Newbie, dealing with alcoholic wife
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
Newbie, dealing with alcoholic wife
Hello
Not sure how to even begin, we have been together for 12 years, currently 41 years old. We have always been very social, enjoying drinks on weekends or social gatherings. Over past 3 years her drinking has increased, began with glass of wine after work, then 2, then 3, then whole bottle. Past year it has just gotten unbearable. She is drinking at least a gallon of vodka every 3-4 days. I have begged her to go to counseling, I hid her car keys so she couldn't go to liquor store, (she threatened to call police on me). In all fairness, I have yelled at her in frustration. On mothers day 2017 she was so drunk, she lost control of her bladder and leaked pee all on my Uncles house. I cleaned it up as fast as I could, but they noticed. Same night a fight between wife and my sister ensued. I was awoken out of sleep to break it up. Past 6 months, I come home to her laying on the couch passed out. When she wakes I am told how horrible I am, she claims I am having an affair, (I am not nor have ever). Finally three weeks ago, I poured the vodka out, she became so angry, she called the police claiming she was scared of me, Needless to say, I got to go stay away for a few days while her binge continued. She now knows if she doesn't get her way all she has to do is threaten to call police. I cannot risk a false report of domestic abuse/violence, so I have to run at the simple threat.
Sorry to unload, I have no idea of what I can do to help her. If anyone has been in a similar situation and have sincere advise please share.
Not sure how to even begin, we have been together for 12 years, currently 41 years old. We have always been very social, enjoying drinks on weekends or social gatherings. Over past 3 years her drinking has increased, began with glass of wine after work, then 2, then 3, then whole bottle. Past year it has just gotten unbearable. She is drinking at least a gallon of vodka every 3-4 days. I have begged her to go to counseling, I hid her car keys so she couldn't go to liquor store, (she threatened to call police on me). In all fairness, I have yelled at her in frustration. On mothers day 2017 she was so drunk, she lost control of her bladder and leaked pee all on my Uncles house. I cleaned it up as fast as I could, but they noticed. Same night a fight between wife and my sister ensued. I was awoken out of sleep to break it up. Past 6 months, I come home to her laying on the couch passed out. When she wakes I am told how horrible I am, she claims I am having an affair, (I am not nor have ever). Finally three weeks ago, I poured the vodka out, she became so angry, she called the police claiming she was scared of me, Needless to say, I got to go stay away for a few days while her binge continued. She now knows if she doesn't get her way all she has to do is threaten to call police. I cannot risk a false report of domestic abuse/violence, so I have to run at the simple threat.
Sorry to unload, I have no idea of what I can do to help her. If anyone has been in a similar situation and have sincere advise please share.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Hello 27Fountain welcome. There is a friends and family link that may be helpful for you. I am so sorry you are going through this experience. I have been with my boyfriend 11 years. I finally got the boot a couple months ago for my drinking. I can say he is angel for all he has endured. I am trying to stay sober and repair our relationship.
If she calls the police and she is intoxicated and you are sober they may actually take PC her to dry out .
Please do what you have to do to protect yourself good thinking.
I hope things work out for you. I can sympathize on how stress out you must be. My boyfriend use to cry
That is how much it affected him. Its an awful addiction to deal with just know you will find alot of support here.
If she calls the police and she is intoxicated and you are sober they may actually take PC her to dry out .
Please do what you have to do to protect yourself good thinking.
I hope things work out for you. I can sympathize on how stress out you must be. My boyfriend use to cry
That is how much it affected him. Its an awful addiction to deal with just know you will find alot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
So sorry for your troubles 27Fountain, but I'm glad you're here. Alcoholism is a soul-sucking condition for the whole family.
Do you have any support for yourself? If she won't go to counseling (wouldn't help while she's an active alcoholic anyway) have you thought about finding some help for yourself? You'll need someone with whom you can share this pain who understands what it's like to live with someone who is spiraling down. Does her family know?
Maybe some therapy, clergy, Al Anon meetings (Al Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics.) You need someone in your corner who isn't emotionally invested in either of you and who knows about alcoholism.
Here is the link to the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum that faith823 mentioned.. There are a lot of kindred souls on this site, lots of support.
