Quitting after 20 years. Day 6
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Quitting after 20 years. Day 6
Hi everyone, Im new to this forum. Just reading some of these blogs and trying to reach out. And seek advice. I feel your pain. I am a 38 yr old single mom. I have been alcoholic some 20 years. With the last 7-10 getting really bad, meaning drinking myself to sleep every night after work, it started off with 5-7 beers a night and gradually went up, The latest/worst was about a 1/5 of vodka every night mixed with a lime-a-rita or wine. I never even realized how long it had been until last week when I had stomach bloating and a bad ache under my ribs that wouldnt go away. I started googling my symptoms. And the first result that came up was "Ascitis" which you probably know is associated with severe alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis of the liver. I got scared ********!That's when I started counting how many years I've been drinking heavily and researching about cirrhosis, I found that It comes about 10-20 years after drinking heavily, its easier for women to get it bc we don't have the enzyme that men do so its harder on a womans' body and harder for us to break down alcohol, and that a woman is 4 times more likely to get it if your overweight (I'm over weight) boy I wish I'd have known this earlier, well I knew alcohol wasn't good for us but I guess I was naive and didn't know all the exact details and didn't know all the odds were against me. Based on my drinking history and all the other factors involved, I just knew that when I went to ER they were going to tell me I had cirrhosis, and that I didn't have long to live. I even made arrangements with my mother that if it was bad to take my kids and sell my house for money to help raise them (which wouldn't be nearly enough to raise 2 young kids). I decided that night I've had enough, finally after all these years I had it in my mind to quit. I began to feel guilty, because now all the sudden when I'm at the brink of death (or so I thought) now I want to quit because this has hurt ME. Why didn't I ever think to quit all the nights my son begged and pleaded with me to stop. Why didn't I think or try to quit when I blacked out all those times and left my 12 year old son to look over my toddler? "And now all the sudden your ready when it's hurting you!.... Why didn't you try when it was hurting your kids?" I thought to myself. I felt like the most selfish mother ever. I always tried to convince myself that I was a good mother because my kids had a nice home to live in, they got everything they wanted, literally spoiled rotten, they wore nice clothes, etc. That was my excuse to continue drinking: I go above and beyond for my kids, so why cant I enjoy my drinks at night?.... I now realize that I over compensated bc I knew I was lacking in other areas (such as being a damn drunk!) A functioning alcoholic is all. I balled all night thinking how can I do this to my kids? How can I drink myself to death with nothing to leave them? How can I put the burden of raising two young children on my 60 yr old mother, who is getting ready to retire and relax and enjoy life's freedoms? I had a little bit of the shakes and a little sweating that first night, insomnia but that's it. I don't know if that was withdrawals or the stress about the situation. The following day I went to the ER, (this last Friday) I found out I have Alcoholic Hepatitis which as you probably know is the stage right before cirrhosis. It wasn't as bad as I thought but it's still bad. I can NEVER drink again, the doctor told me I still have a chance of developing cirrhosis, depending on how bad the hepatitis has damaged my liver and I am at greater risk for liver cancer due to my liver being damaged, my best chances are to stop drinking forever and some of the damage may be able to repair itself. But one thing is clear I cant drink anymore, unless I want to die, and I don't want to. I was told that one more binge drink can kill me. So good bye alcohol. I went home and gave all my alcohol away. I decided I cant leave my kids without a mother I don't care how bad I want a drink, what kind of withdrawals I have, I cant risk the chance of sudden death that I have control over, my babies are more important. I' going on 6 days, no withdrawals (Glory to God!) I don't even really feel like a drink. I was told by doc not to go cold turkey but the drug counselor/nurse told me I could and told me how. So I have. I wish you all the best of luck on your journey of sobriety. I know we can do this! To All the parents; our kids need us! I am just sooooo glad I caught this before it was full blown cirrhosis, had I not had that stomach ache on Friday I would have more than likely drank my self to death. I had no Idea how close I was to the place of no return. I pray for all of us to find the strength to stay on the road to a happy, healthy SOBER life! Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by gvh62479 
