Until now....but why?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
Until now....but why?
Hello everyone,
I joined this group yesterday so am still finding my way around the forum/chats. I apologize if I'm missing something, or not following the posting protocols. Not even sure that I'm in the right place, but have read some of your amazing, inspiring words and know that you all make sense. You are kind, strong and supportive.
Today is my 4th day sober having previously had a drink almost every day for 12 years (which was a dry period during pregnancy). Prior to that I was a binge drinker with regular blackouts. I was an ugly drunk. Recent times I have switched to moderate drinking every day. No more blackouts, but no more strings of dry days either....until now.
I have worked a lot with my therapist to explore why I drink, I'm on antidepressants for anxiety and depression which so far are working well, but haven't taken away my need to drink...until now.
Right now I don't want to drink. Yesterday I didn't want to drink, nor the day before that. A great start I know.... but I'm terrified that everything will come crashing down and I'll go right back to my wine. I have no idea why this is happening now, but I'm so pleased.
What can I do to continue this run? I'm taking it hour by hour, and testing myself by trying to picture a glass... so far it hasn't triggered anything. Why? I know there's no magic wand, so what the heck?!! Please don't think I'm complaining, I'm not! Just trying to my very best to make this last. Don't want to make a fuss about it with my husband in case I fail and disappoint him. Feels like a secret so far. A very unnerving, exciting and scary secret.
Thanks for listening.
I wish you all well.
I joined this group yesterday so am still finding my way around the forum/chats. I apologize if I'm missing something, or not following the posting protocols. Not even sure that I'm in the right place, but have read some of your amazing, inspiring words and know that you all make sense. You are kind, strong and supportive.
Today is my 4th day sober having previously had a drink almost every day for 12 years (which was a dry period during pregnancy). Prior to that I was a binge drinker with regular blackouts. I was an ugly drunk. Recent times I have switched to moderate drinking every day. No more blackouts, but no more strings of dry days either....until now.
I have worked a lot with my therapist to explore why I drink, I'm on antidepressants for anxiety and depression which so far are working well, but haven't taken away my need to drink...until now.
Right now I don't want to drink. Yesterday I didn't want to drink, nor the day before that. A great start I know.... but I'm terrified that everything will come crashing down and I'll go right back to my wine. I have no idea why this is happening now, but I'm so pleased.
What can I do to continue this run? I'm taking it hour by hour, and testing myself by trying to picture a glass... so far it hasn't triggered anything. Why? I know there's no magic wand, so what the heck?!! Please don't think I'm complaining, I'm not! Just trying to my very best to make this last. Don't want to make a fuss about it with my husband in case I fail and disappoint him. Feels like a secret so far. A very unnerving, exciting and scary secret.
Thanks for listening.
I wish you all well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Hi and welcome. I tried to half heartedly quit a few times since joining here a few years ago and I'd string some days/wks together,get overly confident I could drink 'normal' and would end up drinking more than ever,each time. Then bad stuff started happening in my life because of my drinking and I didn't like the person I had become. It took a solid recovery plan for me to get the year sober I have now. I was court ordered to AA and that started me off on my sober journey. Lately I mainly use this site for support and even just reading others threads/replies is really helpful. Also, best to post here BEFORE you drink, instead of after. Welcome again!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Congratulations on Day 4!
It's likely that there will be ups and downs in your life that will challenge you at some point, but you can be prepared.
It's always a good idea to have a recovery plan in place and to have things you do each day, such as exercise or meditation, which help to support your recovery.
It's likely that there will be ups and downs in your life that will challenge you at some point, but you can be prepared.
It's always a good idea to have a recovery plan in place and to have things you do each day, such as exercise or meditation, which help to support your recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Posting here at SR really helped me break that cycle of feel bad..'stop drinking...feel good again...back to drinking...feel bad...etc'
Just knowing I had support and understand here helped me admit I had a severe problem and that not drinking anymore was the way out of this old and well entrenched conundrum.
