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Trying to be a True Friend

Old 01-15-2018, 09:24 AM
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Trying to be a True Friend

Iím not an Alcoholic,m. However, I grew up, and have been living most of my life around both functioning and non-functioning alcoholics.

My best friend is 41 years old and wants to have a baby with a guy that is clearly and alcohol abuser. Iím trying to be a friend and convince her that although her bio clock is ticking, and she is running out of time... this is not a very smart choice for a baby, and a smart, educated, independent woman such as herself. I canít seem to get through to her. Itís making her alienate me. I donít want to lose our friendship over this. Please help me with some advice or ideas on how to handle the situation.

The boyfriend start seeking her out after almost a year of their first break up. Itís goong on 2 weeks that they decided to get back together. He had too much to drink and informed her that he wants her to have his baby. He has a child of which he has primary custody. In his drunkenness he has been verbal abusive to her. He has never been to AA according to him, and has never been labeled an alcoholic. He has made efforts to quit drinking, and says he knows how to ďlimitĒ himself. I recognize these patterns of addictive behavior, and i truly concerned for my friend. We have been friends for over 20 years.... since high school, 10th grade year. Now Iím trying to be the voice of reason in her head, tell her the things she needs to hear, while a couple of other women are like being supportive of her decision. Their support makes me look pretty bad. The basis for their support is ďshe is independent and can raise a baby on her ownĒ. This breaks my heart because she is not realizing her worth, and not really thinking of the baby and his or her future. What do I do guys... go into this with her and act like everything will be ok.... or stand firm and have no part of it??!!!?????
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Old 01-15-2018, 09:40 AM
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There is nothing you can do. It's her life and she can make her own decisions. You can't control her or make her do what you want. You seem really caught up in her and his lives. Maybe take a step back let her get on with her life and be there for her if she needs you.
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Old 01-15-2018, 09:48 AM
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What a mess.

I recently had to leave a friendship of 25 years because of something similar where the woman insisted on making really bad choices and then trying to use me as her sounding board.

She wanted everyone else to listen, even after we had all seen the danger on the horizon and had said as much. Seemed like attention-seeking behavior to me and I couldn't play along.

Your friend will do what she will do. You can choose to be involved or tell her you aren't going to be.

I have enough on my own plate, TYVM.
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Old 01-15-2018, 10:15 AM
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I don't think you will get her to change her mind by the sounds of it. You've voiced your concerns but if you don't want to lose a friendship then you could just let her make her own choices and be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong. This would be the route I'd take as long as the situation was not hurting me in any way.
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Old 01-15-2018, 10:20 AM
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Not your monkey, not your circus.
She is a big girl and she wants to go through with this, that is her decision.
All you can do is be there for her, give your opinions when they are asked for.

I hope this won't ruin your friendship, if so hopefully just temporarily.

Be there when she needs you.

That is everything I would do in this situation.
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Old 01-15-2018, 01:32 PM
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Just sit back quietly and watch.

Thank you for your response. I am caught up because she includes me in everything about her life. I get the 2 am call or the 5 am call when she has to go to work sad, and I need my sleep very badly..... but Iím off on that day.

I may be over stepping, but I didnít ask her to offer my opinion, she asked and Offered. I guess since I have told her how I felt, then you are right. There is nothing I can do. I am the voice of the child 20 years from now. However, I guess I must look at it as, the baby is not here yet, and is just a baby.... so let him or her be born into whatever hell greets him or her. I am hoping for the best, but at the same time worried for the worse.

I work with children whose lives have been affected by drug and alcohol addiction. I see their learning disabilities and their poor quality of their lives. Yet, I must sit back, and watch this possible train wreck. I totally get it.
Thanks again.
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Old 01-15-2018, 01:47 PM
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What a Mess is Right

Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
What a mess.

I recently had to leave a friendship of 25 years because of something similar where the woman insisted on making really bad choices and then trying to use me as her sounding board.

She wanted everyone else to listen, even after we had all seen the danger on the horizon and had said as much. Seemed like attention-seeking behavior to me and I couldn't play along.

Your friend will do what she will do. You can choose to be involved or tell her you aren't going to be.

I have enough on my own plate, TYVM.
Thanks for a thoughtful response. I am wondering if my concern is more for her or for the baby. At the end of the day itís always about the baby as it should be. I work with children in Title one schools. I see the effects of children born into situations with disfunctional homes due to substance abuse, as well as the child herself who does not know what is the answer to 5-2 and is a third grader with an IQ of 62.

So my point is if this would hurt just her... I could sit back and say do what you need to do, forget my advice, and Iíll be there for you after. However, this will also hurt the baby, and thatís where my biggest concern is. I mean ill be there regardless, itís just the part of having a baby with this loser guy that bothers me so much. What if she ends the friendship over this? What if I feel as you did and end the friendship? Itís been 25-26 years. I canít believe we are somewhat at crossroads over this. No friendship is perfect, but I wanted more for her, and certainly more for her future children.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
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Old 01-15-2018, 01:56 PM
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I think, ultimately, your friend will make the decision that she thinks is right for her. The fact that the would-be father is an addict is disturbing. But, perhaps you can take a step back. You say that you wanted more for her and more for her future children. But, that's not a choice you can make. Your friend may believe that having a baby now is the best choice for her, so you will need to decide whether you can live with that or not.
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Old 01-15-2018, 05:39 PM
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I am caught up because she includes me in everything about her life. I get the 2 am call or the 5 am call when she has to go to work sad, and I need my sleep very badly..... but Iím off on that day.

is it possible you two are a bit TOO enmeshed?

go into this with her and act like everything will be ok

is this really something that you would be going INTO with her? it's her relationship with this man. her decision whether or not to try and get pregnant. her pregnancy. i understand the situation is not ideal.....but it's HER situation, eh? if you two have been friends since 10th grade, 20 years on, you are both in your 30s now. each should have their own lives, separate and individual. there should be some space between you.

they've only been back together for two weeks. maybe give time time. maybe give yourself a bit more space. we don't HAVE to answer every phone. that's why god made voicemail. and we certainly can turn our phones OFF while we sleep. no reason to take 2am calls because someone has a sad feeling.
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