Cant believe I am back, and on my hands and knees this time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Cant believe I am back, and on my hands and knees this time
I have been here twice over the past 3-4 years both times quitting for approx 90 days each time. Pretty much the only times I have quit drinking in 30 years. I have been drinking the last 18 months of so since the last time and it has generally been getting worse.
I did a full body medical and it came back ok. Bloods and organs ok. A few small things like elevated cholesterol etc. So being the alcoholic I am I took that as a green light to jump off the deep end. Skip forward a month or so and I just finished 3 days of around then clock drinking at home with my parents in law, wife and young kid in the house asking me to stop. My wife says she considered leaving me. I was blackout drunk, verbally abusive and generally all around disgusting, and that is not like me even when I drink. Then trying to be overly nice and on and on.
I woke up on Monday morning and I know what I could have died. I know you have all heard it 1000 times before but it feels different this time. I am done with drinking. If I don't quit I will lose my family and I will die. I will put a plan together in the next few days when I can stop hating myself even for a few minutes, Got to take a business trip in a few minutes and put on a brave face. This is horrendous. I am a total and complete idiot but I will deal with this.
I did a full body medical and it came back ok. Bloods and organs ok. A few small things like elevated cholesterol etc. So being the alcoholic I am I took that as a green light to jump off the deep end. Skip forward a month or so and I just finished 3 days of around then clock drinking at home with my parents in law, wife and young kid in the house asking me to stop. My wife says she considered leaving me. I was blackout drunk, verbally abusive and generally all around disgusting, and that is not like me even when I drink. Then trying to be overly nice and on and on.
I woke up on Monday morning and I know what I could have died. I know you have all heard it 1000 times before but it feels different this time. I am done with drinking. If I don't quit I will lose my family and I will die. I will put a plan together in the next few days when I can stop hating myself even for a few minutes, Got to take a business trip in a few minutes and put on a brave face. This is horrendous. I am a total and complete idiot but I will deal with this.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,055
It's good to see you back!
I think a plan for recovery might be a good idea--things like reading and posting here regularly or AA meetings.
Congratulations on two days sober--that's the toughest two!
I think a plan for recovery might be a good idea--things like reading and posting here regularly or AA meetings.
Congratulations on two days sober--that's the toughest two!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,100
To start, I like your nickname--I immediately thought of ubuntu 
More seriously though, the cycles you describe are almost to the letter identical to what my last 5 years have been. You're not an idiot by any measure. This has absolutely nothing to do with intellect, moral fiber or weak will. I can say from my experience that being able to stop and assess the current state and the path forward was my pivotal moment for recovery. I thought I was in control each time I relapsed and just ...wasn't. My cycle of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) had to be broken, plain and simple. For me it culminated in rehab, and as of tomorrow I'll have five months sobriety. There is a way forward and having that plan in place is crucial as well as staying connected with this amazing group of people who know what you've dealt and are dealing with.
I hope to hear more of your progress. Take good care!
More seriously though, the cycles you describe are almost to the letter identical to what my last 5 years have been. You're not an idiot by any measure. This has absolutely nothing to do with intellect, moral fiber or weak will. I can say from my experience that being able to stop and assess the current state and the path forward was my pivotal moment for recovery. I thought I was in control each time I relapsed and just ...wasn't. My cycle of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) had to be broken, plain and simple. For me it culminated in rehab, and as of tomorrow I'll have five months sobriety. There is a way forward and having that plan in place is crucial as well as staying connected with this amazing group of people who know what you've dealt and are dealing with.
I hope to hear more of your progress. Take good care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by TheToddman 
To start, I like your nickname--I immediately thought of ubuntu
More seriously though, the cycles you describe are almost to the letter identical to what my last 5 years have been. You're not an idiot by any measure. This has absolutely nothing to do with intellect, moral fiber or weak will. I can say from my experience that being able to stop and assess the current state and the path forward was my pivotal moment for recovery. I thought I was in control each time I relapsed and just ...wasn't. My cycle of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) had to be broken, plain and simple. For me it culminated in rehab, and as of tomorrow I'll have five months sobriety. There is a way forward and having that plan in place is crucial as well as staying connected with this amazing group of people who know what you've dealt and are dealing with.
I hope to hear more of your progress. Take good care!
More seriously though, the cycles you describe are almost to the letter identical to what my last 5 years have been. You're not an idiot by any measure. This has absolutely nothing to do with intellect, moral fiber or weak will. I can say from my experience that being able to stop and assess the current state and the path forward was my pivotal moment for recovery. I thought I was in control each time I relapsed and just ...wasn't. My cycle of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) had to be broken, plain and simple. For me it culminated in rehab, and as of tomorrow I'll have five months sobriety. There is a way forward and having that plan in place is crucial as well as staying connected with this amazing group of people who know what you've dealt and are dealing with.
I hope to hear more of your progress. Take good care!
I think I was beginning to suffer withdrawals. Shaking, sweats, anxiety. Honestly it has been horrendous. I am not going back there.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
I am a total and complete idiot
If calling myself an idiot was helpful I would have got sober 30 years ago. I have come to believe it is not only unhelpful, but a tool of my AV. After all, if I am an idiot, why not drink? Why should an idiot stay sober?
You're just human, my friend. You've got a problem. Fix it.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
I have been here twice over the past 3-4 years both times quitting for approx 90 days each time. Pretty much the only times I have quit drinking in 30 years. I have been drinking the last 18 months of so since the last time and it has generally been getting worse.
