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Old 01-12-2018, 04:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My journey of sobriety BEGINS (never give up until your last breath)


Hey everyone. I used to be a member of SR as Skywalker91. I relapsed again and things got VERY VERY bad. I decided starting with a new username would be a great idea as I am starting my recovery again.

I am officially sick and tired of being sick and tired. Although I have had various attempts at recovery I really can’t give up because my only other options are - death, insanity, or incarceration. I don’t want that. So I am going to try even if it is my fifth or eighth attempt at sobriety. I am clearly missing something but hopefully this time I figure it out! I have to because my relapses has gotten to the point of utter chaos.

Hi everyone

Btw my DOC : crystal meth and I suffer from pornography and sex addiction as well

Today I request that whomever reads this post PLEASE say a prayer for me in which I can finally start living without succumbing to my DOC and inevitable downfall.

Last edited by MisterM; 01-12-2018 at 04:08 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Sending up a prayer for you right now MisterM

Welcome back!
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi MisterM - I'm so glad you decided to rejoin us. Prayers going up for you to get free and enjoy your new life.
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A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

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Old 01-12-2018, 04:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you 2ndhandrose! SR and SR alone got me a lot of clean time once and I am hoping this time it gets me to permanent sobriety. It feels good to be on here with others facing similar struggles.


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Sending up a prayer for you right now MisterM

Welcome back!
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you Hevyn! I have spent countless nights alone in my bed praying for this disease to go away but being on SR here with others and getting their prayers might just be what does the trick.

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Hi MisterM - I'm so glad you decided to rejoin us. Prayers going up for you to get free and enjoy your new life.
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

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Old 01-12-2018, 04:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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My prayer just sent and received.

Never underestimate a recovering addict we fight for our lives everyday in ways most people will never understand
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome back MisterM

what are you looking to do differently or add this time?

D
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you

and I agree 100% we do fight for our lives everyday in ways most people will NEVER understand. (so glad places like SR exist because it connects those that understand!)

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My prayer just sent and received.

Never underestimate a recovering addict we fight for our lives everyday in ways most people will never understand
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you Dee74

Great question! One thing that is different this time is that I have decided on a goal career-wise that I am more than ever determined to complete.

A few others: 1) Post at least once every day on SR
2) Changed my phone number so old using contacts won't be able to find me
3) Build a stronger relationship with my HP

I am still thinking of what else I can do differently or add this time ...

I have tried- AA (for 3 months), Therapy(12 months), IOP(2 months), Sober living(3 months), Geographic change ( 2 times)

so...any thing you recommend I will appreciate!



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Welcome back MisterM

what are you looking to do differently or add this time?

D
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I have just said a prayer for you and I truly, truly wish you the best. I'm right there with you - I know. It's hard, but we owe ourselves freedom, and we owe ourselves the restoration of our self-esteem. GO US!!! All of us here.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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CM is a demon - I thankfully was too busy with my narcotics and drinking to get involved with that, but I did try it a couple of times and I thank God that my access to it was limited and very short-lived. You are on the road to freedom and you never have to go down that road again. Now you get to choose your own path!
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Prayers and lots of good thoughts coming at you bud! You can do this!
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:52 PM   #14 (permalink)
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CM is definitely a demon. I think it is the closest one will ever get to the devil himself. CM had me at a train station at 5AM going to meet someone who would get me my next "fix", CM caused me to isolate from people I love and disappoint them in ways I could never imagine. CM has caused me to disconnect from my HP in ways I never thought I would ( I fast and pray a lot so it surprises me when I continually relapse!) CM has kept me from completing goals and dreams and miss opportunities for financial advancement. CM has truly taken away anything that truly mattered to me countless times and yet I have the uncontrollable urge to use...it truly is the the devils drug.

But yes it is good to be on the road to freedom...

You are very lucky that your access to it was so limited, may I ask why and or how?