I turned my life around - I know you can too Enough
D
Just knowing I had support and understand here helped me admit I had a severe problem and that not drinking anymore was the way out of this old and well entrenched conundrum.
I turned my life around - I know you can too Enough
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I personally don't believe it's necessary to sort out all the, "whys," before quitting. As a matter of fact the only way for me to tackle my life problems (past, present, and future) was to stop applying alcohol to them.
If drinking is causing problems, NOT drinking is the solution, right?
The backstory can be filled in later. Fact is, some people are biologically prone to compulsive drinking. *raises hand*
There is no reason to pick up a drink any more in my life. Quitting was a starting point for sorting out all the rest.
If drinking is causing problems, NOT drinking is the solution, right?
The backstory can be filled in later. Fact is, some people are biologically prone to compulsive drinking. *raises hand*
There is no reason to pick up a drink any more in my life. Quitting was a starting point for sorting out all the rest.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Welcome, Enough. I am so glad you're here--SR is a great place for advice and support. You could join the class of January--just scroll down newcomers to recovery to find it--it's on the first page.
Wishing you much peace and strength on your sober journey.
Wishing you much peace and strength on your sober journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Surprised your therapist hasn't discussed a recovery plan with you. Addictions can't be cured with medications.
I didn't begin to get better and have a chance at staying sober until I had a plan and worked it.
I didn't begin to get better and have a chance at staying sober until I had a plan and worked it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Glad you found us and are here and posting.
I think we all have a desire to slap some reasons on our drinking (rationalisation- and looking for sanity in actions where there is none). Thing is, understanding that our drinking was a faulty solution to whatever problem only gets us so far. It is not the same thing as recovery. In recovery we learn new and better tools for living. Ones that equip us to deal with life on life's terms.
In AA I realised we may have all had different problems or issues (although there was a huge amount of overlap in the things that have affected us, as far as I can tell from those folk who do wish to openly discuss such matters). But the thing we all had in common was that alcohol stopped fixing it (if it ever did at all even in the beginning). Testimony to that was found in the step 1 inventories, where we looked at where drinking takes us and how unmanageable it makes various aspects of our lives. From relatiinships, to unhealed hurts from the past, to financial and career and being able to stick to the law - all kinda ways. But that was just step 1 out of 12. The other steps are all about finding those better ways of living and thinking and being.
Whatever reasons we gave for our drinking, when it comes to the crunch, we drank because we thought it could be a solution (to whatever). Elsewhere in the world those very same things happened to non-alcoholics and they found different ways of dealing with it. We don't drink because of x, y or z. We drink because we believe (erroniously) that it will solve the problem of x, y or z. Its an inside job. Unless someone was opening our mouths and tipping the stuff in, it was our choice to drink. And mostly we drank for good as well as bad reasons. Or for no good reason as well. It's what we did. And learning to not do it comes hard. But it can be done.
I hope you decide to get together a recovery plan and start working on this as well as the counselling. And I hope you keep reading and posting as well.
BB
I think we all have a desire to slap some reasons on our drinking (rationalisation- and looking for sanity in actions where there is none). Thing is, understanding that our drinking was a faulty solution to whatever problem only gets us so far. It is not the same thing as recovery. In recovery we learn new and better tools for living. Ones that equip us to deal with life on life's terms.
In AA I realised we may have all had different problems or issues (although there was a huge amount of overlap in the things that have affected us, as far as I can tell from those folk who do wish to openly discuss such matters). But the thing we all had in common was that alcohol stopped fixing it (if it ever did at all even in the beginning). Testimony to that was found in the step 1 inventories, where we looked at where drinking takes us and how unmanageable it makes various aspects of our lives. From relatiinships, to unhealed hurts from the past, to financial and career and being able to stick to the law - all kinda ways. But that was just step 1 out of 12. The other steps are all about finding those better ways of living and thinking and being.
