Notices

The judgement of others

Old 01-17-2018, 08:03 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 172
The judgement of others

I know becoming sober is something that you have to do for yourself and you shouldn’t worry yourself about the judgement of others, that aside I’m also human and new to this experience so the I am affected by others think (or if that ever goes away). I have told most people I’m doing a 90 day challenge because you can get a lot of physiological benefits as well as physiological ones as kind of a build up to my lifestyle goal, but I don’t want or am not ready for the world knowing the real motive.

Truth is I don’t want people thinking she has kids and she was drinking too much? Was she drunk all the time? How bad is/was she??

How did you or how are you dealing with that? So far when I have told people why I’m going 90 days I’ve been met with the big surprised faced WHY??? And I’m already feeling judged so it’s kind of uncomfortable to be open about it or say I’m even doing any amount of days.
Readygo is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 08:10 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
I feel the same way! So far the only person I have told I am getting sober is my husband. I am full aware that telling my friends and coworkers will add more accountability, and by not telling them I am essentially setting myself up for relapse. But I just...can't. I'm ashamed and worried it will give me a reputation at work for being messed up. And I'm also incredibly worried that if I fall off the wagon AGAIN it will be a million times more humiliating if everyone knew I was sober.

I know my thinking on all of this is wrong.
ProfessorD is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 08:16 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
DreamCatcher17's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
There are a very select few people who know that I am in AA.
Not everyone needs to know.

If I am out and people offer me a drink or ask why I am not the answer is "I have to drive" or "I have my son at home" or I dont like how alcohol makes me feel.

All of which are true!
DreamCatcher17 is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 08:28 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
under new management
 
2ndhandrose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,338
Nothing wrong with letting this information be on a "need to know" basis. In other words, most people, maybe aside from the people closest to you, don't need to know.

I told my nearest and dearest, but, 3 years in, I have yet to tell anyone that I work with. Although, after being gifted by co-workers with, not one, not two, but three bottles of wine this past Christmas, I think I am going to nonchalantly start spreading the word that I don't drink

In my opinion, I think it is fine to only share what you feel comfortable with and only to whomever you feel comfortable with.

Also, it is perfectly acceptable to say that you are removing alcohol simply for the reason that you feel healthier and happier without it, no need to share extra details.

And one final point there will always be someone out there, judging others.

2ndhandrose is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 08:29 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, protect yourself I'd say. Not everyone needs to know all the details.

"I'm taking a break," is sufficient explanation for now until you come up with something you feel fits better.

I say that to acquaintances sometimes. It's the truth. My break will last until I die. No need for me to go into the whys and wherefores.

At the end of 90 days maybe it will be, "I liked being alcohol free so much I'm going to keep it going!"
biminiblue is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 08:37 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Hears The Voice
 
Nonsensical's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
What judgments teach us:

I see broccoli.
I think, I don't like broccoli.
Did you just learn about broccoli or me?
Has the broccoli done something wrong?
Should the broccoli feel bad because I don't like it?

Jimmy sees me not drinking.
Jimmy thinks Nons is a jackass for not drinking.
What did we learn?


Keep on rocking that sobriety RG!

I judge you A-OK!
Nonsensical is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 08:58 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 131
Just taking a break from alcohol to get/keep in shape, its an open ended break I'm not specific on the time frame. A lot of people do that for whatever reason at some point in their lives so that is quite acceptable. If i get to know someone well-ash then i took that break some years ago, felt great and it became a habit of its own not to drink and never saw the point in going back to it; i had started new hobbies and gain new interests away from the pub/bar/club and go really interested in them. Some people may comment how they could never do that or ask if i have sworn off it or the like. I try and keep it light, i know why i don't drink and i know the history of my life; I'm not on some kind of crusade against alcohol as most people can enjoy it in moderation. From experience making a big stand against alcohol never helped me whereas this way has kept me sober for quite a while.
EliL is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 09:01 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I felt that way too for a bit. Until I realized I cared more about getting better than I cared about what other people thought of me. And the more I got better the less I cared what they thought anyway. =)
BlownOne is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 09:04 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Others judging me tells me a lot more about them than about me.

I know that I cannot ever drink again; I am completely accepting of this simple fact. I can't control what others think or how they act. I've got enough to worry about, so to speak, for me and mine, and for those whom I might be of service to in my recovery (which for me equals my whole life, as that's the basis).

I also heard early on that "no" is a complete sentence. I for one didn't have a problem saying no- I also didn't spend time with folks who'd even question it. I gradually shared my story, in varying degrees, until I publicly came out with being a recovering alcoholic for purposes of the restaurant industry recovery group I run and between 14 mo and present, 23 mo this wkd, I have become completely transparent and open with everyone - I don't provide gory details but am well versed in sharing my story.

Finding what works for me to keep me sober was the key. Simply put, I don't give anyone a seat at my table unless they are trying to live their own best lives. And that definitely includes kindness and compassion to others, certainly to me as their friend as I extend such to them. Anyone else is really of no consequence to me in terms of my recovery.
August252015 is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 09:10 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
I normally don't give a flying monkey what people think, except when it comes to what I drank and how frequently I drank. I was raised that drunks are bums. The happy ones become Hobos People who drank to excess were never spoken of well in our household and when your father is who my father was, you know who the drunks are and what they do (at least Dad did) and that your children should never associate with those people or their children. We would mention a friend's name, my father's immediate response, Who is their parents? if we didn't know, where do they live? If their parents had a parking ticket - we were no longer allowed to play with them LOL I exaggerate, but it sure at times felt that way.

