RAH Cheated While Still Using
 

Hello,
My AH of 18yrs has always liked to drink and it often caused communication problems in our marriage but it seemed manageable overall. Unfortunately, things escalated a few months ago when he was traveling a lot for work. He met a married mom of 3 at a bar while on his regular out of state trip and began a 2 month long affair.

He initially didn’t tell me about the affair but instead used the excuse of my poor money management (whole other issue) as a big drama that caused him to want a divorce. Nevermind that we have 2 kids and have built a life together.

Instead, he went back to the state she lives in and resumed his affair all the while telling me all our marital issues were my fault and standing firm on wanting a divorce. Well, he then “came to his senses” as he put it and came back to me. Part of that reconciliation was admitting the affair and his alcoholism that had escalated.

Instead of kicking him out I supported his sobriety and insisted on marriage counseling and his commitment not to contact her again. As far as I know he never did. However, he is now about 40 days sober, very active in AA and obsessed with working out and his looks. Trading one addiction for another I guess.

Meanwhile I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. He goes from being sympathetic about the hurt he’s caused me to justifying his behavior again because I hid money problems from him.

Now, after spending a week back in the state the other woman lives in and going to AA mtgs there, checking in with me everywhere he goes, he decided to stop taking his antidepressants cold turkey and says he wants a separation. Actually flew into town yesterday and instead of spending time with me and the kids after being gone the whole week he moved out saying we still fight too much and he resents checking in with me and needs space to get over his resentments towards me.

I initially pleaded to him not to leave me and the kids again but now I’m thinking I do want to separate. I’m tired of this roller coaster ride and want off. Now I’m left trying to figure out what to do next. Wondering if he’s cheating again? Wondering if my marriage is completely over now? My therapist told me to draw a line in the sand and when I have he lashes out and deflects. Is this typical behavior during recovery? Thanks in advance

Hi, Jewelstar.
Welcome.
Well, it does sound like something’s up.
Maybe reconnected re the affair or drinking, or both.
How about you let him go and just let things unfold?
Much easier said than done, especially with children, I know.
But it kinda sounds like you could use some space and time to figure this all out.
Time and distance often brings clarity.
Peace.

Thank you for your response. I believe you are right, I’m going to stop all contact with him unless it’s in regards to the kids/house and just let him go. I need to focus on me.

Get thee to a lawyer and find out where you stand legally

Trust your gut--I agree with MC something's up

Wondering if he’s cheating again?

i think anytime we use the words CHEATING and AGAIN, there are problems that have gone beyond repair. how many times does one get to violate the tenants of marriage? for ANY reason?

When You've Rised Out of Denial
 

Oh honey I have walked in your shoes. Affirmations help along with the best lawyer. (HE HAS TO PAY BECAUSE OF THE ADULTERY) I don't know your Religious beliefs so know offence intended. BUT holy hell your gut knows. Try these:

"Revenge is not in my plans. You'll f***k yourself on your own"
"

"Don't cry because it's over; SMILE because that a**hole is finally someone else's problem"

"After a breakup, the loyal one stays single with the damage until healed. The other one is already in another relationship "

"If you love someone set them free, If they come back, it means no one else wanted them. Set them free again."

"When life puts you in tough situations don't say "Why me" say "Try me"

Best of luck

Hi, Jewelstar--sounds like you're in a bad place, and I'm sorry you've got all this to deal with. I hope you find help here at SR.

Can I suggest that you start a thread over in "Families and Friends of Alcoholics" (link https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ )? You might find there are some folks there w/insights and information you'd find useful.

Hope to see you over there soon, and wishing you strength and clarity as you decide what path to pursue going forward.

What is an RAH?

Recovering Alcoholic Husband.