What to do when siblings show up on your doorstep?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2
What to do when siblings show up on your doorstep?
So my sister is an alcoholic and has been for about 15 years. She has been to rehab numerous times and the last time, she came home with an addiction to cough syrup, which caused her to have hallucinations and to be taken to the hospital where they said she was having a psychotic episode. She lives with my mom, dad, and older brother, who is not an alcoholic, but is a freeloader. He hasn't worked since he was 16 and he is now 32 years old. My sister also can't hold down a job because of her alcohol issues. I live over 3 hours away from them where I work and live with my fiance in our first house that we purchased last year.
My mother has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 and my dad has kidney disease. Both are over 70 years old and not in good health.
That being said, I am worried because my mom is enabling my sister by paying her credit card bill, which my sister is using to go and buy alcohol and cough syrup. My mom has no backbone with either of my siblings and has enabled them to do absolutely nothing for the last 10 years. I don't think it's fair that she still has to deal with this at her age and in her health. I want to help her but she doesn't want my siblings to be upset with her by giving them "tough love."
I spend countless nights worrying about what will happen when my parents pass away. They all live in a big house which will be sold by the state with profits going me and my 4 siblings equally. The amount will be small as they still owe quite a bit on the house. I have crippling student loan debts of almost $1000/mth and being in our first house, finances are pretty tight still. We'd like to have kids one day but I'm afraid if my mom doesn't try to push my siblings towards independence, they will show up on my door one day and I will have to pick between having kids of my own or supporting them. I will not be able to pay their car payment or insurance so they won't have any transportation in order to get a job. My sister will probably end up stealing so she can get her alcohol fix, and if she continues with the cough syrup, I can't be sure she won't hallucinate and accidentally burn the whole house down. I literally have to call my mother and brother at home when I suspect she is on something so they can make sure to check the oven and stove before they go to bed.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if there is a way to push my sister towards independence when she isn't willing to work on her addiction. I have tried to tell my mom to at least stop funding the addiction by paying for her credit card, but she won't stop. My brother says he is going to school online but I think it is just an excuse to keep living with my parents.
I feel very selfish when I say this, but if feel that when I finally get my head above water financially, they will both be on my doorstep, and I'll never be able to have children of my own because I'll be dealing with my adult siblings. I am the youngest in the family (28) and these two siblings are closest to me in age (29 & 32). My oldest brother (48) doesn't care for my siblings and won't even speak to them and my second oldest brother (44) lives in another country. I wish I could just step away from all of this but could I really shut the door on my own siblings? I just wish my parents could be more active in trying to push them in the right direction while they still have a roof over their head.
Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry if I sound angry in this post. It's just so frustrating and I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to shut the door and let them find their own way in life, and part of me thinks that would be a horrible thing to do. One way or another, they WILL show up on my door one day if they continue on their current path. They will have nowhere else to go.
My mother has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 and my dad has kidney disease. Both are over 70 years old and not in good health.
That being said, I am worried because my mom is enabling my sister by paying her credit card bill, which my sister is using to go and buy alcohol and cough syrup. My mom has no backbone with either of my siblings and has enabled them to do absolutely nothing for the last 10 years. I don't think it's fair that she still has to deal with this at her age and in her health. I want to help her but she doesn't want my siblings to be upset with her by giving them "tough love."
I spend countless nights worrying about what will happen when my parents pass away. They all live in a big house which will be sold by the state with profits going me and my 4 siblings equally. The amount will be small as they still owe quite a bit on the house. I have crippling student loan debts of almost $1000/mth and being in our first house, finances are pretty tight still. We'd like to have kids one day but I'm afraid if my mom doesn't try to push my siblings towards independence, they will show up on my door one day and I will have to pick between having kids of my own or supporting them. I will not be able to pay their car payment or insurance so they won't have any transportation in order to get a job. My sister will probably end up stealing so she can get her alcohol fix, and if she continues with the cough syrup, I can't be sure she won't hallucinate and accidentally burn the whole house down. I literally have to call my mother and brother at home when I suspect she is on something so they can make sure to check the oven and stove before they go to bed.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if there is a way to push my sister towards independence when she isn't willing to work on her addiction. I have tried to tell my mom to at least stop funding the addiction by paying for her credit card, but she won't stop. My brother says he is going to school online but I think it is just an excuse to keep living with my parents.
I feel very selfish when I say this, but if feel that when I finally get my head above water financially, they will both be on my doorstep, and I'll never be able to have children of my own because I'll be dealing with my adult siblings. I am the youngest in the family (28) and these two siblings are closest to me in age (29 & 32). My oldest brother (48) doesn't care for my siblings and won't even speak to them and my second oldest brother (44) lives in another country. I wish I could just step away from all of this but could I really shut the door on my own siblings? I just wish my parents could be more active in trying to push them in the right direction while they still have a roof over their head.
Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry if I sound angry in this post. It's just so frustrating and I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to shut the door and let them find their own way in life, and part of me thinks that would be a horrible thing to do. One way or another, they WILL show up on my door one day if they continue on their current path. They will have nowhere else to go.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Hi Soulcanary. First things first, Relax. None of what you have pictured happening has actually happened yet, right? And a lot of times the stuff we imagine happening never does. Even if they should, you are under no obligation to support your siblings, even if they are family. They are ADULTS. Their lives and the quality of them are directly their responsibility. Sometimes tough love (as you put it) is the only way of getting thru. But in the meantime, try to relax and keep doing what you're doing to take care of you. You have your own life and your own dreams to pursue. You don't owe them anything, and you certainly don't have to take them in or take care of them. Sounds to me like they are both perfectly capable of providing for themselves if they CHOSE to. If they choose not to, that's their own issue. Not yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Soulcanary.
Welcome.
I know how you are feeling.
I used to feel the same way about my drinking sib, who lives with my mother.
I don’t anymore.
His choices were and are his to make. Same with my mother, who chose to have him stay with her instead of kicking his sorry butt to the curb.
It is what it is. Our parents make choices and that’s the way it goes.
But we do not, repeat, do not have to continue living those choices as if it’s some enabling legacy.
Your parents aren’t going to change at this point. Neither are your two mooching sibs.
They have formed an enmeshed relationship that, for whatever reason, works for them in a sad and sick way.
You can develop boundaries for yourself that will help you down the road should somebody show up on your door.
There is a ton of good info on this site about recognizing addictive manipulation and how not to get pulled in.
They are called stickies and are posted at the top of every forum.
Read. Learn. Knowledge is power.
And start flexing those NO muscles. They will serve you well in time.
Welcome.
I know how you are feeling.
I used to feel the same way about my drinking sib, who lives with my mother.
I don’t anymore.
His choices were and are his to make. Same with my mother, who chose to have him stay with her instead of kicking his sorry butt to the curb.
It is what it is. Our parents make choices and that’s the way it goes.
But we do not, repeat, do not have to continue living those choices as if it’s some enabling legacy.
Your parents aren’t going to change at this point. Neither are your two mooching sibs.
They have formed an enmeshed relationship that, for whatever reason, works for them in a sad and sick way.
You can develop boundaries for yourself that will help you down the road should somebody show up on your door.
There is a ton of good info on this site about recognizing addictive manipulation and how not to get pulled in.
They are called stickies and are posted at the top of every forum.
Read. Learn. Knowledge is power.
And start flexing those NO muscles. They will serve you well in time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 78
I have addict/ alcoholic siblings too with enabling parents. I got to the point with my family that I was so angry I was barely talking to them and my own alcoholism really picked up. I started counseling and AA, and I’ve learned to draw boundaries.
You are not responsible for your adult siblings and you are not responsible for your parents enabling them. We all make choices and we all have to live with them. The only choices you can make are your own.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I know it is very painful. I would suggest counseling or al-anon.
You are not responsible for your adult siblings and you are not responsible for your parents enabling them. We all make choices and we all have to live with them. The only choices you can make are your own.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I know it is very painful. I would suggest counseling or al-anon.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Hi soulcanary 
I understand you worrying and thinking about these things and scenarios yet to happen, but the reality is this is not your circus.
Your folks are allowed to make bad decisions, just like your siblings.
You've obviously tried to intervene before and got the clear message back from you mom that she doesn't want your siblings 'upset'.
There's nothing you can do about that.
It's not what I'd want for my mum either but health issues aside she sounds like she's of sound mind, and capable of treating others the way she wants.
Sometimes you just have shrug and accept things the way they are.
If things change and god forbid your mom or dad passes then you can deal with your siblings then and let them know the gravy train has stopped.
D
I understand you worrying and thinking about these things and scenarios yet to happen, but the reality is this is not your circus.
Your folks are allowed to make bad decisions, just like your siblings.
You've obviously tried to intervene before and got the clear message back from you mom that she doesn't want your siblings 'upset'.
There's nothing you can do about that.
It's not what I'd want for my mum either but health issues aside she sounds like she's of sound mind, and capable of treating others the way she wants.
Sometimes you just have shrug and accept things the way they are.
If things change and god forbid your mom or dad passes then you can deal with your siblings then and let them know the gravy train has stopped.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome. I'm glad you found us.
You might find exploring the friends and family area here. Many have walked this path before you and will be able to offer experience, strength and hope.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Have you ever considered or tried AlAnon meetings. They would be a great place to start getting your head round the issue of boundaries, control and responsibilities so you're ready to deal with this situation if and when it comes up, and so you don't spend any time worrying about it unecessary time and energy stressing about it.
Hope you stick around and keep reading and posting.
BB
You might find exploring the friends and family area here. Many have walked this path before you and will be able to offer experience, strength and hope.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Have you ever considered or tried AlAnon meetings. They would be a great place to start getting your head round the issue of boundaries, control and responsibilities so you're ready to deal with this situation if and when it comes up, and so you don't spend any time worrying about it unecessary time and energy stressing about it.
Hope you stick around and keep reading and posting.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you all
It really helps to get some perspective from others about this and I feel like there is a pretty good consensus not to get too wrapped up in this situation. I wish there were a way to prevent what I feel is going to happen but you all are right. At the end of the day, I have no control over what my parents decide to do or the path my siblings take. I'm going to hope things work out and I never have to worry about this. I'll check out the other forums also. Thanks a lot for the response!
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