Hi everyone, Im new to this forum. Just reading some of these blogs and trying to reach out. And seek advice. I feel your pain. I am a 38 yr old single mom. I have been alcoholic some 20 years. With the last 7-10 getting really bad, meaning drinking myself to sleep every night after work, it started off with 5-7 beers a night and gradually went up, The latest/worst was about a 1/5 of vodka every night mixed with a lime-a-rita or wine. I never even realized how long it had been until last week when I had stomach bloating and a bad ache under my ribs that wouldnt go away. I started googling my symptoms. And the first result that came up was "Ascitis" which you probably know is associated with severe alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis of the liver. I got scared ********!That's when I started counting how many years I've been drinking heavily and researching about cirrhosis, I found that It comes about 10-20 years after drinking heavily, its easier for women to get it bc we don't have the enzyme that men do so its harder on a womans' body and harder for us to break down alcohol, and that a woman is 4 times more likely to get it if your overweight (I'm over weight) boy I wish I'd have known this earlier, well I knew alcohol wasn't good for us but I guess I was naive and didn't know all the exact details and didn't know all the odds were against me. Based on my drinking history and all the other factors involved, I just knew that when I went to ER they were going to tell me I had cirrhosis, and that I didn't have long to live. I even made arrangements with my mother that if it was bad to take my kids and sell my house for money to help raise them (which wouldn't be nearly enough to raise 2 young kids). I decided that night I've had enough, finally after all these years I had it in my mind to quit. I began to feel guilty, because now all the sudden when I'm at the brink of death (or so I thought) now I want to quit because this has hurt ME. Why didn't I ever think to quit all the nights my son begged and pleaded with me to stop. Why didn't I think or try to quit when I blacked out all those times and left my 12 year old son to look over my toddler? "And now all the sudden your ready when it's hurting you!.... Why didn't you try when it was hurting your kids?" I thought to myself. I felt like the most selfish mother ever. I always tried to convince myself that I was a good mother because my kids had a nice home to live in, they got everything they wanted, literally spoiled rotten, they wore nice clothes, etc. That was my excuse to continue drinking: I go above and beyond for my kids, so why cant I enjoy my drinks at night?.... I now realize that I over compensated bc I knew I was lacking in other areas (such as being a damn drunk!) A functioning alcoholic is all. I balled all night thinking how can I do this to my kids? How can I drink myself to death with nothing to leave them? How can I put the burden of raising two young children on my 60 yr old mother, who is getting ready to retire and relax and enjoy life's freedoms? I had a little bit of the shakes and a little sweating that first night, insomnia but that's it. I don't know if that was withdrawals or the stress about the situation. The following day I went to the ER, (this last Friday) I found out I have Alcoholic Hepatitis which as you probably know is the stage right before cirrhosis. It wasn't as bad as I thought but it's still bad. I can NEVER drink again, the doctor told me I still have a chance of developing cirrhosis, depending on how bad the hepatitis has damaged my liver and I am at greater risk for liver cancer due to my liver being damaged, my best chances are to stop drinking forever and some of the damage may be able to repair itself. But one thing is clear I cant drink anymore, unless I want to die, and I don't want to. I was told that one more binge drink can kill me. So good bye alcohol. I went home and gave all my alcohol away. I decided I cant leave my kids without a mother I don't care how bad I want a drink, what kind of withdrawals I have, I cant risk the chance of sudden death that I have control over, my babies are more important. I' going on 6 days, no withdrawals (Glory to God!) I don't even really feel like a drink. I was told by doc not to go cold turkey but the drug counselor/nurse told me I could and told me how. So I have. I wish you all the best of luck on your journey of sobriety. I know we can do this! To All the parents; our kids need us! I am just sooooo glad I caught this before it was full blown cirrhosis, had I not had that stomach ache on Friday I would have more than likely drank my self to death. I had no Idea how close I was to the place of no return. I pray for all of us to find the strength to stay on the road to a happy, healthy SOBER life! Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 27
" I began to feel guilty, because now all the sudden when I'm at the brink of death (or so I thought) now I want to quit because this has hurt ME"
We were all self centered and selfish during our addiction. Feeling guilty about the reason why you decided to get sober won't do anything but bring you down. Positivity is so important during recovery, the more you build yourself up and acknowledge every milestone you reach (no matter how small) the stronger your recovery will be. All that matters is that you have decided to get sober, not the reason. I am so happy you are not experiencing withdrawals and that the ER gave you better news then you expected
Keep up the good work!
