Question for 12-step people about surrender
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 27
Question for 12-step people about surrender
I have a question about turning over our will to our HP and about surrendering. I'm afraid, because by not drinking or using and starting to practice the steps, I know that I am agreeing to face reality as it is. As I've said here before, what I'm most afraid of is dealing with my tense marriage. I'm afraid that with my source of comfort is no longer an option, that I will find that my marriage is even more troubled and unhappy than I've been willing to admit.
If you have come to rely on the guidance of an HP, how do you make big decisions? How would I know if I need to stay in this marriage (my husband is not a bad guy, just very sick in his own way)? How will I know if I am abandoning him and causing further damage to my kids, or if I really need to leave the marriage? And if that is the case, how do I find the courage to deal with that, and when do I make those kinds of decisions?
This is probably a very naive question, but I really am scared. Thanks.
If you have come to rely on the guidance of an HP, how do you make big decisions? How would I know if I need to stay in this marriage (my husband is not a bad guy, just very sick in his own way)? How will I know if I am abandoning him and causing further damage to my kids, or if I really need to leave the marriage? And if that is the case, how do I find the courage to deal with that, and when do I make those kinds of decisions?
This is probably a very naive question, but I really am scared. Thanks.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
There might be two surrenders. The one where I admit defeat, that alcohol has me beat, and I am willing to go to any length to get out from under. Lots of alcoholics get that one. Talk to a few in the detox in thier first couple of days, scared, defeated and demoralised. Then the ego begins to rebuild and the defiance comes back and the fight is on again a few days later.
The next surrender in the path of recovery is, how I like to look at it, the appointment of a new manager to run my life as I had done such a crap job. There is a lot in the big book around page 60 about the why and the how we make this decision. The rest of the steps are how we put it into effect on a daily basis. A key thing with any relationship is we have to be able to communicate with the other party, and many of the steps are about clearing away the blockages that have been preventing this.
Step 11 is where we get to hear our instructions if you like, and the book says that even when we get to this point, being new at the game, we are bound to make a few good blunders. I certainly did and still do from time to time. But the beauty of it is that though I make mistakes, there is no longer any need to drink over them if I am genuinely sorry and make amends.
None of this, I found, could be understood in advance. I worked the steps, had the experience, and gained understanding in that order. There is no other way it ca be done IME.
The next surrender in the path of recovery is, how I like to look at it, the appointment of a new manager to run my life as I had done such a crap job. There is a lot in the big book around page 60 about the why and the how we make this decision. The rest of the steps are how we put it into effect on a daily basis. A key thing with any relationship is we have to be able to communicate with the other party, and many of the steps are about clearing away the blockages that have been preventing this.
Step 11 is where we get to hear our instructions if you like, and the book says that even when we get to this point, being new at the game, we are bound to make a few good blunders. I certainly did and still do from time to time. But the beauty of it is that though I make mistakes, there is no longer any need to drink over them if I am genuinely sorry and make amends.
None of this, I found, could be understood in advance. I worked the steps, had the experience, and gained understanding in that order. There is no other way it ca be done IME.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
I was told not to make any major life decisions in the first year of sobriety unless they were unavoidable and absolutely necessary.
And those I was to bounce off of people who had more recovery than me, or who actually had a sound mind because mine wouldn't be making sound decisions for a while.
Surrender for me started out as being, "OK, I'm completely broken and alcohol has me beat. I'm willing to do it another way b/c my way isn't working."
Just start from there, go to some AA meetings, find one you like and ask those questions there.
In case you don't know how to find them, start here:
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-local-aa
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
And those I was to bounce off of people who had more recovery than me, or who actually had a sound mind because mine wouldn't be making sound decisions for a while.
Surrender for me started out as being, "OK, I'm completely broken and alcohol has me beat. I'm willing to do it another way b/c my way isn't working."
Just start from there, go to some AA meetings, find one you like and ask those questions there.
In case you don't know how to find them, start here:
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-local-aa
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Last edited by Dee74; 01-19-2018 at 10:20 PM. Reason: copyright disclaimer for all aa.org links please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 27
Thank you guys. I think maybe step one hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been reading the Big Book and the 12&12 and yep, I’ve made a complete mess of my life - no doubt about it. I sat and wrote about what my frantic attempts to control have brought me and it is horrifying. I just don’t know what to do with the fact that I’ve dragged my husband and kids into my chaos (sheesh I created my kids out of this chaos). They all deserve better. So do I. I listened in on a meeting today, then I just bolted. Scary stuff. Thank you for responding
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 27
Mike - I don’t want my ego to rebuild, that’s what scares me most. I don’t know how I manage to forget the crazy hopeless misery, but I always do. I’m scared to say that this is different but I believe it is and I hope it is. Now I’m really listening for once - I am humbled in a way I have never been before
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Hi Fiona
Lots to share but I'll bullet point
1- I have a recovered sponsor many years experience in the 12 step program.
That is a big help for me when it comes to big decisions around family. I talk to him he has a sponsor also.
2- HPower is awesome but i really need human relationships in the fellowship with sober people I trust.
3- I have ongoing serious family issues but I accept them as they are that is essential first off Acceptance I use the Serenity prayer many times each day.
Then I do what I can patiently to get the healthiest result/outcome. When other sick people are involved I use discernment inventory and I pray for them. I get guidance from my sponsor and others in my trusted circle and I ask my HP that
'not my will but thy will be done':
As painful as that can be initially things have alwAys turned out really good for me when I've stuck to that plan.
But if I've said F.... It! And ive engaged my addiction to temporarily change the way I feel.
Well we all know what happens then!!!👎👎👎
My sponsor tells me these 3 things are vital for recovery.. .
Honesty
Sincerity
Humility.
Ego reduces and hey presto things get better over time.