Whatever reasons we gave for our drinking, when it comes to the crunch, we drank because we thought it could be a solution (to whatever). Elsewhere in the world those very same things happened to non-alcoholics and they found different ways of dealing with it. We don't drink because of x, y or z. We drink because we believe (erroniously) that it will solve the problem of x, y or z. Its an inside job. Unless someone was opening our mouths and tipping the stuff in, it was our choice to drink. And mostly we drank for good as well as bad reasons. Or for no good reason as well. It's what we did. And learning to not do it comes hard. But it can be done.
I hope you decide to get together a recovery plan and start working on this as well as the counselling. And I hope you keep reading and posting as well.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
Glad you found us and are here and posting.
I think we all have a desire to slap some reasons on our drinking (rationalisation- and looking for sanity in actions where there is none). Thing is, understanding that our drinking was a faulty solution to whatever problem only gets us so far. It is not the same thing as recovery. In recovery we learn new and better tools for living. Ones that equip us to deal with life on life's terms.
In AA I realised we may have all had different problems or issues (although there was a huge amount of overlap in the things that have affected us, as far as I can tell from those folk who do wish to openly discuss such matters). But the thing we all had in common was that alcohol stopped fixing it (if it ever did at all even in the beginning). Testimony to that was found in the step 1 inventories, where we looked at where drinking takes us and how unmanageable it makes various aspects of our lives. From relatiinships, to unhealed hurts from the past, to financial and career and being able to stick to the law - all kinda ways. But that was just step 1 out of 12. The other steps are all about finding those better ways of living and thinking and being.
Whatever reasons we gave for our drinking, when it comes to the crunch, we drank because we thought it could be a solution (to whatever). Elsewhere in the world those very same things happened to non-alcoholics and they found different ways of dealing with it. We don't drink because of x, y or z. We drink because we believe (erroniously) that it will solve the problem of x, y or z. Its an inside job. Unless someone was opening our mouths and tipping the stuff in, it was our choice to drink. And mostly we drank for good as well as bad reasons. Or for no good reason as well. It's what we did. And learning to not do it comes hard. But it can be done.
I hope you decide to get together a recovery plan and start working on this as well as the counselling. And I hope you keep reading and posting as well.
BB
I think we all have a desire to slap some reasons on our drinking (rationalisation- and looking for sanity in actions where there is none). Thing is, understanding that our drinking was a faulty solution to whatever problem only gets us so far. It is not the same thing as recovery. In recovery we learn new and better tools for living. Ones that equip us to deal with life on life's terms.
In AA I realised we may have all had different problems or issues (although there was a huge amount of overlap in the things that have affected us, as far as I can tell from those folk who do wish to openly discuss such matters). But the thing we all had in common was that alcohol stopped fixing it (if it ever did at all even in the beginning). Testimony to that was found in the step 1 inventories, where we looked at where drinking takes us and how unmanageable it makes various aspects of our lives. From relatiinships, to unhealed hurts from the past, to financial and career and being able to stick to the law - all kinda ways. But that was just step 1 out of 12. The other steps are all about finding those better ways of living and thinking and being.
Whatever reasons we gave for our drinking, when it comes to the crunch, we drank because we thought it could be a solution (to whatever). Elsewhere in the world those very same things happened to non-alcoholics and they found different ways of dealing with it. We don't drink because of x, y or z. We drink because we believe (erroniously) that it will solve the problem of x, y or z. Its an inside job. Unless someone was opening our mouths and tipping the stuff in, it was our choice to drink. And mostly we drank for good as well as bad reasons. Or for no good reason as well. It's what we did. And learning to not do it comes hard. But it can be done.
I hope you decide to get together a recovery plan and start working on this as well as the counselling. And I hope you keep reading and posting as well.
BB
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
Omgosh, I could have written your post.
After a long period of heavy drinking and trying to quit . . white knuckling . . . drinking again . . . withdrawing . . . drinking . . . craving, caving, etc . . . cycle, I just went into a period of heavy moderation. I drank many days when I had no real desire, but it's what I did. Habit? Whatev . . . I'm an alcoholic.
Fourteen days ago I decided to quit again. Wasn't nursing a hangover, but certainly had drank too much at my own bday party. I just woke up and couldn't see having another drink.
