MisterA

So I don’t know what to do. I’m writing this on my iPhone because it may keep me from drinking and allow me to sleep without waking up 2 or 3 hrs later.

I’m caught in this cycle. ...I drink, I do something that is hurtful to someone or causes me to look like a massive blundering idiot, I can’t stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed at my previous actions, so then to get some peace I drink...

It’s like a positive feedback loop that never stops and continuously gets worse and worse. Last night I took a female friend out to a social event, she had a great time, I got drunk, admitted that I was infatuated with her asking if she’d like our relationship to be romantic, she declined, I got mean and said some very hurtful things to her, and alternated between yelling and weeping like a child.

I’m 30 years old. I behaved like a child. I can’t stop thinking about it. She was looking forward to this event for a month, she had a great time, and I had to go and f it all up at the end. I’m so embarrassed and so ashamed. All I want to do right now is drink and drink and drink until these feelings go away.

Otherwise, they won’t. I will stay up all night thinking about it. I won’t be able to work, I keep thinking about. It won’t go away tomorrow because I know from experience, it will still be in my mind and focus tomorrow.

I can’t call and apologize, because I already did that, twice, to which she responded in a very gracious and kind manner, accepting my apology. It doesn’t make me feel like any less of a fool and a loser. And it doesn’t help with the fact that I’m not only ashamed of saying such hurtful words but also because I’m embarrassed, like seriously, a grown man weeping over this? God, I feel so stupid and embarrassed!

So I just want to drink to make this feeling stop. I would have to drink a lot to make it stop. What’s holding me back, mostly, is my fear that while intoxicated, I would call her again and repeat the whole idiotic ordeal, which isn’t too far-fetched of a fear, in my experience.

And the stuff stacks. Like a week ago, I did something also incredibly foolish and embarrassing and it’s also on my mind, my mind just rotated embarrassments around continuously. I’m literally still embarrassed of stuff I did years ago, totally minor, but for some reason my mind keeps saying “you’re an idiot, you’re an idiot, people probably don’t think of you, but if they ever do, they’re thinking you’re an idiot...”

ugh.

TheDude8D

Instead of thinking you're a idiot now because of the things you did then, why not use all those things as a platform to help move to a sober life? If you can just get past the feeling of dealing with your thoughts soberly then you probably won't do any more of those kind of things!
Also remember you're on a sober recovery website and I'm sure a ton of us wouldn't be here had it not been for some extremely embarrassing things we have done 😂
Hope you feel better about the whole situation!

Opivotal

Towards the end of my drinking, blackouts were the norm. I would embarrass myself and not remember one thing I said or did. I'd wake up in a panic and drive myself insane trying to recollect the evening/day.

The only way to stop humiliating myself was to change, stop drinking. We can't repeat the same behavior over and over and expect different results. Take alcohol out of the equation and bring on MisterA. You'd be amazed how your life changes. I sure was!

Start today, reclaim your life. You don't have to live this way.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR!!!

I disagree. You came to a sobriety forum. You know exactly what to do.

This isn't some cosmic life cycle that you blundered into. You MADE this cycle. That might sound harsh, but let it sink in. It's quite empowering. If you made it, then you can UNmake it.

Maybe you should learn how.
I can't speak German. If it was ruining my life I'd go learn how to speak German. Maybe you should learn how to experience your emotions in a manner that doesn't lead to repeating the experiences that generate these unpleasant emotions.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

D122y

Mist,

Imo....what is going on is chemical and correctable.

It is brain damage caused by the 2 prong attack of booze.

Physical addiction firstly, then mental healing. It takes about a month to get over the chemical dependency and about a year to start to lay some sober tracks.

The only way I got through exactly what you are describin is through suffering the time it takes to heal.

The addiction is for life.

My humanity started to slowly returnafter about 1 year. I started to sense right from wrong immediately. The mental anguish is horrid.

I am just now beginning to stabilize, and let things go better. Failures and weaknesses.

The quickest way to solve my problems is to take responsibility for them. I got myself into the mess I am in, I need to suffer for a long time to get out.

Relapse looms the whole time.

Relapse resets the brain damage.

Thanks.

Juicer

You're definitely not alone. I hate Facebook and social media. But get a bunch of Vokda in me I will be on there saying the stupidest things to my friends.

When I used to go out more, there are plenty of times where I acted like an idiot and caused myself and those around me a lot of shame.

During these blacked out times, I dread looking at my phone, never knowing what kind of things I may have texted or purchased (the purchasing things kinda funny though, as it only embarrassed myself, as I saw these Amazon boxes roll in time to time. )

I'm using it as one of the motivations for me to finally stop. I'm on Day 3 now.

theVman31

Welcome to the community misterA.
I wish I had got sober at 30....
In the end you drink to numb all feelings.
like opivotal blackouts ruled
Alcohol was whipping me and I was just asking for more. One month sober today and feeling better.
V.
41 year old alcoholic.

notrealname333

Same thing, just black out + then run my mouth to tons of people for no reason, then in shame the next day see what i said so i can delete it.

Also while knowing when I see other people do the same my assumption is "damn that guy must be a drunk"

TYG2

WOW MisterA you are not alone I have some doozies I could share. Only been sober myself since Dec 26th but joining S.R. has already taught me (see the awesome replies you've gotten already) that during withdrawal if the Past calls, let it go to Voicemail, it has nothing new to say.

