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Verbally Abusive Mother

Old 01-08-2018, 05:44 PM
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Verbally Abusive Mother

Hey All,
I recently completed my 8th step and am currently working on my 9th step. The top of the resentment and amends list is my mother. She is very difficult person to deal with and in an effort to talk to her recently about a misunderstanding hung up on me. Our relationship has been rocky since i was a kid where there was alot of verbal abuse. I'm now 43 and there have been years where we didn't talk. I personally said some nasty things to her while i was drinking. I am now 11 months sober as of tomorrow and have been looking forward to reconciling with her. That all fell apart today. Recently there was a misunderstanding and i called her today to explain but she immediately raised her voice and literally lost it on the phone. After calling me a drunk and claiming that i never called her on Christmas (which i did) she hung up on me.
I am very bummed because it appears that we're heading into another cooling off period and honestly i don't know if and when i'll ever speak to her again. Honestly i'm relieved because it is so exhausting to be in touch with her. She is mean spirited and just plain nasty. She never showed for my sisters wedding or my brothers funeral. This is all in my 4th step and have given that to God. I spoke with it to my sponsor and he suggested sending a card to them to make amends. I would've liked to do it in person but this is how it's going to have to be now. Anyway gang i know tomorrow is another day but i'm just kinda bummed. On the positive note i have a great job situation, will have 11 months tomorrow and a very loving girlfriend who is very supportive. Would love to hear thoughts on dealing with an abusive parent in recovery?
Thanks!
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Old 01-08-2018, 06:09 PM
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If it were me, I would go no contact since she's not interested in playing nice.
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Old 01-08-2018, 06:14 PM
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I don't want to second guess your sponsor but it sounds to me you've already made attempts to make amends.

What happens with the other person and how they take those amends is not up to you.

congrats on 11 months

D
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Old 01-08-2018, 06:17 PM
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I'm sorry that you are going through this. I truly hope you find some peace in this situation.

My mother was verbally abusive to me. In fact, there are still odd moments when I hear her words in my head. When I began recovery, in my late forties, I knew for sure that I my mother was not going to be part of my life. Fortunately, we didn't live in the same city, so that helped. I did allow very occasional, brief phone calls, but I never, ever said anything remotely personal to her. It was essential to my recovery and I never regretted it for a moment. In fact, it was a relief. When she was dying, I considered reconciling with her. I did visit her, but I did not reconcile. I knew for sure, she would never admit to any wrong-doing and would lay all the blame on me. And, there was no way on earth I was going to allow her to take away my hard-earned self-esteem ever again.
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Old 01-08-2018, 07:34 PM
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Comtnman,
Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing, but your mother doesn’t want to play nice. Bringing up things like calling on Christmas is typical emotional blackmail, she seems to strain under the weight of her own baggage (could it be we have the same mother, lol?)
It’s a Serenity Prayer situation, there’s nothing you can do at this point: Forgive her, forgive yourself, and move on. Congrats on 11 months!
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Old 01-09-2018, 01:50 AM
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Hey,bud. You tried. I'd still send her a generic card via the mail every 3-6mo and sign "Love,your name". Maybe write your number on the bottom. If she wants to reach out she will. Otherwise just keep living your life.
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Old 01-09-2018, 04:11 AM
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Families are always slow to come around and sometimes they never do. We have let them down on many past occasions and it can be kinda hard for them to catch on that we have actually changed.

I made amends with my dad by a letter, to which he replied. It was an amazing experience. In our letters we talked like we would never talk face to face, and we never mentioned the letters to each other. But our relationship was restored.

My mother was entirely different. A drinking alcoholic unable to live out in the world, she hates everybody, especially my late father and me. We are to blame for all her self pitying resentment and she never missed a chance to hurt us or our loved ones. I have had nothing to do with her for a long time now. I did my best to straighten out the past, and help her find a solution to her problems, all to no avail. She should hve died years ago and the only reason she hasn't, I believe, is that God doesn't want the aggravation.

Some things we can't fix. We make the effort and hold ourselves ready if a future opportunity opens up, and we leave all that in God's hands.
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Old 01-09-2018, 06:58 AM
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Hey guys,
Thanks so much for everyone's feedback! It's so refreshing to be able to come here and get feedback from people in "your" boat. I've slept on the situation and after the explosive abusive tirade yesterday i feel if it's best to go no contact. I'm not sure how long and I will be very hesitant if she reaches out in the future to reconnect. I think part of me is a little bummed because i guess i had thought she had changed and that things would be different but i'm seeing that isn't the case now. I suppose it's all about ACCEPTANCE. God Bless Everyone on this site. We all DESERVE a great sober life! 11 months today..wow i can't believe it!
Very Gratefully Yours,
Garrison
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Old 01-09-2018, 07:05 AM
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some things from the bb on the 9th step

Usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit.

There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could

We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone.
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Old 01-09-2018, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by comtnman740 View Post
. I think part of me is a little bummed because i guess i had thought she had changed and that things would be different but i'm seeing that isn't the case now. I suppose it's all about ACCEPTANCE.
when it comes to making amends, i think it is also about expectations. its not good to go into making amends with expectations on how they will be received or what the outcome of them will be.

now to give it to your HP and continue.
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Old 01-09-2018, 07:15 AM
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Thanks for the advice Tom! Expectations have always been a problem for me. Time to move on.
Garrison
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Old 01-09-2018, 07:41 AM
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comtnman, do you know the story in the BB,"doctor,alcoholic,addict?"
i think the title was changed in later editions to,"acceptance was the answer."
anyways, it has some great stuff in there- after the 'and acceptance was the answer" part.
good stuff on expectations and acceptance. tells how they can go hand in hand.
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Old 01-09-2018, 08:02 AM
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No advice from me comtnman740, but I did want to congratulate you on 11 months! That is awesome. I hope that you take some time to celebrate your achievements today. I'm not a stepper, but I respect the fact that you are and, from my perspective, it's pretty cool to see that you have made a great effort at making amends. While I understand you are bummed that your efforts weren't as fruitful as you wished, it is impressive to see how you have handled the whole situation. Nice job!
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