We were all self centered and selfish during our addiction. Feeling guilty about the reason why you decided to get sober won't do anything but bring you down. Positivity is so important during recovery, the more you build yourself up and acknowledge every milestone you reach (no matter how small) the stronger your recovery will be. All that matters is that you have decided to get sober, not the reason. I am so happy you are not experiencing withdrawals and that the ER gave you better news then you expected
Keep up the good work!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
gvh oh how your story mirrors my own sweetheart. You brought tears to my eyes tonight. Oh the years of drinking away the last 16 years. That's addiction right there. And just like you it was MY health that made me quit. Not the upset and worry I caused my 2 daughter's for all those years.
But if not to save your life then what? The why's aren't important right now. What is important is today then the next day then the next.
I console myself with the fact that I can grow to be a better mum NOW. We can't turn back time and ruminating the past is just going to feed the addiction if we let it. Dont let it. Just be thankful that you've found out now and have a chance to quit.
You can do this!
I look forward to seeing more of you around hete and please post as often as you need to.
Take care
But if not to save your life then what? The why's aren't important right now. What is important is today then the next day then the next.
I console myself with the fact that I can grow to be a better mum NOW. We can't turn back time and ruminating the past is just going to feed the addiction if we let it. Dont let it. Just be thankful that you've found out now and have a chance to quit.
You can do this!
I look forward to seeing more of you around hete and please post as often as you need to.
Take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Danielle423
" I began to feel guilty, because now all the sudden when I'm at the brink of death (or so I thought) now I want to quit because this has hurt ME"
We were all self centered and selfish during our addiction. Feeling guilty about the reason why you decided to get sober won't do anything but bring you down. Positivity is so important during recovery, the more you build yourself up and acknowledge every milestone you reach (no matter how small) the stronger your recovery will be. All that matters is that you have decided to get sober, not the reason. I am so happy you are not experiencing withdrawals and that the ER gave you better news then you expected Keep up the good work!
We were all self centered and selfish during our addiction. Feeling guilty about the reason why you decided to get sober won't do anything but bring you down. Positivity is so important during recovery, the more you build yourself up and acknowledge every milestone you reach (no matter how small) the stronger your recovery will be. All that matters is that you have decided to get sober, not the reason. I am so happy you are not experiencing withdrawals and that the ER gave you better news then you expected
Keep up the good work!Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Hevyn
We're so glad to have you with us, gvh. Six days is fabulous. We know how hard you worked for it. Things will continue to get better - hope you'll stay with us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by joandmelandhan
gvh oh how your story mirrors my own sweetheart. You brought tears to my eyes tonight. Oh the years of drinking away the last 16 years. That's addiction right there. And just like you it was MY health that made me quit. Not the upset and worry I caused my 2 daughter's for all those years.
But if not to save your life then what? The why's aren't important right now. What is important is today then the next day then the next.
I console myself with the fact that I can grow to be a better mum NOW. We can't turn back time and ruminating the past is just going to feed the addiction if we let it. Dont let it. Just be thankful that you've found out now and have a chance to quit.
You can do this!
I look forward to seeing more of you around hete and please post as often as you need to.
Take care
But if not to save your life then what? The why's aren't important right now. What is important is today then the next day then the next.
I console myself with the fact that I can grow to be a better mum NOW. We can't turn back time and ruminating the past is just going to feed the addiction if we let it. Dont let it. Just be thankful that you've found out now and have a chance to quit.
You can do this!
