I really, really want to be sober but I'm scared of people
 

I'm so tired of running in circles. I am so tired of isolating and drinking, but it is so entrenched, it is the only way I know to find comfort. I have tried and failed so many times. I can't make it stick! Every single time, I get a few days of sobriety and I start to convince myself that abstinence isn't necessary. I have serious issues with intimacy, and the one time I did get far enough along to find a sponsor, I wound up pulling a disappearing act and going back to drinking/using, because I am so profoundly uncomfortable with close relationships. I am so unbearably self-conscious of everything I say and do, and I can't stop that inner dialogue that questions how everyone around me is feeling and reacting to me. So I just isolate. The sponsor relationship is terrifying to me - I just really don't know if I can ever get to that point, but I cannot recover alone. I really need help. Any advice? Thank you.

It's not the questions causing the problem. It's your reaction to what you think the answers might be that is the problem.
You can change the way you think about your perception of the answers. It will be difficult because you don't have any experience doing it. You might benefit from some professional assistance to help you get started with that.

But change is possible.
That makes hope reasonable.

You can do this. :ring

Hi Fiona
I could have written what you shared word for word.
I know how you feel.
But I also know from experience as I'm sure you do drinking or using or whatever the hell we do to escape just amplifies our insecurities.
It's a new focus for me that I'm trying to develop and it will take time.
I've been very sick with addiction for a long time but I'm here to change that.
People sometimes warm my heart
People sometimes grate me to the bone
I seem to have been born with a few layers of protection missing

I take so much personally and then it has a conference in my head for days on end.
I'm convinced though absolutely 100% convinced that if i/we/you engage with esteemable character building activities
(And I know it's scary I retreat to my shell way too often.) That we will develop the extra layers of strength and protection that we mistakenly search for in our addictions.
I mean it's such a muddled life getting loaded.
For me it crushes my self esteem increases my inferiority and makes me detest people when in reality I am detesting only me.
This is a good community here.
Some great inspiring people.
I hope you stay!
But I need to a lot more beside coming here
I'm currently putting that together in my own life.
G

Hi Fiona - welcome back :)

I've never worked with a sponsor but I still got sober.
Don't let your fear set limits for you :)

D