I did a full body medical and it came back ok. Bloods and organs ok. A few small things like elevated cholesterol etc. So being the alcoholic I am I took that as a green light to jump off the deep end. Skip forward a month or so and I just finished 3 days of around then clock drinking at home with my parents in law, wife and young kid in the house asking me to stop. My wife says she considered leaving me. I was blackout drunk, verbally abusive and generally all around disgusting, and that is not like me even when I drink. Then trying to be overly nice and on and on.
I woke up on Monday morning and I know what I could have died. I know you have all heard it 1000 times before but it feels different this time. I am done with drinking. If I don't quit I will lose my family and I will die. I will put a plan together in the next few days when I can stop hating myself even for a few minutes, Got to take a business trip in a few minutes and put on a brave face. This is horrendous. I am a total and complete idiot but I will deal with this.
I did a full body medical and it came back ok. Bloods and organs ok. A few small things like elevated cholesterol etc. So being the alcoholic I am I took that as a green light to jump off the deep end. Skip forward a month or so and I just finished 3 days of around then clock drinking at home with my parents in law, wife and young kid in the house asking me to stop. My wife says she considered leaving me. I was blackout drunk, verbally abusive and generally all around disgusting, and that is not like me even when I drink. Then trying to be overly nice and on and on.
I woke up on Monday morning and I know what I could have died. I know you have all heard it 1000 times before but it feels different this time. I am done with drinking. If I don't quit I will lose my family and I will die. I will put a plan together in the next few days when I can stop hating myself even for a few minutes, Got to take a business trip in a few minutes and put on a brave face. This is horrendous. I am a total and complete idiot but I will deal with this.
This is what alcohol does. It turns you into someone you don't recognize, and keeps hold of you by keeping you down with hate and fear and sadness.
You can do this. You can get out. It's time to make a plan and put it into action ASAP. you've made the first step coming here. So just keep stepping. Your health, happiness and family are far greater rewards than drunk mistakes and hangovers.
You got this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
I doubt that.
If calling myself an idiot was helpful I would have got sober 30 years ago. I have come to believe it is not only unhelpful, but a tool of my AV. After all, if I am an idiot, why not drink? Why should an idiot stay sober?
If calling myself an idiot was helpful I would have got sober 30 years ago. I have come to believe it is not only unhelpful, but a tool of my AV. After all, if I am an idiot, why not drink? Why should an idiot stay sober?
I also agree that the required response is to focus on decisive action that will mean I dont go back to that place.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
People take and make life changing actions everyday, I never thought I could actually be one of those people,which was the main reason I wasn't for so long, I was wrong ,I could, You can too, rootin for ya
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,899
I just finished 3 days of around then clock drinking at home with my parents in law, wife and young kid in the house asking me to stop.
If this were me, I would be deeply embarrassed and filled with shame.
If you happen to feel the same way, try a few AA meetings. Working the steps can help with the guilt and shame. It will also show your family that you are serious about getting sober.
If this were me, I would be deeply embarrassed and filled with shame.
If you happen to feel the same way, try a few AA meetings. Working the steps can help with the guilt and shame. It will also show your family that you are serious about getting sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Yup, I know the cycle you described well. Both the drinking and the mental anguish, hating myself, beating myself up, the shame, sorrow.
That alone brought me back to drinking many times.
Get some help, and find a program. This is stronger than you. If you could have done it on your own, you would have by now. Those withdrawal symptoms are worrisome. Make an appointment with your PCP, or go to the hospital if they get worse.
But you never have to feel this way again, and you never have to drink again.
That alone brought me back to drinking many times.
Get some help, and find a program. This is stronger than you. If you could have done it on your own, you would have by now. Those withdrawal symptoms are worrisome. Make an appointment with your PCP, or go to the hospital if they get worse.
But you never have to feel this way again, and you never have to drink again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by Zebra1275
[I]
If this were me, I would be deeply embarrassed and filled with shame.
If this were me, I would be deeply embarrassed and filled with shame.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by Dee74
How are things today Ubn?
D
D
I spoke with my wife last night for an hour about my plan to quit and some changes that I will make. I feel so guilty for the way I behaved this weekend. I turned from this caring and polite and slightly shy guy when sober into this monster when I got drunk and stayed like that for almost 3 days. I can't undo that and I don't even want to over do the apologies, though of course I apologised. I want actions to speak this time. Consistency and actions. And in time I hope we can just look back and move on. Well, hope she does. I will hold that weekend in my mind forever.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
Yesterday was tough I have to say, really tough. I was only 48 after an awful bender and so full of anxiety. Then I had to catch a business flight with the team that I had no way out of. I was dreading meeting the team in the airport...would they know? would they notice my red face? would they feel the guilt? etc. As it happened I got a bolt of energy and got through the day reasonably well. But it is was terrible, not in the sense of wanting to drink, just the whole emotional spaghetti that your brain turns into after a heavy drinking period.
I spoke with my wife last night for an hour about my plan to quit and some changes that I will make. I feel so guilty for the way I behaved this weekend. I turned from this caring and polite and slightly shy guy when sober into this monster when I got drunk and stayed like that for almost 3 days. I can't undo that and I don't even want to over do the apologies, though of course I apologised. I want actions to speak this time. Consistency and actions. And in time I hope we can just look back and move on. Well, hope she does. I will hold that weekend in my mind forever.
I spoke with my wife last night for an hour about my plan to quit and some changes that I will make. I feel so guilty for the way I behaved this weekend. I turned from this caring and polite and slightly shy guy when sober into this monster when I got drunk and stayed like that for almost 3 days. I can't undo that and I don't even want to over do the apologies, though of course I apologised. I want actions to speak this time. Consistency and actions. And in time I hope we can just look back and move on. Well, hope she does. I will hold that weekend in my mind forever.
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