ch4ng3

I need some advice. I've been abusing various opiates for about 5 years. The past two years have been clean with the exception of Christmas 2016 and 2017 - a time of year that seems to magnify my problems.

I met a woman on a work training day back in 2014. At this point I was deep in addiction. We got on instantly and when I got home I remember thinking how amazing she was but I didn't know her name!

Six months later we started working together. She is 39 and I'm 33. She is a consultant at work and I am a trainee. As such, I didn't think I stood a chance, and she was seeing another consultant at the time. We worked together for another 2.5 years. It was great. We enjoyed each others company and had a lot of fun. She never spoke about her boyfriend in front of me apart from once when she was asked outright by someone else - she looked awkward.

In my last few months before rotating things changed. She was much more physical and was trying to find out more about me. I left in August. Since then we have met up a few times and been in regular contact via text etc. I've been scared to get hurt and so have made excuses when she has wanted to meet up which is lame I know.

I relapsed the week before Christmas. She texted me randomly during it to meet up but I decided not to until last Wednesday. We went out for a meal. I was so anxious it was untrue! I guess I was feeling ****** about slipping up, and also I wanted her to know who I was. I told her about my drug use, my slip up and also my childhood (severe abuse, teenage runaway, eventually went to medical school).

She was actually pretty cool about it and was defo intrigued! On the way home we walked to the tube arm in arm. I said that I wasn't looking for romance even though I really want it with her because I guess I am scared and obviously I have issues with relationships, which I tend to avoid. She said that she would be my friend.

She texted me later to see if I got home OK and to catch up again. I sent her a message apologising about dumping on her. She said that what I had told her was intense but she wasn't that shocked. We are going to see each other next week.

Slipping up again this Christmas made me realise that my issues around loneliness and relationships have remained despite me not using drugs anymore. I started seeing a psychologist last week and have made commitment to myself to work on my relationships (or lack thereof) by taking some time out from training (although I am still working full-time).

My dream for as long as I can remember has been to fall for a friend. I'm not sure if this is a good idea? I certainly do need a friend right now but I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt.

I just need advice. Thank you for reading..

Anna

I think it's always a great idea to fall in love with your best friend.

There is always going to be a possibility of getting hurt. The only way to avoid getting hurt is to never get involved with anyone.

ch4ng3

Thanks Anna... You're right, I know... I really feel that if I can get a decent relationship everything else will fall into place for me. Relationships just fill me with anxiety and self-doubt. I never feel good enough.

I'm going to see her more often and just take it from there. I guess the more comfortable I feel around her in a non-professional context, the easier things will be, and hopefully my dream will come true.

Offthemast

I'd have minimal expectations. If it doesn't work out you are setting yourself up for major disappointment and possible relapse.


Disclaimer: Not sure if this is good advice or not

Good luck. I hope she's the one.

Anna

You must have a good relationship with yourself before things will fall into place. Don't make the mistake of looking outside of yourself for what you need. Love yourself and everything else good will follow.

ch4ng3

Thanks guys. Yes I get that I need to practice self-love and I'm working on that. At the same time I know that I need someone else's love!

I know that in pop culture and especially in recovery we are told to look within. I myself think things are never ever dogmatic or black and white. There are things I like about me and others I don't which I am working on.

Dee74

I think you're wise to focus on yourself right now ch4ng3

We all want someone else love but my problem was I wanted it too much, and for the wrong reasons. I wanted love to fix me, and to stop me from feeling alone.

Love could never do that for me - but spending time in my own company and getting comfortable with who I am, did.

When I did find love again, that needy desperation was gone - and I had no expectations any more that it was my partners job to fix me.

D