Do you have any support for yourself? If she won't go to counseling (wouldn't help while she's an active alcoholic anyway) have you thought about finding some help for yourself? You'll need someone with whom you can share this pain who understands what it's like to live with someone who is spiraling down. Does her family know?
Maybe some therapy, clergy, Al Anon meetings (Al Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics.) You need someone in your corner who isn't emotionally invested in either of you and who knows about alcoholism.
Here is the link to the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum that faith823 mentioned.. There are a lot of kindred souls on this site, lots of support.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome! 
I would turn the tables on her and call the police on her next time she's drunk and disorderly. Her threatening to charge you with domestic violence is totally out of line. I'd suggest some serious support for yourself. 
I would turn the tables on her and call the police on her next time she's drunk and disorderly. Her threatening to charge you with domestic violence is totally out of line. I'd suggest some serious support for yourself. Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
Wouldn't the police smell the booze on her? My husband actually called the police on me twice, thinking I was suicidal. But I wouldn't lie to them/tell them he was hurting me when he wasn't. Just wonder if you could ask them to give her a breathalyzer test and say, "if you don't test her now and leave, you may be called to a more horrific scene on the highway when she goes out for more booze." You're doing the right thing for sure in taking away keys if she's smashed. But sounds like you need to give her the ultimatum of inpatient rehab or you separating, especially if you have kids and she could be risking their safety.
Originally Posted by 27Fountain 
Hello
Not sure how to even begin, we have been together for 12 years, currently 41 years old. We have always been very social, enjoying drinks on weekends or social gatherings. Over past 3 years her drinking has increased, began with glass of wine after work, then 2, then 3, then whole bottle. Past year it has just gotten unbearable. She is drinking at least a gallon of vodka every 3-4 days. I have begged her to go to counseling, I hid her car keys so she couldn't go to liquor store, (she threatened to call police on me). In all fairness, I have yelled at her in frustration. On mothers day 2017 she was so drunk, she lost control of her bladder and leaked pee all on my Uncles house. I cleaned it up as fast as I could, but they noticed. Same night a fight between wife and my sister ensued. I was awoken out of sleep to break it up. Past 6 months, I come home to her laying on the couch passed out. When she wakes I am told how horrible I am, she claims I am having an affair, (I am not nor have ever). Finally three weeks ago, I poured the vodka out, she became so angry, she called the police claiming she was scared of me, Needless to say, I got to go stay away for a few days while her binge continued. She now knows if she doesn't get her way all she has to do is threaten to call police. I cannot risk a false report of domestic abuse/violence, so I have to run at the simple threat.
Sorry to unload, I have no idea of what I can do to help her. If anyone has been in a similar situation and have sincere advise please share.
Not sure how to even begin, we have been together for 12 years, currently 41 years old. We have always been very social, enjoying drinks on weekends or social gatherings. Over past 3 years her drinking has increased, began with glass of wine after work, then 2, then 3, then whole bottle. Past year it has just gotten unbearable. She is drinking at least a gallon of vodka every 3-4 days. I have begged her to go to counseling, I hid her car keys so she couldn't go to liquor store, (she threatened to call police on me). In all fairness, I have yelled at her in frustration. On mothers day 2017 she was so drunk, she lost control of her bladder and leaked pee all on my Uncles house. I cleaned it up as fast as I could, but they noticed. Same night a fight between wife and my sister ensued. I was awoken out of sleep to break it up. Past 6 months, I come home to her laying on the couch passed out. When she wakes I am told how horrible I am, she claims I am having an affair, (I am not nor have ever). Finally three weeks ago, I poured the vodka out, she became so angry, she called the police claiming she was scared of me, Needless to say, I got to go stay away for a few days while her binge continued. She now knows if she doesn't get her way all she has to do is threaten to call police. I cannot risk a false report of domestic abuse/violence, so I have to run at the simple threat.