So I still feel that shame. I remember my ex going to the hospital - I didn't know what DT's or withdrawal was, the doctor closing the curtains and speaking to him, very quietly, I felt like all the nurses stared at us on the way out, people knew I was married to a drunk. I have never felt more like garbage in my life. It was one of my biggest resentments and one of the hardest to let go - he made me someone I would never associate with, by him having a drinking problem and by me developing my own. I was trash, garbage, someone to look down on. I was a worthless drunk. Words I heard about other people - even the Mayor once, while growing up.

So no, I don't care if people know I don't drink anymore, I have committed to a year sober and smober, I give different reasons, I have some work I want to have done, it's not good, now that the girls are getting older, to see me drink frequently, we want them learning good skills, too many calories, we're training for a bike ride/race... At this point and it may change, any answer but, I have a problem with the drink.
MyLittleHorsie is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 10:19 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
 
doggonecarl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,961
Originally Posted by Readygo View Post
How did you or how are you dealing with that?
When I drank, I wasn't ashamed of who knew I did, or how much, or who saw me drunk, or how often.

So I'm darn sure not ashamed of who knows I'm sober and don't drink now.

But that's me. You feel other people's judgement. I can't tell you how to handle that.
doggonecarl is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 10:38 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mavie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 40
One thing I might add from my own perspective: when a friend of mine quit drinking awhile back, the reason I asked her "Why?" was because it gave me a sudden sense of insecurity and shame. Misery loves company. I knew I had a problem, but whenever she and I drank/ got hammered together, it validated ME. I used it to lie to myself that I was ok and "everybody does this". Looking back, I am starting to realize that the judgement I cast one her sobriety was really my conscience scrambling for an alternative justification to my own behavior.
Mavie is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 10:49 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
quat
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,819
I honestly won't know if any coworkers or acquaintances have recently quit or are long time abstinent. I don't get the sense that anyone really cares that I don't drink.
There were few people that cared that I did though, those that were hurt by my actions, pretty sure all of them are happy I quit, and that's all I need to worry about

I don't tell people I quit drinking , I don't consider it any of their business , don't lie about the fact that I don't , it just doesn't comes up much in conversation .
dwtbd is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 11:48 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Guest
 
ReadyAtLast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I don't tell anyone except my husband. It's no one's business but mine and I owe no one an explanation.

I'm not ashamed of telling people I quit drinking. There is no shame in it. I'm female with young kid too. I think in early days many people either are excited or feel they should tell people but really it's no one seems business and really no one is really bothered anyway ☺
ReadyAtLast is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 11:57 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 634
A few select people know the full details but that's it. I do tell people I don't drink as I'm pretty proud of it! I have had people ask why but I just say I was drinking too much, it wasn't really healthy. I don't elaborate and they don't ask. One person surprised me and said, "Well done you, that is great". I'm a mum of two young kids. Some people might judge but that is their problem not mine. I'm doing a very good thing for myself and my family, it does not deserve judgment really but people like to do such things! Not everyone though, remember that.
JJ991 is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 12:32 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Welsh member.
 
Trohyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Ireland
Posts: 328
My current excuse:
I'm allergic to alcohol. It brings me out in handcuffs!
Trohyn is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 12:38 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
No Dogma Please
 
MindfulMan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I pretty much tell everyone. I bought motorcycle gear, I told the salespeople that learning to ride was a present to myself for sobriety. I told a bartender last night when he asked if I were sure I didn't want a free glass of champagne. I have told nearly everyone I know. Part of it is because I'm so much happier now, and part of it is to keep myself accountable. If people know I'm in recovery they'll know if I'm drunk or high; those closest to me will call me on it. As a matter of fact, they've been asked to do so.

The only area where I haven't disclosed this information is in my work and professional life. Generally if people judge me, I could give a rat's butt. However, if they have an influence on my livelihood it's another story.
MindfulMan is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 12:46 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
LateBloominCait's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 201
I totally get why you feel that way. At the same time, many people out there know how hard it is to quit and how brave you have to be to do it. I think you will be surprised at how many people out there admire you for what you're doing. I have been amazed at the support I have received from friends who I feel comfortable telling. You are doing something really great for your children and family by working for sobriety. If someone judges you for that, it says a lot about who they are and how they feel about themselves IMO. You're doing what you need to do to be well. That is always admirable in my estimation.
LateBloominCait is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 12:48 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
And I’m already feeling judged so it’s kind of uncomfortable to be open about it or say I’m even doing any amount of days.

well, you're the one that announced your PLAN.....did you not consider that someone might have questions?

you could have said you were taking up hot yoga, or veganism, or some other 90 day challenge, and you would have been likely to have an inquiry or two. often people are just being polite, appearing to care. most of the time, nobody really cares what others are doing.....they are wrapped up in their own stuff.

i think the "judgement" you are hearing ar your own projections on your drinking behaviors.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 01-17-2018, 12:51 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
JustTony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
I've told everyone that cares I'm not drinking because I drink far too much.

Some people I have told that I quit because I have a drink problem.

A few I have told I'm an alcoholic.

I hid for so long I just got sick of hiding.
JustTony is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:15 AM.