Different to last time not in a good way
 

I have been a heavy and binge drinker since a young age and had an alcohol problem in general particularly drinking to blackout. I stayed sober for over three years when I first joined this site in 2012 and it was three of my best years of my life then I decided that I needed some pain relief.

So I went back to drinking again for over a year now. At least 6 to 8 a night (would be more but get tested at work) and blackout drinking whenever I could on days off etc. See I still haven't had the big fall just a slow death of a thousand cuts from trying to keep this thing hidden and under control.

I am now sober 5 weeks which is quite an achievement really. It has been much tougher than last time. That felt like a change and a weight lifted but this feels like white knuckling My emotions are scattered, not sleeping and the depression and anxiety are through the roof and I get frustrated and angry and emotional at random stuff. I feel totally out of control and if I am honest a bit scared.

Problem is I am a cop. Have been for a long time and I just drink to cope. I have seen a lot over the years and worked different areas and short story is some of it has stayed with me. I just bottle it up then drink it away. Now I don't know if it's my age or my bucket of misery is full but I am struggling.

I have moved into a desk type role off my own bat mainly to get away from the drinking culture where I was. This will also keep me away from most of the bad stuff so I think it's a good move and will help in the long run.

I assumed being sober would be like last time I gave up but I was wrong. Last time i felt a journey and a change in me. This time I feel empty and sad and hang o on to an hour at a time. But there are glimpses of the old. Maybe it will return if I hang on. I certainly hope so.

I don't really know what I'm asking. Just sharing mainly. Has anyone had a similar experience second time around with only about a year in between?

Hi Nigey
I understand what you are feeling and it is frustrating and creepy. I get spooked by myself when I feel that way. As if I cannot count on anything and I am worried I won't return to my grounded self. I began drinking as a habit when I was 25. I enjoyed my whiskey and coke which began on weekends and then by my early 30's it was every evening and weekends. I never had a serious problem until a series of events happened when I was around 36 and I fell into a dark place mentally. I completely disconnected form myself and used alcohol to cope. I am now 42 and it has been a tough road back. When your mental well being gets involved it makes it so hard because you loose the part of yourself that effectively navigates your ship. I have learned to live carefully with myself and one day at a time. I guess I am just trying to say that I totally understand what you are going through. What has worked for me is re-establishing myself. My old self is there and will return. I catch glimpses of her every now and then and I cling to it. My mind is healing but it is like a bone that has been broken and I have to wait patiently for it to heal. I found self care to be very important. Be kind to yourself and look for ways to treat yourself. The mental discomfort can be overwhelming and I have had many slip ups but they always end up with me feeling so much worse, guilty, ashamed, sick. Being sober is the sane choice for me. The only choice. Just know that you are totally not alone in this journey. I find this to be a great site. Lots of similar stories which I have found to be very helpful in my own journey.

"Bottling it up" is the root of my problem- I am a bad sharer and tend to keep everything to myself, making it virtually impossible to deal with- and that leads to the urge to feel nothing- or to do what we do- drink. Is there a safe place where you can talk and let your feelings out or at least get someone else's perspective? This helps me immensely, often my take is not accurate or is overblown and just having someone else listen is of great comfort. Also, you stated your sober years were "the best years of your life" and sometimes we don't feel we deserve the best- don't underestimate the power of self-sabotage. You deserve every good thing you work towards and your old self will be back, better than ever if you just keep going. You're not alone, and good job on your 5 weeks, that's fantastic.

He nigey, there is something about what you wrote there that really touched me.

It was like that for me for some months. I don't think it matters that the experience of stopping is different this time round, just that you are stopping and have stopped for 5 weeks. And that's nothing short of a miracle when you don't feel much relief yet. But you will. I'm almost 9 months now and starting to feel some amazing clarity of mind and purpose to my life. I didn't get back who I was before. I think I'm getting someone better.

If you accept your path will be more like endurance racing for a little while, this time will pass easier. You poisoned your brain for a long time and it has to have your patience in healing. I couldn't Keep It In The Day. I would say to myself "I am sober this second" and it was enough. I must look up how many seconds have passed since then! I think trusting what people said on the site, trusting that it will get better, is what got me through.

A big hug for you and Keep Going!

You are doing the right thing. And it will get better.

You said yourself that your 3 years of sobriety were your best years. So I think you know that is where you need to be. You just need to learn how to address the feelings that you have been masking with alcohol.

Maybe consider counseling or therapy, or even medical treatment, if you feel that you have clinical symptoms of anxiety or depression.

But know this: Whatever methods and tools that you use to address the life problems that you experience, they will serve you much better than has alcohol.

Good luck. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

I'm glad you made it back, nigey.

I can really relate to this...I felt the same way at the end of my drinking.

First, thank you for your service. I couldn't do the job you do, and we need you. I'm sure you've seen more than you ever wanted and it didn't go the way you thought it would, surely.

The good thing is that there is probably really good therapy available to you as a LEO. Please take advantage of it! You deserve someone on your side, and we all need to unload that bucket at various times. It always helps me to get things out of my head and let someone else take a look at them and help me put them in perspective.

((hug)) and keep talking.

Are you willing to reach out for help?

I had a good friend who attended police-only AA meetings.

Thx for replies. Yeh I am willing to reach out. I can feel strength building I just need to hang in and get things a bit more sorted and get some help typical that I need everything squared away before hand but t never is. Is it.

Nope. But the time we need to reach out for help isn't after we get everything squared away and under control.

It's when it's not.

If you wait until after it is, it may never be. Or, you may relapse before you get to where you think it's time.

The way I look at it alcoholism is progressive...it gets worse everything we return to drinking. My experience certainly bears that out.

Have you considered real life support to supplement SR Nigey?

D

Yep made a booking and it’s free.

So true ken I’ve been trying to control stuff for years. Gets very tiring.

Is therapy an option for you? Perhaps talking it out and learning new ways to handle stress and cope with bad thoughts will make you feel better and make it easier to withstain?

There was a cop in rehab, great guy. It worked for him.

There is a cop who is sober who works as a conduit to get police in crisis into rehab or some sort of treatment, and going to meetings. There is a huge stigma here in Southern California towards cops with substance issues, so it's hard to find help. Also I don't need to tell you how stressful the job is most of the time, and how difficult marriage and relationships can be.

Glad you're reaching out. Nobody can do it alone, and if OZ is anything like it is here, it can be very isolating for police and emergency responders, particularly in recovery.

Life is so much better without alcohol and/or drugs. Hope you find your way there.