Best of luck
I'm on your side!
Lots to share but I'll bullet point
1- I have a recovered sponsor many years experience in the 12 step program.
That is a big help for me when it comes to big decisions around family. I talk to him he has a sponsor also.
2- HPower is awesome but i really need human relationships in the fellowship with sober people I trust.
3- I have ongoing serious family issues but I accept them as they are that is essential first off Acceptance I use the Serenity prayer many times each day.
Then I do what I can patiently to get the healthiest result/outcome. When other sick people are involved I use discernment inventory and I pray for them. I get guidance from my sponsor and others in my trusted circle and I ask my HP that
'not my will but thy will be done':
As painful as that can be initially things have alwAys turned out really good for me when I've stuck to that plan.
But if I've said F.... It! And ive engaged my addiction to temporarily change the way I feel.
Well we all know what happens then!!!👎👎👎
My sponsor tells me these 3 things are vital for recovery.. .
Honesty
Sincerity
Humility.
Ego reduces and hey presto things get better over time.
Best of luck
I'm on your side!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You know Fiona, a lot of our relationships seem much better further along the line. My brother who I'd never got along with all my life, I one day found myself feeling love for. And that's a big first step towards healing a broken relationship. I've now got an amazing relationship with my mum. And me and my partner .... yep, things are much better in that regard as well.
It didn't all happen at once. In early sobriety it all seemed pretty hopeless. A lot of that was because loads of old resentments and fears and shame were bubbling up. I was a bit of an emotional wreck. But we can get through that with the step work, support from a sponsor and other AAs who've walked the path before us (because we can see and believe that they did get through it, and they believe that we can do it as well.)
There is plenty you can do to help yourself prepare for and deepen your understanding about these (and all of the) steps...
There are individual step threads here where you can read and post... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/step-study/
The 12 and 12 is much more detailed on how to go about doing step 2 and 3 than the Big Book is, so it's worth reading in there.
Talk really honestly with your sponsor. They will remember feeling the same way and be able to share how they go through it.
Also there are lots of speaker tapes - I especially found Earl Hightower useful on surrender. Sandy Beach and another one whose name escapes me at the moment as well. https://www.recoveryaudio.org/step-2-speaker-tapes https://www.recoveryaudio.org
These speaker recording really helped me along on various stages of recovery. I bought a really cheap little mp3 player to download them onto and listen through ear-buds on my commute or if I'm doing housework or whatever. That way I got a daily AA top up, even on days when there was no meeting.
And of course, prayer / meditation. .... Friends of Bill W. - Third Step Prayers
We can arrive early and / or stay behind and help set up before / clear up after meetings. That way we tend to get more chances to chat with others about their experiences of step work. Plenty of deep and meaningful conversations about higher power and handing over our will etc has happened over a shared task of washing up the coffee cups or stacking the chairs.
Adding in a step study meeting is really helpful as well. For me that is as 12 and 12 meeting that I drive to a neighbouring town for. I have learned so much from others in that meeting - more I reckon than I ever learned on my whole teacher training degree level course. I'm not even kidding!
All that scrabbling around to control things that are beyond our control really is just a waste of emotional energy actually. It's like trying to lead elephants by their tail. We just end up frustrated, and quite often deep in excrement as well, because trying to manipulate and control tends to lead to that. When we give up control, we're not really giving up control, because we never had it to give it up in the first place. It's more of a mental shift, and a desire to stop playing the insane games and focus that energy of our more positively. We're more accepting the reality that we don't have control. That acceptance brings us a lot of relief.
BB
It didn't all happen at once. In early sobriety it all seemed pretty hopeless. A lot of that was because loads of old resentments and fears and shame were bubbling up. I was a bit of an emotional wreck. But we can get through that with the step work, support from a sponsor and other AAs who've walked the path before us (because we can see and believe that they did get through it, and they believe that we can do it as well.)
There is plenty you can do to help yourself prepare for and deepen your understanding about these (and all of the) steps...
There are individual step threads here where you can read and post... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/step-study/
The 12 and 12 is much more detailed on how to go about doing step 2 and 3 than the Big Book is, so it's worth reading in there.
Talk really honestly with your sponsor. They will remember feeling the same way and be able to share how they go through it.
Also there are lots of speaker tapes - I especially found Earl Hightower useful on surrender. Sandy Beach and another one whose name escapes me at the moment as well. https://www.recoveryaudio.org/step-2-speaker-tapes https://www.recoveryaudio.org
These speaker recording really helped me along on various stages of recovery. I bought a really cheap little mp3 player to download them onto and listen through ear-buds on my commute or if I'm doing housework or whatever. That way I got a daily AA top up, even on days when there was no meeting.
And of course, prayer / meditation. .... Friends of Bill W. - Third Step Prayers
We can arrive early and / or stay behind and help set up before / clear up after meetings. That way we tend to get more chances to chat with others about their experiences of step work. Plenty of deep and meaningful conversations about higher power and handing over our will etc has happened over a shared task of washing up the coffee cups or stacking the chairs.
Adding in a step study meeting is really helpful as well. For me that is as 12 and 12 meeting that I drive to a neighbouring town for. I have learned so much from others in that meeting - more I reckon than I ever learned on my whole teacher training degree level course. I'm not even kidding!
All that scrabbling around to control things that are beyond our control really is just a waste of emotional energy actually. It's like trying to lead elephants by their tail. We just end up frustrated, and quite often deep in excrement as well, because trying to manipulate and control tends to lead to that. When we give up control, we're not really giving up control, because we never had it to give it up in the first place. It's more of a mental shift, and a desire to stop playing the insane games and focus that energy of our more positively. We're more accepting the reality that we don't have control. That acceptance brings us a lot of relief.
BB
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