Sorry to unload, I have no idea of what I can do to help her. If anyone has been in a similar situation and have sincere advise please share.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
Also know the nasty words & paranoid accusations are not really her talking anymore, it's a poisoned brain. If you are serious about wanting to help her, confide in a few friends/family members that are the safest, non-threatening people to her (sounds like your sister should not be on the list)
then invite them to an intervention at your house (when kids are somewhere else safe if you have kids). Have everyone be able to say how much they love her and MISS her, cause she's been brain-snatched by alcohol. And at my worst I could consume 8 glasses of wine / two bottles in one evening (with sometimes passing out) so I'm not sure how equivalent that is to a gallon of vodka every few days, but it sounds pretty scary.
then invite them to an intervention at your house (when kids are somewhere else safe if you have kids). Have everyone be able to say how much they love her and MISS her, cause she's been brain-snatched by alcohol. And at my worst I could consume 8 glasses of wine / two bottles in one evening (with sometimes passing out) so I'm not sure how equivalent that is to a gallon of vodka every few days, but it sounds pretty scary.
Originally Posted by Hopedeferred
Wouldn't the police smell the booze on her? My husband actually called the police on me twice, thinking I was suicidal. But I wouldn't lie to them/tell them he was hurting me when he wasn't. Just wonder if you could ask them to give her a breathalyzer test and say, "if you don't test her now and leave, you may be called to a more horrific scene on the highway when she goes out for more booze." You're doing the right thing for sure in taking away keys if she's smashed. But sounds like you need to give her the ultimatum of inpatient rehab or you separating, especially if you have kids and she could be risking their safety.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
That's a tough spot to be in! My exAgf and I got separate housing after she started getting violent when drunk/blacked out. I was NOT willing to risk it. Still 'tried' to make it work for a few years and then I got sober. Protect yourself first and foremost. Also know...You can not get her to stop drinking. It has to be her that wants it.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
Welcome, and I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I also connect to so much in this story, since I am an alcoholic wife. We've been married 12 years too. I feel immense guilt about the things I have put my husband trough. I can only speak for myself, but I know that alcohol fueled a lot of drama for me. It became a habit to drink and pick a fight with my husband over little things (including random accusations of infidelity which I knew weren't true). I haven't quite figured out why I do that when I drink, (I'm a work in progress!), but I think a lot of alcoholics engage in this kind of selfish behavior. For me at least, there is a sick pleasure in spiraling out of control and having someone pick up the pieces. Did your wife grow up in a chaotic or unstable household? I wish you both the best, and if you want to chat in PM anytime, I'd be happy to.
Last edited by ProfessorD; 01-26-2018 at 05:57 AM. Reason: typos
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
Thank you to everyone, just spilling this makes me feel better. I feel like I am allowing our marriage to fail, however when she pulls the "call police" in state of Virginia, by law if their is a mention of physical touching , one party has to be charged and go to jail. I have never hit her, I have yelled allot in frustration. :-(
I am a Director for a Healthcare system, if I get even charged, I will loose my career. She knows this, 16 months ago she arrive at a hospital I was at for the day causing a drunk scene, simply because she lost her keys. HR and police explained this to her, needless to say I requested a transfer after this incident. We moved, it was move from hell. She got so drunk one day, she fell and broke her foot. Thank God I was not home, however in her mind this is my fault, cause we moved.
To answer some of the questions, I have a brother who has been supportive, but he is at his limit. Her family may have an idea, I have been forbidden to communicate with them, or (Ill call the police). I am pretty sure they are mad at me, I caught her telling her brother on the phone that I have physically abused her, that is where, she claimed her bruises are from. This is not true, bruises are from her falling down while drunk.
I have purchased a second house about 5 miles from our current house, at this time when she pulls the (ill call the police) I just go stay there until next day. Pretty expensive way to avoid false charges, but I didn't know what else to do.
Thank you for link to Friends and family of alcoholics, I will look at it tonight. :-(
I am a Director for a Healthcare system, if I get even charged, I will loose my career. She knows this, 16 months ago she arrive at a hospital I was at for the day causing a drunk scene, simply because she lost her keys. HR and police explained this to her, needless to say I requested a transfer after this incident. We moved, it was move from hell. She got so drunk one day, she fell and broke her foot. Thank God I was not home, however in her mind this is my fault, cause we moved.
