My partner has a cocaine addiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
My partner has a cocaine addiction
Hi I am new to the forums I have been with my partner for ten years and he has a cocaine addiction. When we first met his addiction wasn't a regular thing was just a one off here and there on a night out, but as the years have gone on it's rapidly become a daily addiction! For ten years I have argued and battled with him to quit cocaine or get help. Then in 2016 he come clean to his dad who he was conning money out of every week, I thought this was a turning point he started going to group counselling and was attending the doctors but this soon fizzled out as he said the people there are all junkies!?!? So he continued with his lies and cocaine abuse till we are here today where I have bought cocaine urine tests, after 5 days of him being "clean" we did the first test, it came back positive which I expected as he is a regular user and some sites say it can take upto 14 days to get out of a regular users system so last night at 16 days he was due to do another one I asked him and he said he'd do one later (this is a regular response to get me to give up! I have had the tests for a year and is only now he has actually done one!) so not letting the chance pass he went to the toilet as usual before bed and like most men urinated on the seat, so as bad as it may seem I took this as an opportunity and did the test! And he failed again! I've confronted him and his response is it shouldn't be positive and you can't do it that way? But **** is **** right? So I have given him until sunday which will be 22 days of supposedly being clean! Has anyone had experience with urine drug tests? And how long should it be to the point when cocaine should be completely gone from his system?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello!
I am sorry for what brings you here and for what I am about to say. He is not going to get cleaned for you or for his family, he will only get clean when he is ready to do it for himself. Now you face the decision of what to do with the only things that you can control, which are yourself and your actions.
There’s a friends and family forum where you can find advice from people in your shoes. You have spent 10 years in this situation... do you have any support for yourself?
You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.
I am sorry for what brings you here and for what I am about to say. He is not going to get cleaned for you or for his family, he will only get clean when he is ready to do it for himself. Now you face the decision of what to do with the only things that you can control, which are yourself and your actions.
There’s a friends and family forum where you can find advice from people in your shoes. You have spent 10 years in this situation... do you have any support for yourself?
You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I would not set myself up as his parent or drug police. This is an unhealthy dynamic for a romantic relationship and it's causing resentment and anger.
Let go of trying to find out. You know what you know, and trying to control it is going to make YOU crazy.
Can you get some support for yourself? Counseling? Recovery meetings for family? You're going to get sucked further in and there's no amount of snooping that will fix this. He has to do recovery on his own when he's ready. I know the more someone pushes me, the more I go the other way.
Let go of trying to find out. You know what you know, and trying to control it is going to make YOU crazy.
Can you get some support for yourself? Counseling? Recovery meetings for family? You're going to get sucked further in and there's no amount of snooping that will fix this. He has to do recovery on his own when he's ready. I know the more someone pushes me, the more I go the other way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
The only support I have his from his family but there quick enough to moan about him but nobody says anything to him they continue to give him money and when there told straight what he has conned money off them for they just act as if nothing has happened! He says he wants to quit but he tells me it's like a routine to him! He goes to work and gets some on the way home? I've told him I hate going on at him and checking up on him all the while, I'm willing for our relationship to not work out if the outcome is him quitting. So I have told him that he has one month to be able to do a clear test if this does not happen he's out the house and will only see our children when he can pass a test, I am not bothered if he hates me as this is all for his own good. If he was to get clean and move on with another person I would just feel
Relieved as he is not a bad person and is a good dad he just doesn't know how to stop
Relieved as he is not a bad person and is a good dad he just doesn't know how to stop
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Bubble0910 
The only support I have his from his family but there quick enough to moan about him but nobody says anything to him they continue to give him money and when there told straight what he has conned money off them for they just act as if nothing has happened! He says he wants to quit but he tells me it's like a routine to him! He goes to work and gets some on the way home? I've told him I hate going on at him and checking up on him all the while, I'm willing for our relationship to not work out if the outcome is him quitting. So I have told him that he has one month to be able to do a clear test if this does not happen he's out the house and will only see our children when he can pass a test, I am not bothered if he hates me as this is all for his own good. If he was to get clean and move on with another person I would just feel
Relieved as he is not a bad person and is a good dad he just doesn't know how to stop
Relieved as he is not a bad person and is a good dad he just doesn't know how to stop
Again..please ask this in the F&F section and get some support for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by DontRemember
You should post this in the friends and family section,BUT... I was NEVER addicted to cocaine,however I've probably snorted my weight of it throughout the years. The question YOU..again..YOU.. need to ask is ; how much more can YOU handle? I mean you're doing 'CSI' type stuff on a toilet seat! Is that what you want in your life? I'm sorry, but that's not normal and or even acceptable relationship material for me. Run! Is my advice.
Again..please ask this in the F&F section and get some support for yourself.
Again..please ask this in the F&F section and get some support for yourself.
To be honest it's not what a relationship should be? But how can there ever be a relationship when addictions are involved? The addiction takes over a persons life where that's there number one priority and therefore everyone who is in a relationship with an addict it is all one sided to the clean person. I might sound crazy going to these measures but when he lies until he's blue in the face he can't lie when it's there in front of him for a fact. It would never be a relationship until the addict overcomes there addiction but this does not mean I will give up? And if it all fails in the end at least I tried. My sister was a heroin addict at 15 and after being on her case for a few years she finally accepted the help she's now 35 and has been clean since I didn't give up on her and I won't for my partner either
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Bubble0910
To be honest it's not what a relationship should be? But how can there ever be a relationship when addictions are involved? The addiction takes over a persons life where that's there number one priority and therefore everyone who is in a relationship with an addict it is all one sided to the clean person. I might sound crazy going to these measures but when he lies until he's blue in the face he can't lie when it's there in front of him for a fact. It would never be a relationship until the addict overcomes there addiction but this does not mean I will give up? And if it all fails in the end at least I tried. My sister was a heroin addict at 15 and after being on her case for a few years she finally accepted the help she's now 35 and has been clean since I didn't give up on her and I won't for my partner either
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
To answer your question about "how can there be a relationship with addiction involved"? Unless you accept being 2nd-6th place while the DOC is #1.. There can't be a healthy relationship. You cannot save him. Seriously..if your sister is heavily in recovery..talk to her about it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My sister was a heroin addict at 15 and after being on her case for a few years she finally accepted the help she's now 35 and has been clean since I didn't give up on her and I won't for my partner either
that sounds like YOU had all the power over HER addiction and at your command she stopped.
SHE had to make that choice. yes you may have "been on her case" but ultimately SHE is the one that put down the drugs.
you've ON your partner for 10 years and his addiction is getting worse. and it's brought you to swiping urine off a toilet seat to prove he's still using.
that sounds like YOU had all the power over HER addiction and at your command she stopped.
SHE had to make that choice. yes you may have "been on her case" but ultimately SHE is the one that put down the drugs.
you've ON your partner for 10 years and his addiction is getting worse. and it's brought you to swiping urine off a toilet seat to prove he's still using.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
