the aspect of good holding on to our own serenity. It takes a lot of the pressure out of making sure you’re not walked on and just being happy. Seems like such common sense but apparently I had lost that somewhere
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Originally Posted by Readygo
I will definitely work on this! I feel I’m riding a balance in my own head of making sure I am accepting me and also when to bend. I’m very sensitive as I’m sure that’s normal until my emotions clear out.
It’s nice to get some perspective, I sometimes feel very lost in the moment lately of what each stand your ground implies.
Thank you!
It’s nice to get some perspective, I sometimes feel very lost in the moment lately of what each stand your ground implies.
Thank you!
If you spill it and you see it, clean it. If you spill it and don't see it and it's pointed out, "Oh, oops, I'll get that."
If I put myself in a one-up or a one-down position, I've lost the plot.
Is this a spouse or a parent or just a roommate? I mean, it really depends on the relationship and your personal independence.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Well I think you have to have some boundaries of what you tolerate, but spilled coffee is no way worth getting into it about. Usually the person who has the "problem" (i.e. who cares about the coffee, or who notices it) can deal with the problem. If you don't see it, you don't see it. End of story.
If you spill it and you see it, clean it. If you spill it and don't see it and it's pointed out, "Oh, oops, I'll get that."
If I put myself in a one-up or a one-down position, I've lost the plot.
Is this a spouse or a parent or just a roommate? I mean, it really depends on the relationship and your personal independence.
If you spill it and you see it, clean it. If you spill it and don't see it and it's pointed out, "Oh, oops, I'll get that."
If I put myself in a one-up or a one-down position, I've lost the plot.
Is this a spouse or a parent or just a roommate? I mean, it really depends on the relationship and your personal independence.
Basically I have been much more argumentative because I have felt condescended lately with feeling like I’m coming up short so often and nit picked to an extent that it hurts my feelings.
I don’t know if it’s my emotions being out of wack or seeing things with a sober eye. But I want to just curl away and let me worry about me being in a state of serenity that this kind of thing doesn’t bother me so much.
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Yes I have. I went through a bad time in my life but I got through it and it made me stronger. As much as I wish I could change what has happened past 3-years I've accepted it and now I am trying to use the lessons I learned to my advantage.
When I get negative thoughts in my head, unless they are constructive and I can learn something from them I push them out and move on.
Life is too short to always be upset.
When I get negative thoughts in my head, unless they are constructive and I can learn something from them I push them out and move on.
Life is too short to always be upset.
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Does he know about your new sobriety?
The super sensitivity goes away - but it takes time.
Also, I had a neat/clean-freak boyfriend for a while and I'm much more a, "tidy, but you don't want to eat off that floor," kind of girl. The clean-freak-ness was (in his case) pathological. He had a cleaning woman come in twice a week to a tiny little condo he lived in and it still wasn't clean enough. He had no money to afford this, either. He ended up losing the condo to bankruptcy - but dammit! It was freakin' clean all the way through the process.
He stressed out about how clean his car was all the time. Shoes had to be spotless before getting in. The floor mats were swept daily. His clothes and their storage were a whole college course to master.
So, yeah. Their coping strategies are, "Control the environment!!!!" ours are, "Blot out the thinking!!!" Both are equally dysfunctional.
The super sensitivity goes away - but it takes time.
Also, I had a neat/clean-freak boyfriend for a while and I'm much more a, "tidy, but you don't want to eat off that floor," kind of girl. The clean-freak-ness was (in his case) pathological. He had a cleaning woman come in twice a week to a tiny little condo he lived in and it still wasn't clean enough. He had no money to afford this, either. He ended up losing the condo to bankruptcy - but dammit! It was freakin' clean all the way through the process.
He stressed out about how clean his car was all the time. Shoes had to be spotless before getting in. The floor mats were swept daily. His clothes and their storage were a whole college course to master.
So, yeah. Their coping strategies are, "Control the environment!!!!" ours are, "Blot out the thinking!!!" Both are equally dysfunctional.
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