Rodney18

I was aware of a line of thinking I’ve had but never thought a great deal on it
But now I’m wondering about it
In my past few months when I drank, and really only the last two, I would not want to drink right before I began my binge. Once again, hard to explain.
I would almost mechanically pick up my first beer of the day, and begin to drink it while at the same time just not want to begin.
This was a recent thing and I can’t remember ever feeling this way during my 40 years of boozing.
Of course, I drank it anyway.
Every damned time.

LoveForMe

That has been me the last two times I drank. I feel like I do it because it used to be my answer to everything. Even though now it's not my answer to anything, I still turn to it for answers.

That hurts my brain.

milly4me

Yeah, what you said.

I can't explain it either. I normally start a binge with good/expensive, fine tasting wine in order to be able to move to the cheaper stuff which I could glug down. In the last year or so, often I don't really even want to drink, but still forced myself.

It's weird.

In your thread from yesterday someone (I should really be giving credit the right person) said something that really struck a chord with me. About retraining the way our brains are thinking.

That's got to be the secrete. I've always drank (20 plus years) too much. I've always thought so much about it. How to accomplish it. How to fit into my weekly life.

Yesterday I went shopping for a new bicycle. Jumping in too fast as I always do. I thought about taking an indoor spin class . . . so that means I will become a great biker . . . so when summer comes, won't I need a nicer bike than I currently own? Stupid, all in thinking. I need to curtail that sort of thinking.

But immediately I got to thinking, when I'm out biking with my new biking group (a group I completely made up in my mind), and they want to stop for a drink after biking (which is a common biking groups that I don't belong to, do in our town), what will I order? I could have a tonic, with a "splash" of gin . . . ya know, not REALLY drinking, but others would think I was. Maybe I could have two, etc . . .

Just absolute madness.

What the HELL is wrong with me? Why do I think like this? Why am I always thinking of stinking drinking?

And that's when that post from yesterday hit me in the side of the head. Ohhhh . . . 'cause that's what I've always have done. My brain just has always gone there. Being an alcoholic does require A LOT of thoughts of drinking . . . how, when, where . . .

So when I'm thinking of a new activity, my brain immediately thinks of how to do it with alcohol. Makes sense. That's what I've trained my brain to do.

So I gotta start thinking differently. I started replacing coffee fancy drinks for booze in my head. Both give a buzz. Both have too much sugar. Sooooooo, after biking with my imagery group, I'll order a sugary iced coffee drink. Yuck. Maybe I'll just have a soda.

kwim??

TheDude8D

Same feeling here when I would go on a speed binge! I think I really knew it would only make things worse and make me feel a lot worse but I just did it anyways... addiction is a cruel mistress!

Offthemast

LOL. Great post.

PalmerSage

At the end of my drinking, I was just SO OVER IT. I didn't even want to start, but of course I never once stopped at one.

Grungehead

I took that first drink (often against my own will) because of the mental obsession that is part of alcoholism (also known around here as the AV). And once I took that first drink it would set off the physical cravings that kept me drinking even when I knew I should stop. It was always a double whammy for me because I couldn't seem to avoid that first drink, and once I took it I had no control over how many I would have.

I had to find a way to get rid of that mental obsession, and if I could then I could avoid ever taking that first drink. That's where finding a recovery plan that removes the mental obsession and sticking to it as if your life depends on it is so important. For me that was AA's 12 steps.

I was in and out of AA and in and out of sobriety for over 20 years but I never worked the steps. Out of pure desperation I decided to give AA one last shot and at least give the steps a try this time. By the time I reached step 10 (probably earlier) my obsession to drink had been removed and has not come back (nearly 5 years sober now). Yeah it took some hard work, quite a bit of self reflection and a healthy dose of humility. But in return I got my life back, I can look people in the eyes again and I am comfortable in my own skin. Pretty fair trade-off considering at the end of my drinking I drank every waking hour and contemplated suicide every day before taking that first drink.

Readygo

I did that, like I may as well take advantage that I have the time to. Like it was a missed opportunity if I didn’t.. crazy!

Gottalife

For me there wasn't a lot of thought involved. Most of the time I had no memory of taking the first drink. I made a firm decision not to drink in the morning, but evidently at some time during the day I changed my mind. My feeling is that it has to do with the obsession of the mind - the desire - the dream - the delusion that if I just give it one more try I will be able to drink without the usual consequences. I really wanted that to be the case, so could easily rationalise myself around any (sane) thoughts to the contrary - not that they came up much.

"The persistance of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death". That's what I did.

FreeOwl

I remember days when I dreaded drinking and even as I pulled into the liquor store parking lot, yelling out loud ‘what are you DOING!?’

And then saying.... out loud in reply: ‘f*** it. I’ll stop tomorrow’.....

Going inside in horror, buying the vodka, a lemonade or a soda, slugging down the first gulps in the parking lot...

Waking up out of the hazy black the next day.....

It goes downhill from here, in my experience.

I hope you embrace sobriety and find what I’ve foUnd.

It’s a lot better.

Gabe1980

I can totally relate. I've drank in that auto-pilot way the last few times I've relapased. It's like being possessed. I don't want to drink, I'm not going to drink, then I'm sitting on my couch with a bottle of red wine thinking 'what the f*** just happened?'. Then I'm gone and I have no chance of stopping until I pass out. Gabe x

Dee74

That was my drinking for the last few years I drank.
But..I knew I'd feel better after a couple....

That was a tough cycle to break.

D