I look forward to seeing more of you around hete and please post as often as you need to.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by gvh62479
Hi everyone, Im new to this forum. Just reading some of these blogs and trying to reach out. And seek advice. I feel your pain. I am a 38 yr old single mom. I have been alcoholic some 20 years. With the last 7-10 getting really bad, meaning drinking myself to sleep every night after work, it started off with 5-7 beers a night and gradually went up, The latest/worst was about a 1/5 of vodka every night mixed with a lime-a-rita or wine. I never even realized how long it had been until last week when I had stomach bloating and a bad ache under my ribs that wouldnt go away. I started googling my symptoms. And the first result that came up was "Ascitis" which you probably know is associated with severe alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis of the liver. I got scared ********!That's when I started counting how many years I've been drinking heavily and researching about cirrhosis, I found that It comes about 10-20 years after drinking heavily, its easier for women to get it bc we don't have the enzyme that men do so its harder on a womans' body and harder for us to break down alcohol, and that a woman is 4 times more likely to get it if your overweight (I'm over weight) boy I wish I'd have known this earlier, well I knew alcohol wasn't good for us but I guess I was naive and didn't know all the exact details and didn't know all the odds were against me. Based on my drinking history and all the other factors involved, I just knew that when I went to ER they were going to tell me I had cirrhosis, and that I didn't have long to live. I even made arrangements with my mother that if it was bad to take my kids and sell my house for money to help raise them (which wouldn't be nearly enough to raise 2 young kids). I decided that night I've had enough, finally after all these years I had it in my mind to quit. I began to feel guilty, because now all the sudden when I'm at the brink of death (or so I thought) now I want to quit because this has hurt ME. Why didn't I ever think to quit all the nights my son begged and pleaded with me to stop. Why didn't I think or try to quit when I blacked out all those times and left my 12 year old son to look over my toddler? "And now all the sudden your ready when it's hurting you!.... Why didn't you try when it was hurting your kids?" I thought to myself. I felt like the most selfish mother ever. I always tried to convince myself that I was a good mother because my kids had a nice home to live in, they got everything they wanted, literally spoiled rotten, they wore nice clothes, etc. That was my excuse to continue drinking: I go above and beyond for my kids, so why cant I enjoy my drinks at night?.... I now realize that I over compensated bc I knew I was lacking in other areas (such as being a damn drunk!) A functioning alcoholic is all. I balled all night thinking how can I do this to my kids? How can I drink myself to death with nothing to leave them? How can I put the burden of raising two young children on my 60 yr old mother, who is getting ready to retire and relax and enjoy life's freedoms? I had a little bit of the shakes and a little sweating that first night, insomnia but that's it. I don't know if that was withdrawals or the stress about the situation. The following day I went to the ER, (this last Friday) I found out I have Alcoholic Hepatitis which as you probably know is the stage right before cirrhosis. It wasn't as bad as I thought but it's still bad. I can NEVER drink again, the doctor told me I still have a chance of developing cirrhosis, depending on how bad the hepatitis has damaged my liver and I am at greater risk for liver cancer due to my liver being damaged, my best chances are to stop drinking forever and some of the damage may be able to repair itself. But one thing is clear I cant drink anymore, unless I want to die, and I don't want to. I was told that one more binge drink can kill me. So good bye alcohol. I went home and gave all my alcohol away. I decided I cant leave my kids without a mother I don't care how bad I want a drink, what kind of withdrawals I have, I cant risk the chance of sudden death that I have control over, my babies are more important. I' going on 6 days, no withdrawals (Glory to God!) I don't even really feel like a drink. I was told by doc not to go cold turkey but the drug counselor/nurse told me I could and told me how. So I have. I wish you all the best of luck on your journey of sobriety. I know we can do this! To All the parents; our kids need us! I am just sooooo glad I caught this before it was full blown cirrhosis, had I not had that stomach ache on Friday I would have more than likely drank my self to death. I had no Idea how close I was to the place of no return. I pray for all of us to find the strength to stay on the road to a happy, healthy SOBER life! Best wishes!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Gerstner765
I am new to this site too I am 3 days without alcohol the first two was really bad with withdrawals today I woke up feeling great though just wanted to welcome u
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
How are you feeling today? Congrats on one week sober! I wanted to thank you for your story. Going to the dr scares the heck out of me. I’m still struggling but I came here today because I know that I have to stay sober if I want to live, and I very much want to. Alcohol is nothing but poison. I get sad when I think about all toxins I have put in my body over the years, it I’m trying to not dwell on the past. It only brings stress and frustration and I know that’s not good for sobriety. Anyway, thank you again for your story. You are helping me to stay sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Hi, I'm feeling ok, ive just been stressed, staying sober is not the problem it's the stress of my health predicament. I feel guilty every day. I can't help but to feel sad about possibly not being around to see my kids grow up because of mistake. I didn't sleep all night dull pain in my liver that won't go away and it's driving me crazy. God please help me through this! One day at a time
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Valley of the Sun, AZ
Posts: 3,458
Originally Posted by gvh62479
Hi, I'm feeling ok, ive just been stressed, staying sober is not the problem it's the stress of my health predicament. I feel guilty every day. I can't help but to feel sad about possibly not being around to see my kids grow up because of mistake. I didn't sleep all night dull pain in my liver that won't go away and it's driving me crazy. God please help me through this! One day at a time
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