So I braced for the withdrawal stuff. Nothing. I was ready to combat the cravings. Nothing.
I don't know why this time is different. I suspect the heavy (heavy) moderation might play a part.
Still, I'm very early in on this recovery stuff. I'm still bracing myself. I know I will be challenged. This isn't going to be a cake walk. And I have started putting together a recovery plan.
It's scary. This is like walking a tight rope.
I think we are all right though. Not struggling (this time) with all the usual withdrawal stuff doesn't mean we don't appreciate the difficulties we face. The secrete I think . . . might be not getting complacent even when we aren't struggling.
I don't know any answers. But I did want to let you know I know EXACTLY what you are saying.
After a long period of heavy drinking and trying to quit . . white knuckling . . . drinking again . . . withdrawing . . . drinking . . . craving, caving, etc . . . cycle, I just went into a period of heavy moderation. I drank many days when I had no real desire, but it's what I did. Habit? Whatev . . . I'm an alcoholic.
Fourteen days ago I decided to quit again. Wasn't nursing a hangover, but certainly had drank too much at my own bday party. I just woke up and couldn't see having another drink.
So I braced for the withdrawal stuff. Nothing. I was ready to combat the cravings. Nothing.
I don't know why this time is different. I suspect the heavy (heavy) moderation might play a part.
Still, I'm very early in on this recovery stuff. I'm still bracing myself. I know I will be challenged. This isn't going to be a cake walk. And I have started putting together a recovery plan.
It's scary. This is like walking a tight rope.
I think we are all right though. Not struggling (this time) with all the usual withdrawal stuff doesn't mean we don't appreciate the difficulties we face. The secrete I think . . . might be not getting complacent even when we aren't struggling.
I don't know any answers. But I did want to let you know I know EXACTLY what you are saying.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
Congrats on day 4!
I never had anything bad happen while drinking, the odd verbal spat with my husband, but I knew I was drinking more than I should.
Multiple times I would do dry months, stop drinking for a month. I quit like nothing for pregnancy. I guess I was trying to convince myself I didn't have a problem - I can count on one hand the number of times I blacked out in my life. However I also knew, I drank too much, it was an issue with my husband because between lack of sleep, poor diet and hangovers I couldn't manage my time right. I knew I needed to make a change and a month isn't going to cut it. So in October, I decided on another month, by November 01 (I started 3/4 of the way through Oct), I decided two months, which meant, I could drink at Christmas. After that I decided, one year. I need some work done on me anyways, I'm 42, time for a tune-up So I extended the plan for a year. In that time, I know we are travelling, a couple larger trips, but we go away at least one weekend a month, what will each trip look like, what will I do, how will I not drink. I know what work I need to have done on me, I know the timeline, how will that effect and will there be any chances to compromise my sobriety, if so, how will I deal with them? After my divorce, my husband and I started over, we want to change our home. I want a newer house, within 10 years old, I want better property, nicer barns So we're doing that this year, but how do I stay sober and watch out for pitfalls.
You need to set goals, plan, and it might be day by day, week to week, month to month, or year to year. At least that was how I did it. I didn't quit drinking because I was ill, although I had some tummy troubles, but I also loved spicy food when drinking, so you know column A or B... My husband wasn't going to divorce me, my kids are great and do exceptionally well, I manage my businesses, I do my charity work, but I have an issue with booze. I was raised very proper, women do not drink more than a few sips in public, your reputation is paramount and I live that. However, I am 42, I am a mother and I needed to grow the eff up and stop acting like a hypocrite and be better. I needed to be the woman who other people think I am and that lady is not a drunk.
It takes time, you have to look at different recovery methods, there are tons. See what resonates with you, what you can get on board with. Treat yourself well, eat well, exercise a bit. You can do it. It's your recovery, your plan and it's a pathway to a big, bright, beautiful life for you and your family.
Edited to add: Christmas and New Years were awesome sober! We went to concerts, ate good food, watched great movies, I remember all the conversations. I can't wait for Easter and summer!