I swear I was going mental trying to remember OR remembering events over and over. I called these thoughts my committee of a**holes. It's going to take the brain awhile to create new thinking patterns. So...be gentle with yourself. With our support you can live without booze.

I wouldn't let a**holes live in my house ---- Why let them live in my head?

I hope this makes sense. I'm functioning on like no sleep for days now. Best of luck!

entropy1964

I believe I know exactly how you feel. For me the only way to stop doing stupid things when drinking was to stop drinking....Yep gotta sit with the feelings. Accept that beyond making amends there isn't a whole lot I can do. But I don't have to keep doing it....over and over (even tho I did for a long time). That's a choice. The clear path to feeling good is to do the right thing. The clear path to feeling bad is to do the wrong thing. But it takes some time. Some patience.

I still have 'things' from my past that really trouble me. Or, the longer I'm sober, some random memory from my drunken past will come screaming back in, for no reason. And all the shame, remorse and resentment with it. It helps me to journal about it. What happened. Who 'wronged me'. Who did I wrong. How am I feeling? Why. And the real kicker, what really happened? Why am I really feeling this way? Its usually because I feel shame...which is toxic to my recovery. And shame makes me feel less than. And if someone thinks I'm less than, than I AM less than. Which isn't true. That's what my shame makes me think. So I try to 'right size' the thing.....

So ya got drunk, told a friend you cared for her in 'that' way, she basically rejected you (ouch, we hate that), you were drunk so ya got all nasty. Yep, been there, done that. But what really happened? It stung, you feel stupid. You apologized, she accepted. So NOW what? Time to get real. Let it go, its over. My guess is she still is your friend, just maybe a bit freaked out right now. Give it time. Give yourself time. Stop drinking and give yourself a break. Live for today and in today. Do the next right thing....that generally works out pretty well. But wallow in it, awfulize it, drown in it....and you'll be more likely to drink again. You don't have to feel that way. Your feelings may not be fact. Hang in there.

JustTony

I still cringe over things I did and said 20 years ago when completely wasted.

Thank goodness I stopped that madness - you can stop too.

DontRemember

Yeah,man.. We've all been there and most,if like me,multiple times. It sucks,but there's really only one thing you can do to not have that happen ever again and you're on a great site full of advice/support to help you.

Ken0331

You are not the first, nor will you be the last person who does stupid, embarrassing things while drunk and later regrets them. And then drinks again over the regret and shame.

I did, and I have. We all did. You know, even non-alcoholics have done stupid things when they drank too much and woke up, regretting it.

You tired of this rut yet?

There is help. Reach out for it. You never have to feel this way again.

Fiona224

I bet if she were reading this (the girl you took out) she would fall in love with you. You are wonderful.

Gottalife

Welcome Mister A. You sound like a pretty ordinary run of the mill alcoholic to me, and you have been doing the sorts of things that alcoholics do. It is an illness, not a choice. You are not a bad person, just unwell at the moment.

If you continue, it will get worse. You can already see that in your own experience. If you can find the power to change your life, things will get immeasurably better. Some can get well under their own steam. How they could do that if their brain was as addled as mine, is a total mystery to me.

Yet here I am, sober and happy for a very long time. I used AA to find the Power.

Eaglelizard

I'm going to put this in some perspective: 1) no one died; 2) no one went to jail
...so you've got that going for you right there. Many of us can't say the same for their drunken f'ups.
F**k Everything and Run --> Face Everything and Recover!

Dropsie

Love this:

during withdrawal if the Past calls, let it go to Voicemail, it has nothing new to say.

I swear I was going mental trying to remember OR remembering events over and over. I called these thoughts my committee of a**holes. I wouldn't let a**holes live in my house ---- Why let them live in my head?

And this:

F**k Everything and Run --> Face Everything and Recover!

I think shame is both the cause and the result of drinking.

But how to move past the shame, that is the real question.

One thing that is clear, as you are a compulsive drinker, shame comes with it.

So, first stop drinking, without that, no go.

Then figure out where the shame comes from and how to beat it.

I am almost twice your age and starting to get a handle on it, so good for you to get here so young.

But without dumping the booze, you can't move forward.

MisterA

Thanks for all the replies and encouragement.

Fiona224, part of me is wondering if your comment was sarcastic, but if it wasn’t, thank you. Although, of course, I’m not, and she wouldn’t. But it helped me more than one would think. Whenever i got too anxious, I’d read your comment and it would calm me down a bit.

Eaglelizard, you’re so right. I keep thinking, if this continues, I will eventually make a mistake that cannot be helped by a phone call or a simple apology, a mistake that causes effects that follow me throughout my life, not just bad memories and emotions...

I just contacted another friend of mine, B, a girl whom I have no romantic interest in, but a very close friend, via text. She hasn’t replied yet. I was thinking of nothing other than simply telling her the story (because even though I am mostly upset about way I handled the rejection, the getting rejected part also stung like a hornet...). My friend B has always been a constant source of comfort for me whenever I needed to talk to someone. And then I suddenly remembered something: B is actually a recovering alcoholic who had spent several years going to AA meetings! So I will also ask her to take me to a meeting and get me started.

Offthemast

I read it as sincere. Personally, I can't wait until self defeating thoughts vanish and self confidence returns in me after 20 years of being my own worst enemy. Thoughts like this serve no purpose.

As cheesy as it sounds, you are valuable, you are loved, and you have a lot to offer. Believe it. Live it.

Ken0331

Good for you.

I bet your friend has been hoping you'd become willing to get sober for a long time.