Afraid I am going to relapse
 

I have been sober 17+ months from crack cocaine. Things are going great for me, I’m doing well my job and have a girlfriend who cares for me. Recently I’ve been considering using. I have looked up my old dealers phone number and driven by his house. I am reading about cocaine online and obsessing about it. Its most difficult when I am alone.

I have been down this road many times I started using alcohol and drugs when I was 16 and I am now 42. Crack taken so many things away from me in my life it’s hard to believe I would consider using it again. This time of year is hard, I am less active and with my girlfriend schedule I’m spending more time alone. I have told a few people that I have been struggling but it doesn’t seem to help. It surprises me that with this msuch clean time that things would be so difficult. I am looking for encouragement, I know I will never achieve the things in life I want to if I go back to Using. If anyone has similar experiences and has gotten through them I would love to hear about it.

I had over 3 years sober and started drinking again. Thst was nearly 2 years ago and ivery spent all that time drinking or trying to stop again. How I wish I'd not picked up.

Do what you need to do to stay clean. Stay on here. Get real life f2f support from people who DO understand. Go to na therapy. Do the things you enjoy. Exercise read listen to music dance exercise eat ice cream travel throw yourself into work. Do anything but pick up.

They are just thoughts. You dontvhavecto sct on them. They have no power. You obviously don't want to use

I’m glad you came and posted BEFORE you used!

Like OP points out, thoughts are just thoughts. Ride them out but no matter what DO NOT USE!

Go back and read all your threads and also make a list of all the stuff they would happen if you do use. Play the tape, that always helps me. You have come such a long way and I am very proud that you came here for help first. Please keep us posted .

Thanks. I actually feel better after spending some time reading here. I have been less engaged in recovery and it will bite me in the ass if I let it. I am not naïve enough to believe that I could use only once. It’s never been that way before. I’m going to go hang out with some people and not spend Saturday night alone thinking of using. As long as I don’t get depressed and say **** it I will be OK. I have actually come such a long way!

10 years clean off the evil stuff.

it's time to double down on recovery. however you "looked up" your dealer's number, ditch it. get it out of your phone, off the scrap of paper in your wallet, wherever. no more drive bys. crack has NOTHING to offer.....it won't be like it was....it never WAS like it WAS. it's a lie. it will be worse. your addiction progresses whether you use or not.......if you were never paranoid and geeked before, you will next time. your mind and body will not react WELL at all...there will be no bliss, no good times.

change the dialogue. no means no period. not today, not tomorrow, not ever. PERIOD. get busy with GOOD stuff......start a project, tackle the garage, wallpaper the bedroom. pick up an old hobby or interest....dust off the piano or the guitar......hell take up needlepoint!

download speaker tapes. read some positive healing literature. you have the power to turn your mind away from that dead end road.

glad you are here! glad you reached out!

Thanks for the awesome post. I know you speak the truth. About the phone number it’s actually still memorized in my head and I called it the other night. He picked up and I hung up the phone. I have a blocked in my phone so he can’t reach me but at the same time that means I can look it up. I hope in time I can just forget it.

The phone number is really beside the point. It’s up to me to make smart choices and work my recovery program as Its never hard to score only hard to get back in recovery

Welcome and I'm glad that you posted and that you are seeking support to avoid using again. We do understand that there are ups and downs in recovery and it's great that you recognize you are somewhat vulnerable at the moment. We are here for you!

Welcome to the site tennis addict and congrats on 17 months. Like RAL, I had a few years sober and then relapsed. You’re not missing anything🙂 I think you need to double down on your recovery effort. Work out what you need to do for personal growth and then do it. I wish I’d followed my own advice two years ago. Best of luck man.

Welcoem TennisAddict :)
I really threw myself into this community - posted and read daily - or more than daily.

I posted when I felt wobbly and asked for help, and when I felt good I posted to others - that reinforced to me I did actually know what to do to stay, in my case, sober.

Its a good start :)

I'm dead serious when I say this. Look up Tom Hardy's story on addiction.

Thanks guys for the support and advice :)

Unfortunately addiction ends up being something you have to keep fighting! Hang in there, keep your head down, and it will pass again.

how are you today TennisAddict ?

when i spend time with newcomers in the halfway house who have lost everything i feel very grateful

gratitude dissolves my desire to drink/ drug

:tyou

It’s a good day today. I am grateful I didn’t use yesterday and that I will be with my family today.

I am thinking about my week. I have decided to go to my aftercare group I used to go to tomorrow. I want to stay busy as I will have free time in tht evenings this week. Exercise and meetings are the plan 👍