I never had anything bad happen while drinking, the odd verbal spat with my husband, but I knew I was drinking more than I should.
Multiple times I would do dry months, stop drinking for a month. I quit like nothing for pregnancy. I guess I was trying to convince myself I didn't have a problem - I can count on one hand the number of times I blacked out in my life. However I also knew, I drank too much, it was an issue with my husband because between lack of sleep, poor diet and hangovers
I couldn't manage my time right. I knew I needed to make a change and a month isn't going to cut it. So in October, I decided on another month, by November 01 (I started 3/4 of the way through Oct), I decided two months, which meant, I could drink at Christmas. After that I decided, one year. I need some work done on me anyways, I'm 42, time for a tune-up So I extended the plan for a year. In that time, I know we are travelling, a couple larger trips, but we go away at least one weekend a month, what will each trip look like, what will I do, how will I not drink. I know what work I need to have done on me, I know the timeline, how will that effect and will there be any chances to compromise my sobriety, if so, how will I deal with them? After my divorce, my husband and I started over, we want to change our home. I want a newer house, within 10 years old, I want better property, nicer barns So we're doing that this year, but how do I stay sober and watch out for pitfalls.You need to set goals, plan, and it might be day by day, week to week, month to month, or year to year. At least that was how I did it. I didn't quit drinking because I was ill, although I had some tummy troubles, but I also loved spicy food when drinking, so you know column A or B... My husband wasn't going to divorce me, my kids are great and do exceptionally well, I manage my businesses, I do my charity work, but I have an issue with booze. I was raised very proper, women do not drink more than a few sips in public, your reputation is paramount and I live that. However, I am 42, I am a mother and I needed to grow the eff up and stop acting like a hypocrite and be better. I needed to be the woman who other people think I am and that lady is not a drunk.
It takes time, you have to look at different recovery methods, there are tons. See what resonates with you, what you can get on board with. Treat yourself well, eat well, exercise a bit. You can do it. It's your recovery, your plan and it's a pathway to a big, bright, beautiful life for you and your family.
Edited to add: Christmas and New Years were awesome sober! We went to concerts, ate good food, watched great movies, I remember all the conversations. I can't wait for Easter and summer!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
but why?
i spent quite a few years passing in after a rip snortin blackout drunk asking that.
many,many times it was
-because i had a good day at work
-because i had a bad day at work
-sons' mom was being a bugger
-vehicle broke down
-name a holiday-good reason to drink
-its friday and i drink on days that end in "Y"
-plus a jillion more
then alcoholism progressed:
"why did i do that AGAIN?"
"how did i end up like that AGAIN?"
then when i finally got help without having the answer- just knowing what alcohol was doing, i got the answer, which was quite simple:
because i am an alcoholic and had untreated alcoholism.
i spent quite a few years passing in after a rip snortin blackout drunk asking that.
many,many times it was
-because i had a good day at work
-because i had a bad day at work
-sons' mom was being a bugger
-vehicle broke down
-name a holiday-good reason to drink
-its friday and i drink on days that end in "Y"
-plus a jillion more
then alcoholism progressed:
"why did i do that AGAIN?"
"how did i end up like that AGAIN?"
then when i finally got help without having the answer- just knowing what alcohol was doing, i got the answer, which was quite simple:
because i am an alcoholic and had untreated alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
just don't do what I did. They say don't look for the differences in drinking habits between people. "Hey I never drank in the morning, I'm not as bad as XYZ.". I actually started drinking HEAVIER because I didn't think I was as bad as others. Like I had to first had to make things worse before I could justify going into recovery.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Enough2018
I'm terrified that everything will come crashing down and I'll go right back to my wine.
Anxiety can be a real pain. I was ate up with it when I first got sober. Anxiety is that emotion that tells you it's completely necessary, when in reality it's almost completely useless. I mean, if you're walking across the savannah with your nomadic tribe and there's some saber-toothed tigers lurking about, then being anxious might just save your life. In today's society, though, it's not too helpful.
Congrats on 4 days. It will get easier.
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