Being part of the gay/bisexual community makes it way too easy to access where I live. If there is a place where access is limited take me with you! lol

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CM is a demon - I thankfully was too busy with my narcotics and drinking to get involved with that, but I did try it a couple of times and I thank God that my access to it was limited and very short-lived. You are on the road to freedom and you never have to go down that road again. Now you get to choose your own path!
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Old 01-12-2018, 06:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks bud! It feels like attempt # 1,000,000,000 (maybe it is). I appreciate the good thoughts and prayers.

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Prayers and lots of good thoughts coming at you bud! You can do this!
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Old 01-12-2018, 07:23 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Question for you guys:

I have one course to complete before graduate school in fall 2018.

However, the course is tough and requires a lot of memorization and studying. I enjoy the subject and it keeps me excited and motivated. However, I need at least a B in the course for admittance into the program I applied to.

The course begins in TWO weeks. I will be taking the course a few blocks away from one of the areas where l most recently used.

I don't know what to do. I really don't want to postpone taking this course AGAIN as I did in the past. And prior to my relapse I have been studying daily for the course.

Will it be worth taking this course with so little sobriety time? What if I don't do well and I waste money on the course? I mean I REALLY want to complete it but I want to do well in it too...I was able to complete courses in the past with a few days sober but this is not one of those "easy" courses...

Any thoughts or input will be appreciated.

Thank you
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Old 01-12-2018, 07:29 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I recommend looking at some of the ideas here on recovery action plans, even if you've read the links before.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

as far as the course goes...at this point in recovery, for some it would be a boon, and for others a burden

Only you can really decide whether it will be good for you right now or not.

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Old 01-12-2018, 08:05 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Thanks Dee, I always glance at the recovery action plan links but this time I will make sure to read it thoroughly as I have been clearly missing something.

Re: the course. I guess it really is up to me but it is a tough decision. I have put off the course one too many times. I mean have some sort of structure and goal is important so taking a course would give me that. I guess I will have to make a pro con list and see how the first few days sober-wise goes.


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I recommend looking at some of the ideas here on recovery action plans, even if you've read the links before.


as far as the course goes...at this point in recovery, for some it would be a boon, and for others a burden

Only you can really decide whether it will be good for you right now or not.

D
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Old 01-12-2018, 11:43 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I wish i could tell you where it was unavailable! I mean my own access was limited because I lost contact with the person who introduced me toCM and wound up in a different crowd, mostly hard drinkers and pill poppers. It is a devastating drug - just you please hang in there with me - I know the grip will loosen! I know it is a huge part of the gay/bi community- that is also true in my area (vibrant gay community). It is heartbreaking- so many beautiful young people who have finally come out and are ready to enjoy their freedom and CM just snatches that and everything else of value. I was an absolute slave to narcotic painkillers for 15 years. Alcohol has also - ugh, it is horrifying when I have these moments of clarity (though I cling to them for dear life as well). The shame that I internalized set me up for addiction, and then my addiction has compounded my shame so terribly. I have always tended to isolate and withdraw, and then I use so I donít have to admit that Iím lonely. God what a mess. We can do this!



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CM is definitely a demon. I think it is the closest one will ever get to the devil himself. CM had me at a train station at 5AM going to meet someone who would get me my next "fix", CM caused me to isolate from people I love and disappoint them in ways I could never imagine. CM has caused me to disconnect from my HP in ways I never thought I would ( I fast and pray a lot so it surprises me when I continually relapse!) CM has kept me from completing goals and dreams and miss opportunities for financial advancement. CM has truly taken away anything that truly mattered to me countless times and yet I have the uncontrollable urge to use...it truly is the the devils drug.

But yes it is good to be on the road to freedom...

You are very lucky that your access to it was so limited, may I ask why and or how?

Being part of the gay/bisexual community makes it way too easy to access where I live. If there is a place where access is limited take me with you! lol
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Old 01-13-2018, 05:39 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Sending prayers, Mister M. I am glad you are back. SR has been a great help to me. Wishing you the best on your sober journey.
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