To answer some of the questions, I have a brother who has been supportive, but he is at his limit. Her family may have an idea, I have been forbidden to communicate with them, or (Ill call the police). I am pretty sure they are mad at me, I caught her telling her brother on the phone that I have physically abused her, that is where, she claimed her bruises are from. This is not true, bruises are from her falling down while drunk.
I have purchased a second house about 5 miles from our current house, at this time when she pulls the (ill call the police) I just go stay there until next day. Pretty expensive way to avoid false charges, but I didn't know what else to do.
Thank you for link to Friends and family of alcoholics, I will look at it tonight. :-(
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by 27Fountain
I have purchased a second house about 5 miles from our current house, at this time when she pulls the (ill call the police) I just go stay there until next day. Pretty expensive way to avoid false charges, but I didn't know what else to do.-(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
Thank you to all, last Friday I arrived home from work 8 pm, Wife was missing, I was so scared. After 30 min calling hospitals, and other locations. Discovered she was arrested Drunk in Public, at 4:30pm on Friday. Picked her up at midnight from jail. After all this, "it is their fault" I am so sorry to vent, but I don't know what to do. If I do anything, she pulls the "ill call the police and say you hit me" BS. I do not want to leave my wife, but I am at a loss. I have never hit her, and cannot even have this allegation on me, (she knows this (i am a director for a healthcare system)). CHIT what do I do. I just never imagined being in this situation. Unless anyone can help me with a solution, I have to seperate, at least for a few days, I am very worried she will go over the cliff if I am not around
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi 27Fountain
I'm sorry for your situation. I've never had to deal with something like that so I'm not sure what to suggest., although being essentially blackmailed to 'not do anything' doesn't sounds like a great place to be.
Other members , both here in in our family&friends forums will have more experience I'm sure.
all the best to you.
D
I'm sorry for your situation. I've never had to deal with something like that so I'm not sure what to suggest., although being essentially blackmailed to 'not do anything' doesn't sounds like a great place to be.
Other members , both here in in our family&friends forums will have more experience I'm sure.
all the best to you.
D
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Hello. I am 5 weeks sober so a relative newbie. My partner sent me a message last year after one of my sessions saying if i carried on drinking he would have to consider wether or not to stay in our relationship. Still didnt stop me. In fact i messaged him back and said if you are asking me if i am ever going to drink again then i cannot say for definate i wont. My alcoholic voice still ruling the roost at that point. Now 5 weeks sober i think to myself that had the shoe been on the other foot and it had been him who had been drinking like i was well quite frankly i would have left him!! I think unfortunately your wife has reached the point where if you read the threads on here people say i lost my partner, my kids , etc. Maybe that will be the wake up call she needs. Until the point where she makes the decision to turn her life around there is nothing you can do and self preservation needs to be what you focus on. Dont let this damage your life and work situation. All the best.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
So,so sorry for what brings you here.
At the moment your wife is manipulating you with fear. This is not love. It is not honouring you as a person. And while she is still active in her alcoholism then I suspect that this will carry on. It may not be working for you, but it's working for her alcoholism, and that's whats shouting loudest at the moment. She is successfully avoiding the consequences of her drinking by threatening. If someone outside yiur home did this then it might be easier to see that they were blackmailing you, because this is just what she is doing. Ruling someone with fear is in itself abusive. She is an abuser. Where I live blackmail is viewed dimly by courts and the police, as are false allegations. I suspect it would be the same where you are. Is it possible to get a recording of her making these threats?
I would suggest that you read around on the friends and family area here - there are things called 'stickies' which are a good place to start. I suspect that it would be a good move to consult a legal adviser. Perhaps even a counsellor.
Have you considered moving into that second home of yours. Maybe even getting cctv installed so it will act as witness to your whereabouts if she decides to carry out her threats. As much as you dont want to give up on your marriage, staying there and allowing her to abuse you isn't doing much to save it at the moment. It's just making you more miserable, and stopping her from facing the consequences of her alcoholism. Most alcoholics only make that decision to seek sobriety when their drinking starts to cause THEM more problems than it offers solutions. At the moment it's on my causing YOU problems. And that's not going to trouble her too much while she's guzzling vodka.
