Hi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 748
Happy Birthday
I've been sober from early October, got through Christmas and the New Year absolutely effortlessly. I had the answer, really. No mucking about. I felt so certain that ludicrously I honestly thought I could have told other people how to stop drinking.
But - hence my appearance here - last week I thought that it might be a good idea to buy a bottle of wine. Why?
Since then, I've been drinking every day. I do work, but I can do that hungover. So it's work, drink, sleep, work, drink, sleep......etc for about 9 or 10 days.
Because I was so sure that I was free and clear, this return to form makes it seem even worse. I don't think I could ever have another success like I had going there. I don't even feel broken. I feel like I'm accepting it's the way it should be.
I woke up this morning after making a fool of myself online and dived into my first bottle of wine that I hadn't managed to drink before I fell into a pissed up coma.
So, I'm back here again trying to score a bit support and encouragement from you people on here and hopefully give some back. I'm not a very interactive person. I reckon I had an odd idea that my problem is different to everyone else's.
I don't think I've helped others on here like I should. But I do have the power to make a difference by being honest, open and supportive. Take away my defensiveness. It's a real complicated maze this chemical dependancy.
My older brother who's done quite well for himself turned up unexpectedly the other morning without phoning, great. He was coming to Lincolnshire to buy an aeroplane - yes an aeroplane. I was there in my hovel drinking wine. I felt so low. We're not close, he wouldn't understand. I could see what he thought.
There's a little supermarket nearby. I'll buy a couple of bottles and then go back later to a different cashierand buy more to make sure I've got enough. Terrible isn't it? I don't buy much of anything else there. I wonder what their nickname for me is.
Anyway, tomorrow's my birthday and against usual tradition I'm going to make an effort to have it as my Day 1.
Sorry for the diatribe people. I just want to make an announcement, a public declaration to help me stick to my resolution.
Good luck and best wishes to everyone in your struggle.
But - hence my appearance here - last week I thought that it might be a good idea to buy a bottle of wine. Why?
Since then, I've been drinking every day. I do work, but I can do that hungover. So it's work, drink, sleep, work, drink, sleep......etc for about 9 or 10 days.
Because I was so sure that I was free and clear, this return to form makes it seem even worse. I don't think I could ever have another success like I had going there. I don't even feel broken. I feel like I'm accepting it's the way it should be.
I woke up this morning after making a fool of myself online and dived into my first bottle of wine that I hadn't managed to drink before I fell into a pissed up coma.
So, I'm back here again trying to score a bit support and encouragement from you people on here and hopefully give some back. I'm not a very interactive person. I reckon I had an odd idea that my problem is different to everyone else's.
I don't think I've helped others on here like I should. But I do have the power to make a difference by being honest, open and supportive. Take away my defensiveness. It's a real complicated maze this chemical dependancy.
My older brother who's done quite well for himself turned up unexpectedly the other morning without phoning, great. He was coming to Lincolnshire to buy an aeroplane - yes an aeroplane. I was there in my hovel drinking wine. I felt so low. We're not close, he wouldn't understand. I could see what he thought.
There's a little supermarket nearby. I'll buy a couple of bottles and then go back later to a different cashierand buy more to make sure I've got enough. Terrible isn't it? I don't buy much of anything else there. I wonder what their nickname for me is.
Anyway, tomorrow's my birthday and against usual tradition I'm going to make an effort to have it as my Day 1.
Sorry for the diatribe people. I just want to make an announcement, a public declaration to help me stick to my resolution.
Good luck and best wishes to everyone in your struggle.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
So you had a really decent run of sobriety and then fell for the line that maybe the odd drink would be OK now - its happened to almost all of us, taplow.
Stop drinking and get back to where you want to be.
Remember next time you have the idea that drinking might be ok that it's really not an option for guys like you and me.
Happy birthday for tomorrow -start as you mean to go on..in fact why not get a head start on that and start day 1 today?
it's not impossible
D
Stop drinking and get back to where you want to be.
Remember next time you have the idea that drinking might be ok that it's really not an option for guys like you and me.
Happy birthday for tomorrow -start as you mean to go on..in fact why not get a head start on that and start day 1 today?
it's not impossible
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi taplow
Good on ya for coming back and being honest.
Because I was so sure that I was free and clear
Yeah, been there, thought that. I know my addict is a sneaky azzhat. Making me believe that I'm 'cured' is one of its ploys. Its one thing to commit to myself, ok I will not drink today, no matter what. Its another to think 'I got this, I'm good. I'm cured'.
I reckon I had an odd idea that my problem is different to everyone else's.
Yeah, been there too. That's my addicts way of 'separating me from the herd'. I'm a total loner to start with....so when even my thinking becomes a way to believe myself unique, I know I'm in trouble. My addiction is like a predator watching a herd....looking for the weak spots in order to go in for the kill. Its like a process of chipping away....separating me further from the people, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that help keep me sober.
Day 1 has to come and its hard. You can do it.
Good on ya for coming back and being honest.
