My Story
 

Hello. I am a binge drinker. That also means that I am an alcoholic. I am also a very stubborn person that has always tackled problems head on and came out victorious. So it has been very hard for me to admit defeat from alcohol. Even though other people noticed it.
I was never a daily drinker or really ever had cravings. My triggers were boredom or being the life of the party. So when I would actually start drinking it was katie bar the door. I never drank and drove and I thought I was being responsible when i was drinking. The little lies that we tell ourselves. Then it started taking more and more to get that buzz. I finally started seeing the writing on the wall.
I have not touched a drink in 11 days. My friends and family are behind me and being supportive. My wife however is not. She complains about me going to meetings, calls me an alcoholic, blames everything that happens to her on me, and it is beginning to wear me down. She did go to a family night meeting and I was hoping she would go to learn about alcoholism,but the therapost told me that she just bitched about me for 45 mins. She doesnt believe alcoholism is a disease and thinks we are all just weak.
I know i have brought her down a path that she didnt want, but i am trying to be a better person. I just wish she would see that I am trying.
Its a struggle but I am going to win this battle. I will not lose to that damn bottle again.
-J

I'm not married but just have a question. I see these unsupportive spouse posts a lot. I wonder why you can't just say, "If you don't like it, deal with it, and if you can't deal with it, leave."

Seems harsh but isn't the way they are acting vindictive and evil?

Good for you I am in the same boat. Except my girlfriend is trying to understand even though she feels overwhelmed.

A lot of people really don't get it. For them it's "oh i'll have a cocktail or two during new years and maybe get silly at a bachelor(ette) party!" They don't understand the addiction aspect and how that reinforcement loop can become deadly.

I hope she comes around to taking it seriously and understanding how strong you are for admitting you need help.

Welcome to the community !
It's a great job 11 days well done.
You first and foremost get sober for yourself. And I am glad you are very positive about winning that battle. In my own personal case I separated twice from my wife because of alcohol. I know for a fact that she would never complain about my going to a meeting. A lot of the time our partners are codependent to the alcoholics life. Years of living in it then change. She will have healing too.
Maybe she is right calling you an alcoholic, what you think ?

Whether or not alcoholism is a disease is an eternal debate which doesn't really matter.

Stay on track and things will work out.
They always do :)

V.

Welcome to SR. Congrats on 11 days. That's awesome! :c011:

My wife never read the How to be a Perfectly Supportive Alcoholic's Wife book, either.

I still got sober. I guess it had more to do with me than her.

You can do this. :ring

Hi, jlong and welcome.
It is not uncommon for relationships to change when one partner stops drinking, especially if you have been at it a while.
Congrats on 11 days. I hope you can keep it going despite your spouse’s lack of support.
Remember that you are doing it for you., and it’s worth it.
Peace.

Meant to say, also that this is a supportive place, and, if you like, you can join the January class. It’s a thread for the newly sober and could be an additional form of affirmation for you.

My gf(now ex) liked to throw the "you're an alcoholic" at me in early sobriety,with a drink in her hand. I just let it go and focused on myself. Did I mention ex? LOL Not sure about your relationship,but ours pretty much revolved around bars and parties. Hell..we met at a bar and me getting sober was taking away her drinking buddy. Also probably making her examine her drinking habit. Anyways..we drunks do cause a wake of destruction sooner or later that affects others and I suppose we must 'pay' for it in some fashion and it takes time to build trust back.

Edit: Have a read around the friends and family forum. That really helped me realize what my drinking was doing to those who really wanted what's best for me.(Not my ex)

Dude they are married. Ya can't just say 'hey, been a drunk for a long time. Now I'm gonna get sober and change EVERYTHING. If you can't just get on board, support me the way I feel you should, then hit the road be-otch'. He's been sober 11 DAYS. I'm guessing he drank for longer than 11 days. There are resentments, patterns of behavior. Her world is probably reeling. Even if it 'should' be better, change doesn't often 'feel' better at first.

Alcoholism is incredibly hard to deal with. Alcoholics? When we're drinking, we're fricken NUTS. Full stop. Even a alleged functional alcoholic, or controlled alcoholic (both full on myths...like unicorns) are still Batshlit crazy to a non addict.

