NewChapterJan18

Hi All,

I hate that I am back at square one, but I am so grateful to have such a supportive community to rely on for support through the challenging times. I am in my late 20s now, but all through my early 20s I was quite involved in the party scene. I had a college degree, held down good jobs and progressed with promotions, studied another third level course whilst working full time. I got married a year and a half ago and I have just started my own business. Things are great on the surface. Outwardly things would seem fine, but my drinking and behaviour just escalated and my anxiety and guilt was destroying me, I was acting so shamefully and found that I had begun telling ridiculous lies when drunk. I cut down on my alcohol intake A LOT, and distanced myself from nearly all of my 'party friends', reconnecting with my good friends and hobbies instead.

I have stayed sober for several months or weeks at a time intermittently over the past 2 years since deciding once and for all that I had to make a solid change, and those periods have been so great. Yet, I have still fallen off the wagon a handful of times in the meantime. This weekend was the worst. I lost 3 whole days and the end of the session is a total blackout. It all started fine, just my husband and I having a few drinks with our friend, another friend of his and his new girlfriend. Everything was fine for the night until we went back to the after party and things got so messy and blurry. I just remember talking about things and mixing horrendous lies and half truths and I feel wretched. Does anyone else do this? I am such a truthful person when sober and I cannot understand why I tell these awful lies while drunk. For attention, it seems, which is just disgusting to me.

I am not willing to live my life in this cycle anymore, and I've decided the time has come to break the cycle and make the final push towards complete sobriety, not partial sobriety for a few months here and there.

I apologise for my venting, I just needed to get it out there and feel accountable and take responsibility. I am making a late new year resolution - I will post and read the forums here every day, offering my support to others and keeping myself in check also.

Thank you for reading and for accepting me.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome new chapter. Come and join us in the January class too for people quiting this month. ☺

anxiousrock

Addicts tend to lie to get what they want. Example: people begging in the street for money for food when they know full well they’re going to buy a bottle or a bit.
I have told many lies when drinking/drunk or the next day.
It’s why I wanted to stop so bad. I hate the guilt of lying.
Have you been to any AA meetings?

NewChapterJan18

Thanks ReadyAtLast, I tried to join however it seems to say the thread is locked? Do you know why this would be the case? Perhaps I’m looking at the wrong thread - if you could post th link here I would really really appreciate it! Thank you

ReadyAtLast

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-2-a-7.html

No problem

NewChapterJan18

Hi Anarock,

I saw a psychotherapist for 2 months last year and this helped. I stayed sober for 4 months and felt so much better for it. There are some things however that I just can't bring myself to talk about, and I think the guilt of this is the underlying cause of my anxiety and why I repeat this cycle of doing so well and then falling back into alcohol dependency. I feel if I can bring myself to just abolish alcohol from my life for good, I will be so much happier and eventually learn to leave things in the past.

Did you find AA helped you to finally set your demons aside?

Anna

I think that one of the most important factors in alcoholism is what happens to us when we drink. I became a person I hated. It isn't always about how often you drink or how much. I became someone who lied all the time, too.

NewChapterJan18

That's exactly it, Anna. Reducing the frequency of drinking or benders has not been enough, and in my heart I always knew it couldn't be - I have to stop full time, all the time, for good, in order to truly change and make amends.

I hate who I become when I am drunk. I abandon my values and all of the things that I aspire to and work hard for when I am sober. I am deceitful, I tell outrageous and appalling lies, I can be argumentative, rude, aggressive and outlandish. I spend too much and I behave in ways that re the complete opposite to how I would ever behave when sober.

I have decided to say goodbye to that person. I cannot undo the damage I have caused, but i can sure as hell prevent any further damage, and try to make amends where possible.

Verdantia

Welcome, NewChapter! When I drank I became someone that I hated, and I didn't care about anything or anyone. SR is a great place for help and encouragement and I hope you hang around with us. Best wishes for peace and strength on your sober journey.

ubntubnt

Hi New Chapter, nice to meet you. I can absolutely relate to the benders as you describe them. I just finished my worst one ever where I verbally abused my wife who I love for seemingly no reason and became someone I didn't recognise. 3 days of around the clock drinking totally out of control. I could have died. And this was after a full and productive work week with virtually no drinking. Its doesn't get better, its gets worse, in my personal experience way worse. I have finally reached the point where I know 100% I can never drink again. If I do I will lose my family, job and my health.
It got to the point when I sobered up yesterday and was discussing things with my wife I told her that she would be well advised to leave me if I ever do that again and I advised her to read up on this site also. As far as I am concerned if I ever drink again its ALL gone. What what a 3 day bender did for me. Just horrendous. I hope you can quit for good and with the help of this site you will.

JoeCree

What are the nature of your lies? Harmful to speak of, but keeping them bottled up has only caused further grief. Perhaps you'd like to get this off your chest? Dont use anything that would identify you, but ive found there are several people in here that always share situations and similarities.