Skin of my teeth
 

Hello,
So today is day 16. Today I woke up "early" 10:20A I spent my day filling out applications online.
Then I walked to a little cafe in my chilhood hometown at 2pm. Its really a townie restaurant
that specializes in breakfast. It felt so nice to get out. Since I associate this restaurant with breakfast I thought be nice to be waited on and get a bite to eat.
They must of obtained a liquor license because they had a full bar
on the shelf as well as wine/beer.
Well I had no intention to drink I wanted bacon and eggs.
My addicted brain grabs the "drink list" right away.
I had no physical desire to drink. I had no taste for it in my mouth.
My stomach even got a bit nauseated for a taste of the drink.
But my mind goes right at it..."wow they sell xyz . Its nice and cozy in here and a drink will sure take away the boredom. Don't squander this chance to drink , you are not working , there is plenty of time to quit when you find a job, your Dad won't notice. The boyfriend won't see you so he will never know. You can't get to smashed here but you can always walk a mile up the street to the other restaurant . blah blah blah
This is just absolutely insane I am actually talking myself into a drink and I am doing it when I am not craving/anxious/upset or alcohol sick.
Blows my mind that its just such even a forceful habit to me at time.
I did think it through and I think at the point of you can always walk
up the street a mile I knew in my heart my AV was all ready planning the drink after the first two drinks if that makes sense.
I ended up ordering a diet coke- I was thirsty.. Grabbed a coffee on the way home and ended up in a hot bath.
I have been watching TV and reading this site for hours.
Tomorrow is a new day. My goal is to stay sober tomorrow .
I know I get intense cravings and talk myself down. Not digging this not craving and talking myself into it ?:headbange

Great job Faith. My day was a little tough as well. Luckily I work for myself so I came home around noon and did some reading and came here for a bit. Hit the grocery store, came home and relaxed. I'm fortunate to be able to work on my schedule. I'd hate to be stuck in an office not being on point bc I was working on being sober. It's really a full time job here in the beginning and I'm starting to see it has to be the number one priority.

Major props to all of you doing this in the midst of family and work obligations.

Way to resist the evil AV, I'm super proud of you!!! :You_Rock_

Your post reads as a thriller novel to me. I know that feeling all too well and you know it would just be a happier ending if it didn’t start. I am so proud of you working through it! You can’t help where your addictive mind may take you but you showed a level mind over matter for sure! 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

As long as you don;t give in, you're doing well Faith - staying sober is all we have to do - doesn't always need to be graceful :)

D

Thank you guys for all the support.
Of course I thought of you guys as well when I was coming to my senses.
Yes if I picked up the drink the ending is never good.
Oh and the boyfriend that I am trying to win back won't see me BECAUSE of my boozing) " he won't know"....just insane thinking .
Its good to get it out and recognize it.
thank you again you guys are the best.

Well done on gettingnthrough that spot. In my experience I could keep that up for a reasonable time, then the fatal first drink would be taken. That was the trouble., I never saw that fatal first drink coming. 20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing. I could see exactly what happened. Getting irritable, not doing anything to treat my alcholism, increasingly uncomfortable etc, not talking to people. But I was totally unaware, though many folks around me couls see what was happening. I could not.

So having learned the lessons of the past I resolved firmly (again) not to let it happen (again) and never saw it coming (again). There was more to this reovery business than I could think my way through it seems. My mental defences were the least reliable.

Well done for facing the demons AV you should be proud of yourself

Hi Faith
You did yourself proud.
Great storytelling script I was in the place with you seeing it unfolding.
It reminded me of a little town I visited somewhere in the UK years ago. I wasnt drinking at the time but I can't remember where it was lol
Thank for your support with my struggle!
Keep up the inspiring work.
G

Way to work your recovery, faith! Your AV tried to bait you but you didn't bite!

I find "playing the tape to the end" very helpful. I envision where the first drink will take me, every terrible place it has always taken me, right up to the horrific hangovers.

I shut myself down immediately when I find my mind wandering off to the "what if's". For me it is a dangerous indulgence of thought.

Fantastic on your 16 days, now 17 and onward :grouphug:

Thank you all for the support and kudos. I really appreciate it.
It does help my resolve not to drink.
Today is day 17. I just can not drink today. - I can do this for one day.
I saw a man on facebook that I went to outpatient with
years ago. We had a lot in common sine we both "were" chronic relapsers.
His wife left him
kids wouldn't speak to him, lost job, was homeless living in shelter .
This man was very successful prior to hitting rock bottom.
Anyhow he is SOBER and living the life. Yoga, art, sailing, nature walks, new job, own apartment and engaged to be married
What I find most inspiring is he is happy , beaming and content with his surroundings and himself.

You are doing great Faith! Every time you face another temptation and don’t give in you will get stronger! Keep adding to your plan.