Its hard. Really hard. For everyone involved. And it takes time, compassion, patience and forgiveness:grouphug:

We have children. So that makes it hard to just leave. I do love her also. It does frustrate me though because sometimes I want to talk without being judged constantly.

That's another thing we are notorious for..wanting instant gratification. Give it some sober time and focus on your recovery. Remember..It's your recovery and you don't need to discuss every part of it with her. She may think you're 'blowing smoke'. Give it some time.

Jlong

Welcome! And congrats on 11 days. As Dontremember said, time. While 11 days is great, its 11 days. I would think you need about 90 days of consistent sobriety to even start to chip away at the problems in your relationship. They are complex, enmeshed, probably full of resentments, guilt, anger. You love her. I'm sure she loves you or she would have left. As good ole Dr Phil says 'a pancake may be flat but it has two sides'. She has to recover and change as well. Change is scary, for all of us.

This is just me, but I'll share this. I have definitely been guilty of feeling like "HEY I'M SOBER! Look at me. I deserve a medal. Okay, so I was drunk for 13 days straight. I was SOBER for 6 months before that. Doesn't that count?". Unfortunately I've learned the hard way that it doesn't. Being sober, while a miracle to me, is kinda what is expected by most people as a minimum requirement for just showing up for life. Wow. Who knew? So something that is so pivotal in my life (booze) is merely a drink/drug to other people that know better than to abuse it. And quitting, which takes a huge commitment and effort from me, seems like it would be just 'simple' to someone else....who isn't a drunk. I've had a person close to me say to me during a bender 'can't you just stop?'. He just couldn't understand. And he dumped me. Don't blame him.

Anyway, rambling, sorry. Hang in there.

Great points. probably why I'm not married. :D

Well the best apology is changed behavior. 11 days isn't gonna cut it. Give it time, she'll notice the little things. It's still pretty raw. You're committed stay with S.R. you'll feel better each day, get support, advice on withdrawal, you name it. Just post. This recovery is a family recovery too. But you are #1 right now. In due course you'll both understand you are not what you have done, you are what you have overcome.

I believe in affirmations (they're all over my fridge) cuz well...you know..no husband. My fav is:

I am under no obligation to be the person I was a year, a month, a week or even 15 minutes ago.
I have the right to grow.
No apologies.

It's gonna be fine. It is what it is.

My response would be, "You're right, I am an alcoholic. I'm trying to change that, and these meetings help. I'm sorry I caused you pain, hurt, and anger at me. I'm trying to change so we won't have to live like that anymore."

And let it go at that.

I've seen some spouses get very angry and resentful over "I've tried to get him/her to change for years, and he wouldn't. Now he/she goes to these meetings and all of a sudden <insert resentment>."

Just like she dealt with your drunken behavior, unless you want to leave and get divorced you're going to have find a healthy way to put up with her anger for a while. And don't expect any congrats from her over getting better, either.

Realize that this disease makes all the people around us, who love us, sick, too. Healing takes time, for everyone.

Hi and welcome jlong1978la :)

I often think back to how my loved ones were hostages in my long race to the bottom.

I at least can understand the actions of an insane alcoholic but for someone who may have no first hand experience of that it's hard to fathom. You may find its a longer road than you want to regaining trust and finding forgiveness.

doesn't mean you're a bad person, but it might mean your wife has 'stuff' to work through that's gonna take a little longer than 11 days :)

No matter what your wife believe s about alcoholism I believe she will, in time, respond positively to the changes and the new you you're becoming :)

D

Being sober, while a miracle to me, is kinda what is expected by most people as a minimum requirement for just showing up for life. Wow. Who knew? So something that is so pivotal in my life (booze) is merely a drink/drug to other people that know better than to abuse it. And quitting, which takes a huge commitment and effort from me, seems like it would be just 'simple' to someone else....who isn't a drunk.

This really resonated with me. Thanks Frick! :)

Being sober, while a miracle to me, is kinda what is expected by most people as a minimum requirement for just showing up for life.

This is exactly how my spouse views it. As recovering alcoholics, I think the best we can do it to get as much support as possible from people who understand. And for me, and it sounds like for you...our spouse may not be it. That's OK. Just don't do what I've done, which is to use your spouse's lack of support as an excuse to drink "at" them.