Contacting her family isn't going to do much apart from antagonize the situation. And it's no more their job to take care of her than it is yours. Only SHE can decide to get sober and work on her recovery. And until she decides that she wants to get better there is nothing anyone can do.
I also think AlAnon is worth a good try. It sounds like some friends close by who understand what you're going through, who you can speak to with frankness and confidentiality would make a big difference to how bearable life it's right now.
BB
At the moment your wife is manipulating you with fear. This is not love. It is not honouring you as a person. And while she is still active in her alcoholism then I suspect that this will carry on. It may not be working for you, but it's working for her alcoholism, and that's whats shouting loudest at the moment. She is successfully avoiding the consequences of her drinking by threatening. If someone outside yiur home did this then it might be easier to see that they were blackmailing you, because this is just what she is doing. Ruling someone with fear is in itself abusive. She is an abuser. Where I live blackmail is viewed dimly by courts and the police, as are false allegations. I suspect it would be the same where you are. Is it possible to get a recording of her making these threats?
I would suggest that you read around on the friends and family area here - there are things called 'stickies' which are a good place to start. I suspect that it would be a good move to consult a legal adviser. Perhaps even a counsellor.
Have you considered moving into that second home of yours. Maybe even getting cctv installed so it will act as witness to your whereabouts if she decides to carry out her threats. As much as you dont want to give up on your marriage, staying there and allowing her to abuse you isn't doing much to save it at the moment. It's just making you more miserable, and stopping her from facing the consequences of her alcoholism. Most alcoholics only make that decision to seek sobriety when their drinking starts to cause THEM more problems than it offers solutions. At the moment it's on my causing YOU problems. And that's not going to trouble her too much while she's guzzling vodka.
Contacting her family isn't going to do much apart from antagonize the situation. And it's no more their job to take care of her than it is yours. Only SHE can decide to get sober and work on her recovery. And until she decides that she wants to get better there is nothing anyone can do.
I also think AlAnon is worth a good try. It sounds like some friends close by who understand what you're going through, who you can speak to with frankness and confidentiality would make a big difference to how bearable life it's right now.
BB
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by soberista
Hello. I am 5 weeks sober so a relative newbie. My partner sent me a message last year after one of my sessions saying if i carried on drinking he would have to consider wether or not to stay in our relationship. Still didnt stop me. In fact i messaged him back and said if you are asking me if i am ever going to drink again then i cannot say for definate i wont. My alcoholic voice still ruling the roost at that point. Now 5 weeks sober i think to myself that had the shoe been on the other foot and it had been him who had been drinking like i was well quite frankly i would have left him!! I think unfortunately your wife has reached the point where if you read the threads on here people say i lost my partner, my kids , etc. Maybe that will be the wake up call she needs. Until the point where she makes the decision to turn her life around there is nothing you can do and self preservation needs to be what you focus on. Dont let this damage your life and work situation. All the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
27F, it sounds to me like things are far down the road w/your wife. Educating yourself about alcoholism and what you can and can't do about it would be an important step, as it seems you are pretty much in the dark. "Knowledge is power", as one of our members likes to say.
Two great resources for this are Alanon--link to worldwide site here: http://al-anon.org -- and the SR "Family and Friends" section, link here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ At the top of the page, there is a list of "stickies", which is info and discussions that are so helpful that the decision was made to keep them all in one place for easy reference.
Reading around the F&F section, you're almost certain to find stories that resonate w/you. I believe we have one member in particular whose posts you may benefit from reading.
I hope to see you posting and reading over in F&F soon. Take care of yourself, and please, realize that that you cannot reason away or love away the disease of alcoholism. If that was possible, this site wouldn't need to exist.
Two great resources for this are Alanon--link to worldwide site here: http://al-anon.org -- and the SR "Family and Friends" section, link here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ At the top of the page, there is a list of "stickies", which is info and discussions that are so helpful that the decision was made to keep them all in one place for easy reference.
Reading around the F&F section, you're almost certain to find stories that resonate w/you. I believe we have one member in particular whose posts you may benefit from reading.
I hope to see you posting and reading over in F&F soon. Take care of yourself, and please, realize that that you cannot reason away or love away the disease of alcoholism. If that was possible, this site wouldn't need to exist.
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