Because I was so sure that I was free and clear
Yeah, been there, thought that. I know my addict is a sneaky azzhat. Making me believe that I'm 'cured' is one of its ploys. Its one thing to commit to myself, ok I will not drink today, no matter what. Its another to think 'I got this, I'm good. I'm cured'.
I reckon I had an odd idea that my problem is different to everyone else's.
Yeah, been there too. That's my addicts way of 'separating me from the herd'. I'm a total loner to start with....so when even my thinking becomes a way to believe myself unique, I know I'm in trouble. My addiction is like a predator watching a herd....looking for the weak spots in order to go in for the kill. Its like a process of chipping away....separating me further from the people, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that help keep me sober.
Day 1 has to come and its hard. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Welcome back, Taplow. That thought, that it would be OK to drink after a period of abstinence, I call it my AV (Addictive Voice) which is the mouthpiece of my Booze Beast (or Inner Toddler Addicted to Instant Gratification......Booze).
Maybe you don’t have one, but if you think you may, or are slightly interested, why don’t you visit the Secular Connections Sub-Forum (lower down the main forum page) and post your own thread.
We don’t subscribe much to ‘sharing’ just to dealing with the AV. If you’ve previously visited SC and it didn’t resonate with you, that’s OK; but I thought I’d mention it, just in case it helps.
Maybe you don’t have one, but if you think you may, or are slightly interested, why don’t you visit the Secular Connections Sub-Forum (lower down the main forum page) and post your own thread.
We don’t subscribe much to ‘sharing’ just to dealing with the AV. If you’ve previously visited SC and it didn’t resonate with you, that’s OK; but I thought I’d mention it, just in case it helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 748
Thank you everyone. I'm already breaking my vow about not posting today as I'm drinking, but this is it. I appreciate your support here.
Also the RR/AVRT idea is something that was suggested here that led to me quitting this time. The seeing of the AV as separate to me led to something deeper I think. I'm not my thoughts, I'm just watching them. I think it's quite profound.
Anyway I'll stop now. Speak to you tomorrow when I'm back in the real world.
Also the RR/AVRT idea is something that was suggested here that led to me quitting this time. The seeing of the AV as separate to me led to something deeper I think. I'm not my thoughts, I'm just watching them. I think it's quite profound.
Anyway I'll stop now. Speak to you tomorrow when I'm back in the real world.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
You’re not alone!!
You’re a very special snowflake, but I guess I’m one too? Almost the same exact story. You haven’t lost the sobriety you had or what you learned during that period. Your pride is wounded now, and that’s okay. Being an alcoholic is humbling.
Dust yourself off and remember why you stopped and how you felt while stopped. Stop sulking. You’ve got one life - just the one!! Are you going to let those stupid grapes rule it?
Dust yourself off and remember why you stopped and how you felt while stopped. Stop sulking. You’ve got one life - just the one!! Are you going to let those stupid grapes rule it?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Happy Birthday for tomorrow! What a fantastic present to yourself, Day 1. RR/AVRT is simple, but not easy. To be fully effective and water-tight, it often needs fine-tuning, if the previous Big Plan was reversed.
Also in Secular Connections, Andy is hosting a meditation class, which includes reading material and videos, most of which relates to automatic/sub-conscious thoughts, which I’ve found really beneficial in filtering out negative, self-defeating thoughts.
Also in Secular Connections, Andy is hosting a meditation class, which includes reading material and videos, most of which relates to automatic/sub-conscious thoughts, which I’ve found really beneficial in filtering out negative, self-defeating thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,100
Ditto to what everyone said above, taplow. When I gave abstinence a go a few years back I got to day 30 and rationalised myself into half of what I used to drink thinking I had it under 'control'. My digression was almost identical to what you've described and yes, I can completely relate to the 'other one who did it right' sentiment that fuels the fire of self-pity and self-hatred. Those of us who fight this beast know that you cannot be conciliatory with it at all. It's a nemesis plain and simple.
Glad you're posting here and reaching out. Keep us apprised and stay strong
Glad you're posting here and reaching out. Keep us apprised and stay strong
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
Hi Taplow! Glad to see you around again. Happy Birthday!! I keep hanging around to keep my head on straight. Time to start again with new focus and resolve. I look forward to hearing fro you again soon!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
Hi there! I'm relatively new here, but I connected to a lot in your story. Many of us relapse before it finally sticks-or at least based on what I've seen on these boards. It only has to work once forever, right?
Even though I just "met" you I can tell that you have a lot of anxiety about how others (your brother, the cashier) see you. I have that too, and I think it's at the root of a lot of my problems with addiction. I suppose that's obvious, but I just wanted to share what I notice in your post. It's not pathetic or low to drink wine when you're an addict. Mustering up the courage to quit is incredible, and you should feel good about yourself that you're back here trying again. Most don't.
Even though I just "met" you I can tell that you have a lot of anxiety about how others (your brother, the cashier) see you. I have that too, and I think it's at the root of a lot of my problems with addiction. I suppose that's obvious, but I just wanted to share what I notice in your post. It's not pathetic or low to drink wine when you're an addict. Mustering up the courage to quit is incredible, and you should feel good about yourself that you're back here trying again. Most don't.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
